noon

My first piano recital!

2011-12-05T17:51:00.000-08:00

Well, er...it is not my** piano recital although it felt very much like it. It was KB's first piano recital. He goes to this school of music where their recitals are a very formal affair. Having never gone to any student recitals for western music before and being used to the Indian arangetrams etc where things are a little more informal, I was sort of taken aback by the quietness and order in the music auditorium where it was held.

I should go back to the days leading up to the recital day. KB has been learning the piano for a year and three months now. He could have gone to a recital in June 2011 itself. But his teacher is a very dedicated and perceptive one. She told me that knowing KB's nature it is better he waits for a few more months before his first recital. She told me that he would take it hard on himself if he gets up on stage and gets nervous. She wanted to give him the time to mature a little and to feel more confident about his skills. I was a little disappointed because she always gave me the feedback that he was playing very well in class and that she never has to stick to the same song in the class and is able to proceed to the next song. Based on that I felt like, why can't he then take part in the recital? But I also know KB and I was grateful that his teacher was being sensible about it and not rushing him into a recital. I got over the mild disappointment I had and was glad actually that he was not going for the June recital. But before I knew it was October and I started getting mails about the recital from his piano school. The teacher made him practice two songs and finally decided that he would play one of those.

From November onwards, we focused more on this two minute piece when he practiced at home. Funny how a two minute piece takes so much practice to play well on stage. It was not a trivial piece in terms of finger movements for a six year old - so I was nervous that he shouldn't bungle up on stage. He used to get it right without any mistakes when he played in the best of moods. When he was not tired and when he was not thinking about the recital itself. But if he thought about it or if we bugged him to practice when he didn't want to, he would make mistakes. And he used to just break down alone in his room crying when he made a mistake and would always start over. Not just correct his mistake and move on. What do you do when some things like that are so ingrained in their nature? We can only be encouraging and try to let them sort out their own emotions. If KG were in his place, I would imagine she would just shrug and play that part again or just move on and finish the piece. My big concern with KB was that he might not continue if he made a mistake but would start over and that would look worse than moving on. His teacher too told him in a jovial way that "sometimes you have to fake it on stage. If you make a mistake, you don't start the song all over, you just keep going". He practiced his little speech that he had to give before the recital - as to which piece he picked, why he picked it, what he likes about it etc. The night before the recital he woke up with night mares and was screaming the name of his recital piece and mumbling random things. I had to cool him down with cold water because his head was so hot.

Murphy's law, of course has to come into the picture. Just the day before the recital, we had gusty winds and KB started coughing mildly. The morning of the recital he woke up with a fever. All that practice and he may not even be able to go to the recital?! I just kept my fingers crossed. Luckily he got a lot better by noon with a lot of TLC - steaming, ginger/honey extract, total rest, warm water etc. KB reluctantly agreed to wear pants (instead of shorts) and a vest and a tie and got ready for the recital. When we reached there, there were so few cars that I thought that this would be no big deal. Some five or six people and it wouldn't be scary for him. But when it came time for the recital, the whole place was filled up and the auditorium was full. The grand piano was so large that KB looked like a little ant in front of it. Since he was the youngest in the group, they called him first. He got up on stage very confidently and gave his speech and played his piece. When I saw the video later, I didn't feel like it was 100% like his school director said it was. He made one slight mistake on one note and the tempo was not perfect. But it didn't show so he got away with it. As he played, I could literally feel my heart beating. Thank heavens he played well and was done with it. Phew - first recital done! From next time on, I hope/expect it will be less intimidating. One of the parents came to me and said that he was floored by the way he gave his speech confidently and played with gusto. Another mom came to me and said the same thing. The director of the school (who did a pre-test before the recital as well) came to me and also gave high praise for KB's performance. I was totally taken by surprise because I honestly didn't think about all that. He did a good job but somehow I didn't feel so floored by his confidence etc. I know as his mother how much he had internalized his anxiety about this recital. So I could not feel anything but a sense of relief when it was done. Recitals are no big deal for some people, but for me because of KB's intense nature (where he wakes up petrified with night mares), this first experience was a big deal. I was just grateful it went without any tears for him. Everything else was a bonus.

B and I later talked about this whole thing. We as parents did put in some effort into this two or three minute recital. Not tiger mom levels. But it wasn't nothing either. The way I saw it was - it is important enough to give it your best. But it is not as important if things did not go well to cry about it. It is a small thing in the big picture of life but it is these little moments that shape up a person little by little. So in that sense I had to make sure we gave him the nurturing without it being damaging. But beyond that if he had not done well, I was sure neither of us would have said anything but kind words to him. I feel like this experience was a big one for me too because it made me evaluate what is important to me for him, as his mother. I feel like I got some clarity in terms of my emotions. I was in a way relieved when one of the dads told me that when his daughter was playing on stage his hands went cold from nervousness. Good, am not the only one! How about you?!

Is preschool necessary?

2011-11-21T04:31:00.000-08:00

My second child KG who is now 4 yrs and 5m old is going to preschool three half days a week. My son KB who is now 6 yrs and 3m old went to a preschool program offered by the city (two hours a day, four days a week) for age three and to a proper preschool for three half days a week when he was age four. He is now in first grade. I think back to what my perspective to preschool is after seeing him go through kindergarten and now first grade and having seen four different kind of preschools between the two children.

I find that at the end of the day, no matter what the reputation of the school is, it finally boils down to the teacher. Where I live, it is pretty hard to find spots in good preschools. And really am still not clear on how to find that perfect preschool. I sometimes wish I could just get early education credits and start a preschool that fits my requirements! Because I still have not come across a preschool that has all that I want. Either the school emphasizes academic learning too much or they do only play and have no emphasis on academic learning.

Parents who are both working have to send their children to day care anyway so it makes sense for them to spend a premium in terms of money and time in finding a really good preschool. If the child is going to be at school during most of his/her waking hours, then it is worth spending a lot of money on preschool. But after my experience with preschools I feel that if one parent is not working and does spend a good amount of quality time with the child, then preschool is necessary only so much. It helps to get used to being away from the parent, to get used to making friends without the parent guiding the process, to get used to authority (although I have a whole lot of thoughts about that part). From my perspective I find three half days a week more than enough. I did not choose that, it so happened that the tiny preschool that KB went to only had three half days open and the school KG now goes to had only one spot available when I applied and that was for three half days.

KG went to a play/developmental preschool at age three. Her teacher was a loving, charming and lively teacher. I was really happy with that school for age three. KG's teacher loved children. She would hug them, talk to them and would rarely yell at the kids. Their school had a great play yard and plenty of good play equipment. They read books to them but any ABC's she learned came from her learning at home. No writing ever. I felt there was always some chaos in the room because the children were playing a lot and I somehow felt at age four KG needed a little more focused play or quiet time. It so happened KB changed schools so I decided to change schools for KG also. I love Montessori materials and I like the activities that make children focus and do work quietly. But the problem with Montessori schools in our area is that they are way way too expensive esp considering that I am home with the kids and they don't "need" to spend time at school or day care. Nevertheless, I found a school that was somewhat affordable for four full days (9 to 3). Let's call this school M (for Montessori).

I had an uneasy feeling even when I toured school M because when I went to the pre-K classroom, the teacher did not look up or make eye contact with me or KG. She may have been busy with the kids but I still cannot understand why they cannot acknowledge us when they walk from one desk to another by just giving a half nod at least. When I initiated with a smile, she smiled back a little. Anyway, the director of the school was very good and the distance/cost/timing etc worked well and they were serious about "teaching" the kids a lot. In a way I was impressed by all that but I kind of brushed aside the discomfort I had with the how the class environment did not seem warm, esp the interaction between the teacher and students. When I took KG on the first day of school, we walked in at 9.00 a.m. (some of the kids walk in a line at 8.45 a.m. it seems). I was stunned that no one welcomed her or even looked at us. Two lead teachers and one assistant teacher. Every one was busy. One crying child fully occupied one teacher. I found it very strange. First day of school and no one to say hello to a child who is new to the class. Anyway I settled KG in and got her going on some activity and I left. She was OK when I picked her up. But at night the ranting started. KG who normally goes to sleep in a wink if she is tired would come from her bed to the living room five times or so worrying about school and constantly saying " I don't know what I am supposed to do!", "Ms.M gave Brandon a time out", "My lunch mat did not have any crumbs, why do I have to put a wet sponge on it?" etc etc. After about two weeks of this ranting, I finally went and spoke to the director. He was very understanding and he told the lead teacher Mrs.D to keep an eye on KG and "teach" her some of the Montessori activities since she was not familiar with some of them. Mrs.D was nice and did help KG through the adjustment for a bit. But the ranting still continued. And every day I found that the atmosphere was the same. Stern looks from the teachers towards the children. May be this is how a Montessori works, am not sure. But I have seen one other Montessori which is quite far from my house. There the teachers were very warm and nurturing towards the kids even if the activities were all the same as school M and the kids were still focused. It basically did not gel well with me because KG was sounding worried and hassled every night even though she did not cry when I dropped her. Towards the end of September, I started thinking about pulling her out. One morning KG said to me, "Mrs.M held my hand so tight, it hurt me. Why did she do that?". I asked her why she held her hand and what time of the day it happened. KG said, "She said that I had to say "Good Afternoon" to the kids. Why should I say it to the kids? They are not my teachers!". I don't know what really happened then, but what ever it was, this was the last straw. I did not want this kind of hand holding and being forced to say good afternoon etc in preschool. I had seen that teacher harshly plop a crying boy in the time out chair. I could believe she was capable of being a little rough with the children. I emailed the director that day and told him I would be pulling KG out of that school and that it was not working out. I found another play school near by with just 12 kids per class and the teacher was very warm and cheerful when we went to tour the place. She looked at KG and talked to her. That was important to me. I could only get a spot for three half days but I took it anyway.

I actually feel happy that I get to spend more time with KG. It does give me very little time to do anything for myself. But I still enjoy my time with KG. I am able to sit and read to her when KB is at school. I am able to take her to the library, to the farm market and so on. She reads simple bob books, does simple mental additions, does simple mazes or we play with her million hot wheel cars. I feel glad things turned out this way. KB went to pre-K only three half days a week. At that time, some of the Montessori kids were probably a tiny bit ahead of him in reading. They could read say level 1 books very comfortably but he had to read those slowly (when he was 4.5 yrs old). He then joined a Montessori for Kindergarten where only about 4 kids were from non Montessori preschools. KB had no problems keeping up with them and did very well in Kindergarten. He is now in first grade and has been placed in the advanced readers group after the assessment. In effect I feel that preschool is not an absolute must. It is good to send kids to preschool because it is fun to be around kids and play with age appropriate play equipment. But if the parent can spend a lot of time at home with the child and also take the child to city classes like "clay play" etc, that should be more than enough to cover all the bases. I personally feel/felt that for preschool age, it is most important to be with a loving and nurturing teacher. Without that I felt as if I was sending the child to some kind of juvenile prison where they have to obey rules or else! Children are so precious and innocent and they can be so easily manipulated or made to feel scared by people of authority. It is important they learn how to behave well but it is equally important as to how they are taught those rules. I may yell at my children at home but they know that they can voice their opinion back to me in equal measure. But with a teacher, they don't have that freedom. So the responsibility lies on the teacher to know where to draw the line when it comes to disciplining the children or in knowing how to do it. I am getting away changing schools because KG is only in preschool. My friend's child is in fourth grade and her teacher is rude and screams at the kids in the class. But at that age it is very hard to change schools. I am not looking forward to dealing with those situations. For now, I am happy with the way things turned out with KG's preschool. She is happy and hence I am happy !

Best compliment if it were true!

2011-11-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

This post is going to be again a bit of this and bit of that kind of post. Either this or I will wait for ever to write a post that flows consistently in terms of topic and it may never happen.

So the other day KB was playing with his Scooby Doo ball and suddenly turned to me (of course thoughts are always going on in his head I think) and said, "Mamma, you have the most knowledge in this house. I think you have Goddess Saraswathi in you!" I have told them and they have heard it in their Bal Vihar lessons that Saraswati is the goddess of learning. I was so taken aback by the unexpected remark from KB. Sadly, I could only feel sort of sad about it because it is only a matter of time before he knows a lot more than me and as of now it is B who knows the most amongst the four of us in the family. B sometimes seems to me like some kind of walking encyclopedia of information. But KB thinks I know the most in the family because I spend more time with them and I read to them more and explain things to him more often. As it is for all his physics questions I send him off to his dad. I am now reading "Steve Jobs" biography and one of the things (of the many) that struck me was when he said, "I discovered that I was smarter than my parents". God, I hate the day when KB is going to think that of me. But B said to me, all boys think that way at some point growing up. May be that teen arrogance, I don't know. Well, as of now, I should enjoy KB thinking so highly of me! :)

On the topic of Steve Jobs biography. B was surprised I pre-ordered the book and am reading it now. I didn't buy it because I wanted to read about some Mahatma. Every one knows of Job's shortcomings as a person. How nasty he was to so many people. But the book makes for a very interesting read. I find the man very intriguing. And his life story has so many twists and turns that it is so unbelievable. I love biographies in general. Especially of people who come from ordinary backgrounds and do so well in life. I have reserved this book in the library and I hope to read about this amazing person as soon as I finish Jobs's biography. It is mind blowing sometimes what is possible when there is a will and if the person is lucky enough to come across the right situations, a few encouraging people and so on. At the same time, God knows how many people don't end up succeeding purely because of bad luck and not being in the right place.

I have to go now to take KB to his basketball class. But before that a quick lament about my trip to the mall this morning. I hate going to malls let alone first thing in the morning. But I want to buy a 100% cotton sweater that is nicely tailored and preferably with buttons or with a zipper. Unbelievable. I went to Macy's, JCP, Sears, Old Navy and looked at some online sites. Within a budget of 50 dollars (I upped it from my usual max 20 to 50 only because I am just not able to find one), I am not able to find a single sweater that I like! The choices for 100% cotton sweaters is so limited this year. I am so annoyed that finding a good cotton sweater that too in the holiday season when every store is amply stocked is this hard for me. Even finding a good sweater needs luck!!

On that note, ciao! And Ranjani - will post on the school change news in the next post!

This n that...since last post

2011-11-04T00:26:00.000-07:00

It is becoming harder and harder mentally to sit down for actually typing out the thoughts for a post. Have to check if the siri can do something about this. Just dictate my thoughts and ask it to post!

Let me start with short updates. For any one interested that is - including me - reading this probably a few years later may be. I decided at the last minute to keep "golu" for Navaratri this time around. I always hesitated because the thought of a whole bunch of people and kids coming to my house all at the same time was overwhelming for me. Even now I don't know how I got through that day. I can handle two or three families at the same time. Not more. Unless I host a party outside at the park or at a venue. Cooking for every one and keeping the house clean and getting all the "vethlaipakku" (goody bags) ready, all while managing the kids and house alone seemed so overwhelming, especially after I decided to send out an evite to people. I thought to myself, "What did I just do? This means I have to go ahead with it! The invite has been sent out to a whole bunch of people!". Well, somehow I did it and it went well. Running to Lowes two days before the Golu and measuring out planks and drawing a picture of what I wanted, setting up the planks and arranging all the bommais (what ever few I had) and getting the kids involved in the process. It was hectic but it was a lot of fun.

The only part I still don't feel good about is the immense waste when it comes to giving little goody bags to the moms and the kids. I just feel like it is such a big waste. Even when I go to all my friend's houses for their golu, I just collect a whole bunch of those bags in the car. When I get home I just unpack all of them and half the items are little curio items which I don't know what to do with. Some items like little containers etc are fine, I can use them, but I seriously don't need them. I am trying to figure out a better alternative for next year. It may not be the best alternative but something I that doesn't make me feel bad. There were little memorable moments - which would have been fun to write about had I written this post earlier. For example, KG looked at the "wedding set" of dolls and asked me about it and commented earnestly, "Mamma, why does this guy look like an alien?". These were miniature hand made dolls that were delightfully crafted and dressed up in colorful tiny pieces of fabric. I really enjoyed going to people's houses with KG. She learned a bunch of bhajans from me and I realized that she is totally into singing and seems to have a talent for it. I hope she gets a good teacher and learns it well.

Next post - on KG's school change (she changed schools from last year, went to the new school for one month in Sep and again changed to another school from October).

Inspiring..

2011-10-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have written so many little posts in my head since the last time I posted here. But I have not managed to type it up and actually post it in this space. I will hopefully get back to writing again soon. In the meanwhile, here is a video/interview I saw recently which I was so moved by. It is always inspiring when you come across people who win against all odds because of sheer will and hard work. To think that this person was working in a farm, toiling in the sun and didn't know a word of English and is now being interviewed by so many people and has treated so many patients in one of the most prestigious hospitals in the world...sometimes I feel I see that higher power that we call God in these forms. There is some higher power at work and it protects, lifts and carries the person through to a destination above the ordinary considering the odds. I hope you are able to spare the one hour to watch this video. It is something our kids (when they are say in 5th grade or so) should watch to get inspired.

http://www.q-and-a.org/Program/?ProgramID=1361

Enjoy!

When you thought I wasn't looking...

2011-09-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

I read this in a billboard some place and I enjoyed it. It's so true how children pick up so much from the things that we don't even realize they are observing, imbibing and learning as they see it happen.

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Author: Unknown

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed that there was a God to talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it's alright to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking,
I looked....
and I wanted to say thanks for all the things
I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

9/11 conversation between six year olds

2011-09-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

We went to the local park last evening where KB's friend also joined us. There was a small gathering of people for a 9/11 memorial speech. Police officers were standing around in the periphery. I had talked to KB about 9/11 that morning. I happened to over hear the conversation between KB and his friend.

KB: You know S, ten years back, some bad guys came in a plane and knocked down two towers by ramming the plane into the towers. Lots of people died because of that.

S: Oh!

KB: Yeah, and now they have made a big water fall in that spot to remember all the people that died. And they have built another humongous tower next to it. It is 1776 feet tall.

S: Is this real life stuff?

It was such an innocent and simple line from his friend. But it is so true. The insanity of such terrorist acts makes you really think, "Could this be happening in real life?". It has to be the stuff of violent comic books. Not real life. I hope some day in the future that becomes a reality - that such things do not happen in real life.

New schools for KB and KG

2011-09-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

The new academic year has begun! Summer holidays are over! Sigh! I did have a good time with the kids at home and not having to rush to school in the mornings but I think now we are all ready for school in a way. I have renewed admiration for homeschooling parents now! How do they manage to instill discipline in their children and make sure they go through the curriculum and more while the kids are home all the time with them!

KB is starting first grade in a different school. He did not get into first grade at the school he was in because they changed it to a lottery system in the middle of the year and he did not get it in the lottery. Just couple of days back they called and told me that he did get a spot from being on the wait list in the lottery line but at that point I was not interested because KB was mentally prepared to join the new school. His best friend is going to be in the same class, so he is very excited about it. School starts tomorrow! At least I have one friend (mom) who will come to the same school. I know there are a couple of ultra competitive Indian moms in this class who ask a lot of questions and even ask exactly what grades your child got (in KG that too) in the report card. I have to find ways to avoid those types because they really do irritate me and somewhat stress me out. I lucked out for KB's Kindergarten because at least no one was explicitly so competitive with their kids/comparing etc. I feel like I am the one going to school with every passing year!

KB was sick with his usual Bronchitis type coughing on Monday night. I was so worried that we would end up in ER but thankfully we got through the night. I made a donation to one of the organizations in India as a mark of my thanks for us getting through the night without having to rush to ER. Every time KB starts coughing that deep cough, I just dread it. The poor kid goes into these spasms of coughing until he throws up a lot of mucus and only then can he sleep for a few hours. And in the process his stomach muscles hurt. I gave him ginger with honey twice that morning and he kept drinking a lot of water. God knows what helped or didn't help, at least thankfully the next morning he woke up feeling much better. I was so relieved when he ate his breakfast without having to throw up because the previous night he could not eat a bite of his dinner. I have ordered an Oximeter to keep track of his Oxygen levels during such episodes to know if it is serious enough to go to ER or not.

I changed schools for KG also because for the same money I was able to get her to go four full days and that way I could pick up KB and then go and pick KG back to back. In the old school she could only go half a day for the same money. KG has joined a Montessori school this time around. I don't know if this is a good Montessori or not - I just don't know how to judge if I can't volunteer in the class or observe from outside. I am just going by the recommendation of two of my friends who seemed to have liked it. I feel bad for KG because she is really missing her friends (not close but at least she considered them friends). She had lost a puzzle piece the second day of school and she started crying the moment she saw me because she was afraid the teachers might be mad at her. The next day again she cried because one of the girls told her that she would not show her stamp to her. Today she says two kids said they did not want to sit next to her - but she did not cry about it. Also, she is very stressed out about having to clean her lunch mat with a sponge. I don't know why that is so stressful for her. She knows how to do it but somehow she keeps talking about it. I am praying she adjusts well and makes one or two friends because right now she seems to not be having fun. But at least she does not cry and also she seems to enjoy doing puzzles and some of the pouring activities there. Keeping fingers crossed.

Well, more updates on the new schools once they settle in! How has your new school year been so far? For the ones who have already started school. Eager to know!

La di da

2011-08-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

KG, my four old daughter, is just the opposite on KB in so many ways. In all the ways that he is serious, she is totally carefree. We call him "Thatha" and call her "Kuttima" or "Titapapa (sister papa)". It is a joy for us to see her be so carefree and just enjoy the present moment.

KB has a sweet tooth more than any of us in the family. She loves ice cream and loves chocolate chip cookies. I never had to deal with rationing it for KB because he will not eat those even if I offered it to him. But my dear KG, she can spot a tiny little picture of an ice cream cone in some corner of the zoo or aquarium when we go and immediately turn to me with bright eyes and say, "Mamma, what is that picture? Are you going to get me ice-cream?". One day at home, I gave her a Haggen-daaz choco-bar even without her asking for it just to surprise her. The next day around the same time, she asked me for one.

Me: KG, you can't have ice-cream everyday.
KG: Why not Mamma?
Me: It's not healthy to eat ice-cream everyday. You will become fat and then you won't be able to move around fast and you won't be able to swim well (since she had just started her swim lessons, I just randomly said that).
KG: That's OK. My teacher can just push me in the water!
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Another conversation pointing to her la di da nature. It's bedtime and I am lying next to her and just listening to the music.

KG: Mamma, I wish I could sleep all the time. I like to sleep. It's fun!

Yes, of course, my dear! It is fun to just listen to music and go to sleep!
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After eating three chocolate chip cookies she stormed into the kitchen in the middle of her playing and said to me:

"Mamma, you know I am going to stop eating chocolates"

Me: Really? Why?

KG: Because it is bad for me. Bacteria will make holes in my teeth. No more chocolate chip cookies OK. One last one and then no more!
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Me: KG, please remember to close the back yard door after you finish playing. I lock it and then you open it when we are leaving and I don't even know you have opened it. What if a robber comes and steals your toys?

KG: Then I will just look at him like this (makes an angry face) and shout at him and say "Don't steal my toys!! OKKK!!!"
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Questions for the day...

2011-08-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

A couple of days back I had struck a bargain with KB that if he let me skip the evening park visit, they can do water play in the back yard even though the sun had gone down and it was getting cooler. I was just not in a mood to go to the park after taking KG for swimming early in the morning, KB for his swim lesson late morning, KB for his basket ball class and stopping at the library. They got to do some water play in the yard and later played with bubbles using different bubble sticks I had bought from Micheals.

This morning suddenly KB asked his dad, "Daddy, how come what ever shape I blow the bubbles through, it always comes out as a sphere?". His dad then explained to him the principle of least energy etc in simple terms and KB kept asking "How come it doesn't ever come out as a triangle or a square?" etc until he could kind of grasp the idea of why it would form a sphere.

He later was playing ball in the park and again the issue of gravity started to gnaw at his brain cells I think. He asked B, "Daddy, why does the ball get pulled down by gravity but still it bounces up instead of getting stuck down?".

Newton Sir, please, could you just come in KB's dreams and clarify all matters of gravity?!

P.S - leave you with this article on parenting! Read this and wondered which camp I belong to!

Swim tales update...

2011-08-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Few weeks back I had written about KB's swim tales (woes). From that time, I took KB to swim lessons every week day and some Saturdays. No class on Sundays. It was a lot of fun for both kids because they just loved being in the water. I needed to make the most of the summer time since this teacher gives private lessons only in outdoor pools.

I am happy that going to class consistently has paid off. KB is now able to swim the full length of the pool with free style strokes and rolling over or turning to his side between strokes. He is learning back stroke now. Am hoping before school reopens he will be able to do both free style and back stroke with ease. Phew!

Baingan not bartha

2011-08-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I make this quick fix baingan dish sometimes when I feel like having eggplant subzi. It is not really super quick because you still have to cut all the vegetables but it is faster than roasting baingan and peeling the skin etc. Somehow I find this dish easier to make than the traditional baingan bartha. No grinding, no powders.

This is how I make it.

I cut eggplant with the skin into small cubes. It doesn't have to be super tiny - just reasonably small cubes. I use any kind of eggplant I have at hand. Even the long Japanese ones are fine. To this I add 3 or 4 tomatoes (medium size pieces). Lots of ginger. 2 or 3 bell papers chopped into small cubes. Once I add these, I mix it up with salt and turmeric. I pressure cook this with very little water. Just enough to cook it all.

While it is cooking, I heat oil in a kadai and add a tiny bit of jeera and saute onions and keep it ready. Then I add the pressure cooked vegetables and mix it with the onions and let it cook in the oil. Once it is done, I add a lot of finely copped coriander and keep it covered in the steam for a while. It tastes really good and it gets done pretty fast.

This dish is easy on days when I know we will be going to the park in the evening and I will not have much time to cook when I get back. I just pressure cook the stuff and keep it ready. When I get back I just have to saute onions and then I add this and fresh subzi is ready in minutes. If I chop the eggplant into small pieces, it gets cooked well and it tastes kind of like baingan bartha to me even if it is not the authentic one! If any of you try this recipe, do let me know how it turned out!

Added later: Oops - sorry - I forgot to add one more (key in my opinion) ingredient I add - green chillies. I add 4 or 5 green chillies finely chopped to make it spicy. I assume you would have spiced it up your own way though I did not mention it.

KB turns six

2011-08-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

A quick note before I start this post - if you read me, please could you delurk and say hi in the comments?!

KB - kutti boy - is what I call him in this blog centered mostly around KB and KG. But I feel as if I should be changing the name to older brother and younger sister for the two of them. KB is six! I cannot believe it. I still remember all the moments I had as a first time mother trying to deal with my post delivery issues, nursing issues, getting KB to sleep through the night etc. And all of a sudden now I am able to have conversations with him about so many different things - Calvin & Hobbes, human race evolution, symbiotic relationships and what not. How did time go by so fast?!

KB has given me so much in terms of new experiences as a mother. But the thing that tops it all is this - knowing what it is to love a human being completely, whole heartedly, to wish only the very best without a doubt and feel only joy for that person's every little success. I feel like that feeling is so powerful within me and I don't think I have ever had it that way for any one else before KB and KG came along. Even with a spouse, it is peppered with ego issues that crop up and muddle it. Even with my parents it is sometimes not as clear because of feelings of what they could have done differently. It is only when KB came along that I realized what an exhilarating and liberating feeling it can be to feel sure of the love you feel for someone. I don't know how this might feel later when they grow up and may be then it won't feel so unconditional, I am not sure. But for now I just feel like motherhood is worth it just to experience that kind of pure love.

KB has always been a sort of deep thinker. One can almost see thoughts floating through his head as he sits in his spot or just lies down in one corner of the couch quietly for even 10 or 15 minutes sometimes. Like a cat, sometimes he likes to lie down in the corner of the couch where the sun is shining brightly and think about some random thing or the other. He was always a talker and continues to be that way. He gives lengthy explanations for any question I ask him. Since he is our first child, we had no gauge for how much they talk or not at any particular age. He used to recite big twenty page books verbatim back to me at age two and half and we thought that was normal. It is only when KG came along and I saw how she cannot even recite one page back to me at age four that I realized that he was verbally ahead of his age. He tested as advanced when he did the language testing for non native English speakers before he started Kindergarten.

I think back to the time he started preschool and the struggles he and I went through in getting him to be away from me at preschool. After a month of struggling with his loud crying, the director finally told me that they could not handle it and that I had to train him at home and bring him back. I finally changed him to a city preschool program and then to another small school for pre-K. I was so nervous as to how he would cope with the eating part of it when he started Kindergarten. But he managed the longer hours and the stricter school environment fine. He laughs and plays silly at home all the time with his little sister but I heard from his teacher that he is pretty serious at school. I can't figure out why or if it is just the way he is when she is around. Because he laughs a lot with some of his friends at school when he meets them outside of school. I could see that he had devised his own ways of dealing with the aggressive kids. He either gave them a chance and played along by their rules for a couple of times or just walked away from the game and found others to play with for that period. By the end of the year, he learned to tell the bossy kid, "Hey, you are not my boss. I can do it the way I want to do it". I felt proud of him for that but sometimes my heart aches that he is naturally so gentle and good-natured that he has to learn to be aggressive...and when I see glimpses of that learned behavior, I feel bad he can just be the way he is naturally.

KB was/is the picky eater amongst the two kids. But he eats his meals completely on his own and has been doing so for over a year now. I never thought that day would come and now it seems so the norm. I can't believe it is the same kid I used to spend one hour per meal feeding with a spoon and reading books to distract him and what not. I still have to read books to him when he eats, not something pediatricians approve of, but I just do it.

I faced some amount of peer pressure when he was four to a)put him in a Montessori school where he would have gotten more academic learning b) to put him in Kumon classes for reading and math. I am happy that I went with my instincts and put him in a school where he felt comfortable and secure even though it was not a Montessori school. I am also glad I did not waste my money and time on Kumon lessons for him because the way he learns, he would have gone through the motions of it out of a sense of wanting to please me may be, but he would have been mindlessly bored. As much as he can, he prefers to do all his math problems mentally now and I don't know how he would have coped with pages and pages of drilling. I used to wonder if he would like Math or not because he was so into books and telling us stories and he used to talk so much about how he would be a director and who he would cast as a particular character when he makes his movie etc. We always joked that he was going to go into the movies (which I don't want really). In the last few months though he has shown a natural inclination for Math and seems to enjoy it as well. He is doing all kinds of arithmetic problems and word problems in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division, and he does fractions, negative numbers, simple equations, measurement, time and money problems. He is now mostly doing second and third grade and some fourth grade work sheets I print out from the internet. I am sometimes conflicted if I should even give him those kind of worksheets to do at home because when he starts first grade he won't have the fun of challenging problems. And I notice that despite finding simple arithmetic problems very easy at this point, he still makes mistakes on those because he wants to do it all mentally and problems like 10 + 12, he reads quickly as 10 - 12 and writes the answer as -2. He enjoys it most when I read to him but he reads simple books as well as chapter books and great illustrated classics kind of books. I have to wait and see how it goes in first grade. I just hope he does not get too bored because the curriculum here is not very challenging unless the teacher herself notices that a child needs more challenge and puts in some effort in that direction. The times I spend teaching him Math or reading about science to him are so fulfilling because he takes it all in like a sponge. All kids at this age are that way, not to single him out. But as a parent, it is rewarding to see the connections being made and the understanding showing in his face. I have taught courses as a teaching assistant when I was in graduate school but I never felt the kind of joy I feel now teaching KB all kinds of things and learning along with him. Sometimes I feel tempted to become a kindergarten teacher because it is the beginning of their academic career and it is joyful to see them blossom. But I know I don't have the patience for a whole group of kids day after day.

KB seems to prefer non-fiction books to fiction, that's what his teacher also told me. But once he gets started on story books he gets totally into it. Although when it comes to us reading to him, he loves it when we read him stories. He does watch TV every day in the summer during lunch time but he is good about not watching TV later. He is not too much into computer games. His favorite TV shows currently are Magic school bus, Word girl and Wild Kratts. He just loves nature and learning about nature. He started going to basket ball class this summer and is totally into the game. True to his nature he has delved deep into it and plays it often in the backyard. He has been reading all sorts of NBA books about the greatest basketball players and remembers all kinds of stats about players. This year he has moved on from his Diego/Rhinoceres Beetle back pack to a Koby Bryant backpack for school!

KB has made me feel the joy of learning all over again. With him to give me company, I am beginning to appreciate nature in a whole new way. To appreciate the bugs and the lizards as much as the majestic tigers and lions. When I go to the zoo now and see an Echidna or when I happen to see the photo of a Draco lizard, I look at it with so much excitement because I can talk to KB about why the Echidna is a mammal misfit (lays eggs) or what is amazing about the Draco lizard (movable ribs it uses to spread out like wings and glide from tree to tree) . And he talks to me about it with such joy. I feel so thankful for having another opportunity to learn things along with him. When he asks me things like, "Mamma, how does an eraser really wipe off pencil marks?", it makes me pause and think about simple things in front of me. I gave him an answer then but not as precisely as I did after I looked it up later. (BTW - this is the answer from the internet - Erasers pick up graphite particles, thus removing them from the surface of the paper. Basically, the molecules in erasers are 'stickier' than the paper, so when the eraser is rubbed onto the pencil mark, the graphite sticks to the eraser preferentially over the paper.).

KB still struggles with his nightmares but it has become a lot better. He had regressed a lot in his swimming but in the last two and half weeks he has progressed a lot. His swim teacher says he will be ready for participating in swim meets next summer. I think I will be in tears if he did that because he would gotten there from overcoming his anxiety this year (He had no fear of water really and did well last year. Somehow the teacher did not work out for him this year and he became more scared of going to the deep end) and working really hard and learning it. It is not something that comes to him as naturally as it seems to for KG. She has no fear when it comes to swimming and that makes it so much easier for her.

I have written about the things he does and about his personality etc for his sixth birthday post because I am sure I will find it very interesting to read this post next year. I always keep praying for his good health. Sometimes when he cries for ten minutes or so in a half asleep state when he has nightmares, I get the shivers and I feel as if it is only divine grace that made me escape his having any issues that some super intense kids have. I just hope and pray at least this year we escape any ER visits for him (and for KG) from his coughing this year.

KB is moving to a different school for first grade. I hope he settles down easily in the new environment. I am sure it will be very interesting to see him grow and learn and understand the world around him more deeply.
Wish you the very best, my sweet little KB!

Swim tales..

2011-07-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to finish my previous post. About the swimming struggles we are going through. I guess it is not fair on my part to call it "struggles" for KB's swimming but to me it feels that way. I took him for swim lessons when he turned four. He was scared but did OK. But that year was more of an introduction to being in water. The next summer (last year), I took him for two sessions or more I can't remember. He got to a level 3 and could swim and back float across the width of the pool. But around mid-July he fell sick with bronchitis and that kind of unbearable coughing really scared me. I stopped going to the pool for a while but by then it was colder - even though it is an indoor pool where they charge an arm and a leg for swim lessons, it gets cold once he is out of the water - and I just stopped going until this July. But the sad part is his favorite teacher had left by then. This new teacher is supposed to be one of the best but the chemistry just did not work out between her and KB. She took him to the deep end of the pool before he felt ready for it mentally. He coped OK but it left him feeling stiff and nervous. My thought is this - she may be a great teacher but I don't want him to feel terrified getting into the water when he didn't start out that way. There are situations where there is no copping out - like say the first day of school etc - but this, he can learn swimming from a teacher who will smile a little and pat him on the back when he feels terrified. He is not training to be in a competition, he is just here to learn swimming! So anyway, I decided to move him to a private teacher for private lessons rather than semi-private (2 kids) in a swim school. Only problem with this is that it is an outdoor pool and he can only learn with this teacher until the end of summer when it is warm enough. Last week I took him to class every day. He seems to be very comfortable with the new teacher and is making good progress now. First couple of classes, I felt like I would be in tears. All that effort to be at the beginning stage again! I cursed myself for stopping his swim lessons for a whole year. I am hoping that by the end of summer he will be able to swim the length of the pool. We are going on a holiday for a week, so it leaves me with three weeks to somehow get him there. I am going to try to take him every day so he can make as much progress as possible! Let's see! He is also working very hard towards it and wants to go to swimming class every day.

On another note, we went to a circus today. We had fabulous booth seats from B's work and the kids really enjoyed the show. But I am not much of a circus fan. Acrobats are fun to watch but I hate it when the animals perform. I just don't see the fun in seeing ten tigers sitting on stools in a circle and responding to their name being called and finally all of them lifting their paws and sitting like puppies. It is so unnatural and sad to see them be that way. And the poor elephants balancing their weight on tiny little stools. I don't find any of the animal performances in these shows entertaining. At least I was glad to see them all look very healthy and not scrawny and malnourished.

Next post - on KB turning six this week. Hope to write that post before he turns seven!

Hiking, tooth out, swimming etc

2011-07-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

Let me start on a positive note. We went for a weekend trip to the mountains about two hours away. Rented a cabin (a two bed place with a kitchen) and stayed there on Sat night and drove back on Sunday eve. The trip was absolutely wonderful - just being around nature all the time. We had lunch and went to the animal park before checking into the hotel. Saw black bears, bald eagles, bisons, mountain lions, mule deers, bob cats...all up close. The sad part was a lot of these animals were there only because they had no way to fend for themselves. It was an animal park where they were brought in for recovery and for enabling them to live on despite the issues they had. The bald eagle had a cataract, the mountain lions were all cubs that were left in the den when their mother had been shot dead by a hunter and were raised by the park people and so on. Thankfully it was not blazing hot and so we were able to walk around looking at all these animals. Kids loved being around these birds and animals and reading about them.

Later we went to the cabin and checked in. We turned on the TV for a short while when the kids drank their afternoon milk. They were watching Toy story 1 when suddenly KB exclaimed with nervous excitement "Mamma, my tooth fell out!". We were all so thrilled for him and shouted "Yayyy"! And he just could not contain his excitement, he kept looking at the gap and at the fallen tooth. B said he should bury it like we did as kids. But some of his friends have saved theirs, so he was more used to that idea. Plus he just wanted to examine it up close. So I wrapped it in a paper towel and kept it safely. After having tea, we went to the huge lake area and went for a walk and stood on the bobbing wooden platform on the lake. Kids loved standing there watching all the motor boat riders. Close to dinner time we got back to the cabin, made a quick pasta meal and ate it sitting outside surrounded by tall pine trees.

Next morning we got ready pretty early (for a holiday!) by 9.30 a.m. and checked out of the hotel. We went to the discovery center for a nature walk with a bunch of guided volunteers some of whom were in training. KB was totally into what they were explaining about the local trees and animals and asked them some good questions. KG was very annoyed with me for not giving her one more strawberry wafer (this after she had two chocolate chip cookies and three wafers that morning before we got to the nature walk) right away. I was very irritated at having to deal with that rather than listen to what they were saying. Oh god, some times you just wish someone would take care of your child for just five minutes. B was trying to get her to leave me alone and go to him but she wouldn't leave my side. Later we had lunch on a picnic table very close to the water on the lake. It was wonderful to be surrounded by huge mountains and very tall trees and be next to a huge body of water and have lunch there. I wish I could do that every day! Later we went to a hiking trail close by. My plan was to just step into the trail and hike up a couple of trail points and return. But KB wanted to go deeper. I was feeling nervous though I felt going all the way as well. They said there is a very low probability of mountain lions coming to the trail area but the probability wasn't zero. I never used to be scared of such things but with kids I feel very nervous. We went on anyway and ended up doing the round and completing all the sixteen trail points. It was awesome though - walking with our two kids and seeing them enjoy nature. KB was thrilled to see a tall pine tree filled with holes made by the woodpecker. Fallen logs filled with ants, squirrels nibbling on acorns, pine cones all over the place, humming birds, orioles, woodpeckers...it is just swell walking around with just bird songs to keep us company. I wish I hadn't been so scared of a mountain lion jumping on us. Didn't help that B and KB kept joking that there is a cheetah behind me or a rattle snake crawling close by. After our hike, we went to a nice big coffee shop and kids had their milk and we had coffee and started on our drive home.

I was going to write about our swimming tales but it is kind of late and I need to get KB ready for his swim class. So I shall do that in the next post.

Guilt Tag from Ro

2011-07-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

Ro, one my favorite bloggers wrote two things she feels guilty about. Or not. As a mom. Mommy guilt is something that is born in our systems the moment the fetus is formed I think. I should be eating better, but man, I am lazy to cook now, let me just eat noodles. Oh dear, I am so terrible, giving my system Atta noodles when I have a baby growing inside of me. Terrible terrible me. I have not gained enough weight for it being the second trimester. It must be because of not eating well. Just starts there and never ends. But of course we all do things every now and then where we go with our needs or desires ahead of the children. And feel guilty about it. And sometimes not even feel guilty about it. I read Ro's interesting post on this and I really can write down her number one thing as is here because I do the same and I just don't feel guilty about it. Kids bedtime routine has moved on to dad because enough is enough I have woken up hours on end with KB until he was about two years old and with KG when she was an infant when I woke up to nurse her. I honestly also feel they need quiet time with daddy, so let him enjoy the bed time routine. No guilt there. So let me write something I do feel guilty about.

I grew up seeing my parents fight with each other all the time. They had their own connection, used to go to weddings and functions together, discuss people, friends, incidents, help people and never question each other about it - but bicker they did - what to me seemed non stop. I hated it. That horrible temper they would be in when they were in the thick of the fight. I told myself I should not do that to my kids. I don't do it to my kids that same way. But I don't even want to do it to the extent I do now. I fight with B in front of them. Not just argue. We shout and yell and spill our guts out for those thirty seconds. Words like "ridiculous" and "Goddamn it" are used. I slam cabinet doors as I cook when I am in the middle of a fight. There have been times when KB has broken down crying because he always takes my side and he feels very bad that I am upset. We play the blame game and I find it embarrassing. Fighting like second graders. I feel horribly guilty about it. But I console myself that a) they need to know people fight, it happens, we move on, we are still friends b) mom is surely not a saint c) I do show to them that B and I also care for each other because I always tell them even on a day that we may have fought that their dad is an amazing dad and they are lucky to have such a wonderful dad and that it is not OK to talk back to daddy in anger. You can argue with mom or dad but no rudeness allowed. And I go through the guilt all over again because I am not showing it in my actions, I should not be shouting at their dad.

2) This one is just like the one Ro wrote about. There are days when I am running around from place to place and getting things done in the house, I just forget to eat breakfast or there is not enough time for a snack in the evening. I used to get the multi colored fennel candy (if I happened to go to the Indian store) which I used to love as a child and still do. If I get that, in my hunger, I used to gobble up half the packet during the drive. This while restricting my sweet toothed daughter to eat 2 or 3 max of Bourbon cookies. I have since stopped buying that candy. My son, the saint of the house without ever scolding me has made me stop buying it by being such a role model for me. How? I once told him about how he should not eat dum dum lollipops too much (he does not eat ANY candy or chocolate but he used to eat this) because it has food dyes that are not good for children. He asked me more about it and then said "Then why do those companies make it for children?". I said, they do, because they know kids will like it and they will also get money. But since then he has pretty much stopped eating those lollipops. Sometimes I am the one telling him to have one and that it is OK once in a while but he still won't eat it. He will only eat the naturally flavored/colored with fruit juice pops from Trader Joes. I was shamed into having half his self control when it comes to my fennel candy.

Well, that's my guilt story.

I tag "Neera" and "Ranjani" on this one!

Questions from KB

2011-07-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have to pause and think before I answer KB's questions or pass it on to the dad when he gets home in the evening if I don't have time to google it. I am partly writing this because it is interesting for me to read these sort of posts a couple of years later. I plan to look up some old posts to see what KB used to be like at age four.

Anyway - some of the questions from the last two days:

1) Mamma, if I put an Apple in water and freeze it, will it get preserved for ever? (He has a piece of apple frozen in a cup of water in the freezer - he plans to keep it that way until he goes to college apparently!).

2) If gravity is such a powerful force, how am I even able to jump on my trampoline?

3) Mamma, suppose I am floating in water and gravity is everywhere, how come I am able to float?

4) What makes water turn into ice?

5) If fire comes out of the rocket when it takes off, how does the metal tube at the base of the rocket not get burnt?

6) Why do we need tissues?

7) How does the food know to go into the food pipe and not into the wind pipe all the time?

8) Will the sun also die and have a new sun be born later after billions of years?

9) Mamma, sometimes when I brush, there is a bubble on my lips, how come it doesn't burst when I touch it with the brush?

10) How is sand formed on earth?

11) Why does the earth spin around the sun?

12) Mamma, if the doctor cuts open the mom's tummy to take the baby out (I have not told him how natural delivery happens because he will then think too much about all that - I felt it can wait), then what do animals in the wild do? They don't have any vets to take their babies out right?

13) Why does old paper turn yellow?

14) Today's question when we were driving back from Target shop while listening to his favorite CD: "Mamma, how do they put the music on the CD if people are not singing in front of it?"

The power of the individual

2011-07-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

We went to the beach Friday night around 7.45 p.m. The weather was balmy, warm and gorgeous. I had the kids eat an early dinner and kept dinner ready for us. As soon as B came home, we took off. It was a full moon day and the waves were crashing on the big rocks behind the shore. There were fire pits in the beach and on full moon days, the local drum group comes to play there to drum in the full moon. It was absolutely lively to have the beat of the drums, the warm air, camp fire, embers flying through the air, jugglers doing fire tricks and people dancing around the drummers. KB was so excited that he was dancing random crazy dances. KG was delighted to dance along more slowly and gracefully but was very nervous when she saw a juggler throw a fire ball into her mouth. That looked pretty scary even for me. I have no idea how they even do that and not wince in pain.

There was a young girl with thick blond hair which was dyed a bright blue in the front. She wore a sports bra and a pair of sports capris thus exposing her midriff. She looked very sensual but not vulgar. She seemed to be in her early twenties. She was in the side lines watching one of the older men juggle with some bars with fire balls on the ends. I never expected this young woman to come and do some fire tricks herself. Every time I watch something of this sort, I find it very interesting. What motivates this young girl to learn these difficult and somewhat dangerous fire tricks and do it for free? Who are her parents? Do they encourage her or discourage her? I just wonder about these things when I see someone like her. It is in its own way a very nice feeling for me when I see such quirky individuals because it is telling of the power of the individual. That fire within. To do something that sparks your interest and do it no matter the reward. To have a sense of self and have the discipline it takes to follow up and nurture an interest from within.

The other day I was typing something on the computer when the TV was on in the background late at night. I saw some program on women body builders. This young girl who was in high school was working towards becoming one. What impressed me about her was how at that young age she had chosen something not so popular yet put in enormous amounts of effort and time and had the discipline to follow a strict diet and grueling exercise schedule from her trainer. Similarly when I read about this man, I feel that same fascination I feel for the power of the individual. Though he is famous now, it must have been a lonely journey in the start of his running endeavors and also most of the running times must be a kind of lonely experience. In this context I also have to write about this person who I have come to admire even though I only know her as the mother of my blog pal (who also is incredibly talented). No one expects these people to accomplish these goals. The end point is exciting and joyous but the journey is long and requires immense perseverance. Yet that drive from within to set that goal and accomplish it is so remarkable. Be it in small ways or big ways, it is nice to see someone have their own ways of doing things and be their own unique individual adding so much color to the world. The beauty of creation and the uniqueness of each creation is just mind boggling. In that sense too, parenting is such a moving journey because you see the uniqueness of the individual taking shape day by day in small and big ways. I guess this is what makes people watching also so interesting because you can sit and marvel at variety there is out there despite us all belonging to one species.

Small gestures of kindness...

2011-07-14T00:59:00.000-07:00

I read this post by Ranjani - a typical Ranjani style post - simple, straight from the heart kind of post. I too often think of the people who have done small things which meant a lot or in some cases - what might have been small to them but really turned out to be a huge favor for me. I am sure if I pause to think about it I will have a lot of people in this list. But for starters I will write down a few. (And Neera - see I posted!).

- When I was a graduate student, I had to stay till late night one day, but then I had an abscess that was really hurting me by the evening. I had no choice but to go to ER alone. I just walked over to the medical building/hospital ER and waited for a couple of hours since there were much worse cases ahead of me. When finally my turn came, they said an intern would come soon and take care of me. I was in a lot of pain and there was a black woman, tall and strong who stayed with me through out the procedure and held my palms tight. It was cold outside when I walked out but I was feeling so warm inside at the thought of this kind woman who realized that I was alone and in a lot of pain. I don't remember her face or name but I remember what she did for me that day.

- When I was working in a research lab, I had to do a procedure on a newborn mouse. I hated touching those tender beings and I was really scared as to how I would get through it. But a medical student who later became a good friend of mine (with whom I have sadly lost all contact, he is now a big shot director of a neurosurgery center) came to my rescue and stood by me while I did it even though he didn't really know me well at that time. We have shared so many light moments and I have learned so much from him. It was truly good, simple friendship. He was such an inspiring person, so full of life, so talented and brilliant. I completely lost touch with him over the years but one day when I looked up his name I felt so proud to see where he was in life at this point. I always thank him in my mind for being a good/kind friend then when he was just a student.

- When my father was in the hospital and we knew the time had come, I had to book tickets and leave immediately to take a long flight to the other coast with a 17m old KB, while being pregnant with KG. I was so sad and was crying and miserable. My friend happened to call and I told her the news and that I was leaving in a couple of hours to the airport. She drove half an hour on a week day morning and brought me the essentials I would need for KB for the flight. And just stayed with me through the next hour just being there for me. Another friend who I had gotten to know only recently brought over long pants that would fit my pregnant belly (I only had capris that fit me since it was warm where I lived) since I was going to a cold place. I didn't even think to ask any one to come to me for moral support but they just showed up and I late realized how good it was to have that moral support.

- When I was returning from Bangalore after KB's ayushomam, I was traveling alone. KB fell asleep in the van as my FIL dropped me at the airport and came up to the point he could with me. I paid a good amount to the guy in some khaki uniform - some airport staff - to help me through the check in process since I had my luggage, carry on diaper bag and sleeping child on my shoulders and I was pregnant with KG (it all happened the same year). As soon as we entered and I was in line, the guy just took the money but did nothing to help. He just vanished. I had no idea where the line even began because it was a ridiculous mob of people pushing towards the ticket counter. I was literally in tears when KB woke up and cried looking at the huge crowds. Suddenly I came to know that I had to pick up some form upstairs and then fill it out and then come downstairs with it. I can't remember the details but I remember it was all extremely stressful. I spotted some uniformed person and ran to him and said "You have to help me. The person whom I paid money to has vanished. I don't know who to ask for help. My child is crying and I have all this luggage. I have no idea where the line begins or ends". The guy told me that he was actually not an airport official but the chief person for the catering department for that flight. But him and the person who worked for him both just stayed with me the whole time - picked up the form for me, filled it out (I handed my passport to a complete stranger!) while a crying KB would not let go of me and had to be fed at that moment! They went downstairs and handed the form and got everything sorted out and chatted with me until I went into the boarding area. I don't know if I would have even made it on that flight if they had not helped me. Till date, I am so grateful for their help.

Am sure there are lots more people I can write about in this list. But I will stop here for now.

This n that...

2011-07-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a relaxing day doing stuff at home. Usually summer weekends I have this feeling that I have to utilize it by taking the kids out some place - usually some place outdoors. Hiking, zoo, botanical garden etc. Last Saturday I decided I had to clean out stuff from the garage and so I stopped myself from planning some outing with the kids. Instead they went with B to the skating arena and roller skated for a couple of hours. I had to make a couple of calls and then got to work cleaning out at least a part of the garage. I got rid of a ton of awesome carnatic music cassette tapes. I had kept them with me not having the heart to throw them out. But it didn't make sense to keep them for ever since I don't even have a cassette player anymore. Gosh how times change. To think that my children would never have even seen a cassette! After the kids got back, we had lunch and tea and just lazed around doing stuff around the house. KB wanted to buy basket ball shoes for himself since he has now joined a basket ball class. So we went to buy him shoes and then on the way decided to eat at a local south Indian restaurant. We usually don't eat out that often partly because most of the time my mother or my FIL are with us and they can't really eat out. Plus KB is such a fussy eater that I am always afraid that he will go hungry. But he agreed to eat dosa and he did OK - at least had half of the kids cone dosa.

Next morning, Sunday, we got an early start to the day and went to the zoo. KB and KG's good friends came along and we had a great time. By the time we got back it was close to 9.45 p.m. and the kids were exhausted and fast asleep. Today, I decided to check out a Montessori school for KG that I had been meaning to check out. She seemed really comfortable in the pre-K classroom. I am not happy with the stand offishness of the teacher. There are two teachers and an assistant in the classroom. The second teacher was friendly and showed KG around the classroom. KG was in there for about an hour and half. The director of the school took KB to the KG/first grade classroom and gave him this game to play on his own. After sometime KB and I peeked through the window to see how KG was doing and she was totally fine. The director of the school was talking to me while we waited in the playground. KB was bored but did not want to go inside again to play on the computer. He stood around following some cotton seeds that were flying around. We had been talking for about fifteen minutes when suddenly KB came to me and said, "Excuse me, Mamma" and mumbled a whole bunch of numbers in my ears. I had no idea what he was talking about and told him so. He repeated it to me a little louder and said, "Mamma, eighteen thousand eight hundred and sixty three plus eighteen thousand eight hundred and sixty three is thirty seven thousand seven hundred and twenty six". I was totally confused as to why he was suddenly telling me this and I had to quickly add it up mentally to see if he was right. And he was. I said, yes, KB, you are right. He then asked me for a piece of paper. The director told him to go to the KG classroom and get it from the teacher. He ran in and wrote it down and brought it to me. I guess boredom helps! He just randomly picked his huge number and did a mental addition while chasing cotton seeds to kill time!

Tomorrow morning KG's classmate has a birthday party, so KB will also come along. Summer is just the best! Nearly one month since KB's school ended for the summer and it has been so relaxing. I thought being home all day with both kids at home would probably drive me nuts. They do drive me crazy at times with their fighting but overall it has been so awesome. Just having the time to go places with them without much planning and knowing that we don't have to rush them to school the next morning - it has been so lovely. Knock on wood!

Nightmares...

2011-07-09T01:26:00.000-07:00

KB has always been a light sleeper. Even as an infant I have had to deal with sleepless nights with him. Even when he was just born he looked so alert and so deep in thought. He continues to be that way. But the last few months have not been just those random wake up for a few minutes, talking in his sleep or whining a little and going back to sleep. KB wakes up around 10.45 p.m. (he goes to sleep around 9.00 p.m.) crying in his sleep. He gets up half asleep and kneels down and keeps bending down and putting his head on the pillow as if he was doing a namaz prayer and cries out "Mamma! Daddy"...and says "Help me" or just keeps calling out for us while crying "Mamma...Mamma..." The first time he had this kind of petrified look, I traced it back to the combination of medications he took for his Bronchitis. But the last couple of months, he did not take any medications. I made him sleep in our bed (and later move him to his bed) - that worked for about three weeks. So I thought something about his bed made him get nightmares. But I jinxed it. He got nightmares on random days.

I am very sensitive to the temperature in the room. If it gets too hot, especially on those days in winter when we turn on the heater and if it is a little too much, I end up getting nightmares. Even if feel sleepy and lazy I would wake up and turn down the heat. KB seems exactly the same way. But the temperature is not the only thing. It is a combination of his age, the stage of development when they understand more, imagine more and hence get these nightmares. But it is also his particular nature. Intense, compulsive, particular about how things are done, thinks very deeply about things. I will write more about his nature in his birthday post next month. He is totally into "Calvin and Hobbes" comics these days. He reads them on his own but we read it to him before bedtime. Even though it is not scary, it has some food for thought in its content. So KB ends up thinking about things like "Why did his racoon die?" etc while going to bed (I think!). Anyway - one thing that helps to calm him down and get him back to sleep is getting a cold towel and rubbing his back and forehead with it. The whole process takes about fifteen minutes. It wasn't this bad until the last couple of months. Of late it has been about three times a week that this happens. May be the heat of the summer also contributes to it. But it is very stressful for me sometimes - the anticipation that he might wake up crying, then trying to calm him down and getting him back to sleep. I just hope he gets through this phase and gets back to sleeping peacefully through the night.

KG turned four...

2011-07-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

KG turned four couple of weeks back. It is so unbelievable for me because it sometimes feels like she grew up completely on her own. Well, not literally. But she just grew up before I could even imprint it in my head. Always rushing to catch up with her brother who is twenty two months older than her. She is a mix of daring and shy that sometimes surprises me. She sometimes acts like she has no clue what fear means, that such an emotion even exists. But sometimes she exhibits shyness that I just cannot understand. I drop her in preschool for the first time when she is three years and two months old. She waves goodbye and acts like she has been going there for ever, doesn't even turn to look for me. Her teacher, who is also into photography sends me pictures of her every day. I can actually see how long she took to let go of herself at the new environment. She barely gave a smile in the initial days. Then a suppressed smile. A slight curve. A couple of teeth showing. A few more. Then a full smile. Raging laughter chasing after her teacher in the playground by the end of the year. She had such a good time at her preschool. The learning part of it was too abstract that I really don't know if academically she learned much there. But her teacher just loves children and dotes on them. That sense of warmth made me feel so much at ease when she was away at school.

The summer before KB turned four, he started reading simple Bob books. The first time he read a book fully to me was so exciting that I even remember that moment well now. But with KG things just happen and we take it in stride. I do feel happy but it is not a novel experience. Considering how little time I spend reading to her alone, or teaching her things (since there is not much academic learning at her school), I am often surprised by how she picks up things. When one day I found these Brain quest cards on our book shelf and sat down with her and asked her those questions, I was pleasantly surprised by the ease with which she could answer most questions. The poor little sister, she ends up listening to us reading Magic tree house books or books about mammals meant for older kids that we read to KB. He is such a talker and such a prankster that I often have to physically shut his mouth so he would let KG talk or answer questions. He delights in annoying her by answering any question I ask her quickly before she can answer it. So she does not get much individual attention where I sit down to teach her things. KB was a very focused and attentive listener when I read books to him. He could read books back to me verbatim from memory from the time he was two and half. It still amazes me that we took that for granted because KG absolutely cannot do it. She just does not pay attention to the exact words. But on the other hand she gets the story and often surprises me with her understanding of subtle nuances in the story.

Thanks to her brother who is now totally into basketball and reads books about greatest basketball players, she too knows about players like Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Bill Russell. She loves to sing and makes up gibberish songs and sings on and on even when she is in the bathroom. We baby her a lot at home and she thrives and enjoys the attention. She wakes up in the morning and always insists on "Mamma" coming to get her from the bed. Some days if she decides to get out of her bed on her own she will come looking for me in the living room and sit next to me and say "Good morning Mamma". She does not have the clarity of communication that KB had at her age. KB always was verbally way ahead of his age and so we sometimes get nervous if she is on track or not for her age. KB's teacher and now KG's teacher both remind me that KB was naturally very verbal and was ahead of his age and I should not be comparing her to him. And that she is totally fine. KG talks a lot but sometimes gives totally random stories or answers which I am not used to at all with KB. She has cute ways of saying things the wrong way that we love so much and go out of our way to not correct her. Like if I tell her "KG, I know you will break it". She would say to me, "No, I will'nt". She still says "Sun scream" lotion for "Sun screen" lotion. KB has always been so precise and correct and clear in the way he talked that KG's lingering mazhalai (baby language) is such a delight for us.

KG loves to play outdoors. She has always been daring when it comes to activities at the park. At age two and half or three, KB used to be slightly scared of going in those tall curvy slides. KG on the other hand could do it without any fear since age two. Even now if I am busy and the bedroom light needs to be turned on, KG is the one who rushes in and turns it on for KB just so he won't be scared! I sent her with B and KB couple of weeks back to the park and told B to get her started on riding the bike w/out training wheels. KB learned to ride a bike without training wheels only at age five. But for her we decided to start earlier because I knew she was ready for it. But I assumed it would take a few tries and that I would go with her the next time and I would get to see her bike on her own (without training wheels). B came back home that day and told me that within forty minutes of trying, she was happily biking on her own without any training wheels. Even turns and slowing down for it etc. We took the kids for roller skating lessons a few times. KG just pushes me off to go to the side lines and not help her out. She learned to do a pretty good job of it quite fast. One Afghani mom who was on the sides was observing her the second class and told me "Your daughter, she is so strong willed". Indeed she is. Extremely so. B and I wonder how we will cope with her strong will when she is a teenager. She has very good grip when it comes to holding her pencil and she loves to paint. I took her to an art class couple of weeks back. The instructor said that he normally does not take four year olds but when he saw her paint the flowers (he drew the outlines for her), he said he would take her in once a month because she was able to hold the brush and paint really well for her age (in his words). She has started swim lessons since last week. Her teacher told me that she was completely comfortable in the water. After class KB and KG and two of their friends were playing in the smaller shallow pool. KG kept asking me if she could go to the big pool where she had the class. I said no and that she could only play in the little pool. The kind of "kurutu dhairyam" (blind courage) she has, she suddenly got out of the play pool and very coolly walked to the big pool and was about to jump in. I had to make a dash and grab her before she fell in. She scares me with her recklessness sometimes. She is always skipping and running like a typical happy go lucky four year old. On the day of her birthday, she banged her head on the edge of the wall and I had to rush her to the doctor and have the skin on her forehead pulled together with derma bond! The next day again she hurt herself on the other side of her forehead while fighting with KB for the basketball in the yard outside. She gets bruises all the time but usually does not fuss like KB would for these little cuts and scrapes. She writes her name and numbers up to 10 but still feels upset that she cannot write in cursive like KB does. KB is her super hero!

Any child is a blessing really. But I can't help thank God for giving me a daughter even though I did not mind either way when I was pregnant with her. She hugs tight, laughs with joy and skips around with delight, all of which fills me with joy. Especially her tight hugs. Her calmness in some situations makes me wish I could be like her in some ways. I just hope she continues that way. She is sometimes a paradox - calm yet full of energy, daring yet shy, grasps things well but talks like a baby sometimes, is so strong willed yet melts if I so much as say "Aww" if she steps on my toes and immediately bends down to rub my toes. I continue to say my thanks to God for all the ways in which she has helped me in raising two kids who are so close in age by being easy going in so many ways. I thank God so often for giving me a daughter since I am enjoying her so much. Thank you God, thank you!

The caretaker's dilemma

2011-06-07T01:57:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about the issue of taking care of aging parents and the complexities of the situation. We are the generation with one foot in the U.S (or any place else abroad) and one foot back home in India. Some of us came here for our undergraduate studies, some for graduate school and some others for work. Many decided to stay on after marriage, had children and established roots here. I am writing from the perspective of someone who is going through the confusion of what is right when it comes to being the caretaker for an aging parent or parent-in-law.

MM wrote this post recently on how it is for her parents to come to the U.S. and being away from their home, their normal routines. I also read this post by hiphopgrandma on the same topic. Very interesting perspectives. I am sure there are plenty of others with stories of their own regarding this issue. I have written about this topic earlier as well. I wrote that post nearly three years back. By divine grace so far we have managed OK both with my mother and with my father-in-law. My FIL got his green card and shunts between the two countries. He spends some time with his daughter and then comes to stay with us and then heads back to India.

I feel very guilty when I see my FIL alone without my mother-in-law and having to stay with us for part of the year. If she had been alive, they would have both coped with life here quite well. They enjoyed their trips to the U.S. in the past. So in that sense, they did not feel too displaced and were quite happy to be with their children. My MIL was a very talented, sharp woman and she had tremendous inner strength as I saw it and from what I heard from all her relatives. She could be put in any situation and she would adapt and cope and always had a calm temperament. I might have had some issues with her had she also been living with us - like it would happen in any normal situation when people co exist - but I consider it a tremendous loss for me that she passed away. At the same time, I am still glad that she did not suffer nor become a burden for my FIL to take care of her, even if her children were to be there for them.

I sometimes see my father-in-law turn off the TV and just sit quietly, thinking, and staring up at the wall. It really breaks my heart. He is a voracious reader - he reads plenty of books and reads the newspaper cover to cover. He does plenty of Sudoku puzzles every day and he reads horoscopes that people email to me and I write back his comments to them. But there are 24 hours in a day and there still are so many moments in a day when there is nothing to do. How do you keep the same set of routines day after day without much social company? Unlike my father who could make friends with any one pretty much and have conversations for hours, my FIL is a quiet person and he talks a lot only if there is a common interest or if the person initiates the conversation. He is a friendly person but not overly chatty. He is not the kind to play with the children either. An occasional ball catch, that's about it.

My FIL's situation of having to live here has cropped up only in the last three years since my FIL got his green card and ends up spending about 6 or 7 months in the U.S. It is a very long stretch for him. The situation so far has been manageable. Ideally he would have been happy had we lived in Bangalore as well and he could have just continued on with his life. But both his son (my husband) and daughter came to the U.S many years back when they were both healthy and active. My husband came here for his graduate studies and then started working and then he got married to me. For me, there is no "home" as such in India because my parents moved to the U.S many years back when I came here for college. All my siblings are settled in the U.S. My father is no more and my mom shunts between all her children. She too is tired of visiting each one of us and feels the need to settle in one place.

I think about this situation and I wonder what the right thing to do would be. My FIL has never once asked us to move back to India. I am grateful to him for not sending us on guilt trips and for giving us the freedom to make that choice. He is a traditional Indian parent and so the primary responsibility rests with the son. Son yes, but the real care taking falls on the daughter-in-law. More on that later. When my husband was finishing high school and got admission into IIT, it was a matter of pride and joy for my in-laws. They had never once even told him to apply to IIT nor put him in any classes for the entrance exams. In some sense, I think the lack of pressure really helped. He went on to finish his B.tech. He got job offers from Indian firms and admission into a couple of IIM's. But with the blissfulness of youth, he just applied to some universities here for graduate studies and decided that if he got a full scholarship, he would come. And he did. At that time too it was a matter of joy for my in-laws. At that point no one in his immediate family had come to the U.S and so it was all very exciting. Later when he got a job after his graduate studies, that too was greeted with joy. He was putting off marriage and would not even look at the photos of girls that his mother would show to him (that's a side plot some of my blog pals already know about). So suddenly one day when he announced to his parents that he had decided to marry me they were very happy about it. His father was so thrilled giving out wedding invitations to even his old school teacher when he bumped into him on the way to some place. At those different stages, no one thought about what all that would mean in their old age. May be they did somewhere as a distant thought, but nothing immediate. Things seemed right at that time when every one was happy in their little worlds.

Now things are different. My mother-in-law passed away. My father-in-law has had no choice but to get adapted to life without a companion. But the reality is he has also had to deal with living alone in a world that is not his home. And that is the hard part for him, for us. What do we do in this situation? We have young children who are used to life here. My whole family lives in the U.S. and I have no home base in India now. Without my mother-in-law around, even my FIL's house does not feel like a home. I did not grow up in that city and I don't even relate to that place. My husband is happy in his job here and has never worked in India and so there is that fear of adjusting to that work culture at this stage of life, especially when the prime projects happen here for his job and not in India. KB is a very sensitive child and I am happy he is comfortable in his environment here. He is prone to respiratory infections and I honestly dread the pollution both in Bangalore and in Chennai were to live there. A windy day dust storm here triggers bronchitis for him. KG is most likely to adjust to life easily there since she is pretty easy going and will eat anything. Unlike KB who probably would have a very hard time adjusting to all the changes. Neither me nor my husband have any siblings in India now. Considering everything, at what point do you decide that you uproot yourself even if you feel a sense of belonging (even if it is not complete like it would have been had I never left India) in the place you are in? When my father-in-law left couple of days back after staying here for some months, he told me that he enjoyed his stay here and he was very appreciative of my cooking for him etc. I was grateful for those kind words from him.

I am not even considering a full time job because I know I cannot cope with handling two kids and taking care of my FIL. Even my FIL himself remarks to me that he feels sad that with all this education in hand, I am pretty much doing domestic work all day long. But I don't want the stress of work to transfer on to the kids. At least not when they are this young. Last time he was here, because of some health issues I had to take him to different doctor appointments about a dozen times in a matter of three months. This trip, it was mostly dental issues. But still it had to be dealt with. When he is here, I feel better in fact because I am on top of it when it comes to his health. I try to give him the right kind of food even if it means cooking separately for us, for the kids and for him at times. And here making appointments, contacting the pharmacy etc all involve phone time which I have very little of in the day since those sort of calls cannot be done casually when I am cooking or cleaning. I have to plan his doctor visits in the time I have between drop off and pick up for the kids and find time to cook the meals and buy groceries. There is absolutely no family locally for me and so unless it is an emergency I don't ask my friends (who also have two kids) to help me out. When he is here, I feel very guilty to take the kids out for full day trips because he doesn't enjoy being out the whole day and it is practically difficult because then I would have to plan and pack food for him for all his meals. Because of his diet restrictions, I don't feel comfortable letting him eat salty/greasy food from outside. Much as I hate having the TV on at most times during the day, because the children are around, I subscribed to all the tamil channels available and I try and keep the kids in the family room so they are not also glancing at the angry or sobbing faces in these TV serials. I never make any plans to go out of town when he is with us because I don't feel comfortable adding that responsibility on who ever we visit...if it is just us, we can always order take out if the host is busy. And the travel is tiring for him as well. All this is to say that the adjustment is not just for the aging parent but very much so for the rest of the family as well. Nine months in a year, I am taking care either of my mother or my FIL both of whom are of similar age and similar situations. This is when it irks me when some people casually remark with a tone of one sided pity that he has to put up with life here because both his children are in the U.S. No one thought about all this when things were hunky dory. Now every one is deeply entrenched in their lives so it is difficult to up and go. Be it daughter or son. This is not to say that we won't do it if it really comes down to it. Since B is at work and comes home past the kids dinner time, I pretty much have to keep both kids and FIL fed, happy, engaged. Every one needs my attention. When I am trying to have a conversation with my FIL, both kids have a hundred things to say to me. B comes home from work and spends time with the kids until their bed time. When finally at the end of the day we sit down on the couch, both of us are too tired to talk to each other. B is fast asleep ten minutes after we sit down some days and it does lead to us fighting more than we need to for trivial things because the pressure builds up. I am writing this in detail because people who are not faced with this situation don't often realize that the situation is complex and there are no ideal solutions. You just learn to cope and make the best of it. I feel happy for my FIL when he is packing to go back to India because I know how free and at home he must feel when he is in the home he has been in for the last twenty five years. I really wish he didn't have to come here and live this boring life, filled with monotonous routines of meals, walks, TV and so on. We all mean well for each other but it is not easy on any of us. I try to do my best to make life comfortable for him when he is here. I am sure I do fail in many ways especially from his perspective. But we all learn to live with it. I am not sure how much of my perspective about all this will change in my old age. I just hope we retain good health at the very least so we can be on our own. In the meanwhile, we all carry on with this balancing act.

When your child falls sick...

2011-05-20T00:17:00.000-07:00

It is only after you become a mother you understand what they mean when they say - motherhood is a piece of your heart walking outside your body. Sometimes I feel as if my heart and soul are entirely outside of me especially when they fall sick. KB is prone to bronchitis and he had been sick the last four days. He had to miss school for three days in a row. He was sick in October of last year when he had to miss five days of school. It is not a big deal - it is just Kindergarten. But it feels so terrible when you know that the child is sick and you cannot send them to school day after day until they get better.

It is almost a high when suddenly after a few days of sickness, your child gets better and gets back to routine activities. Only as you grow older these cliched statements like, "Health is wealth" and "No news is good news" make so much sense. KB is finally better now after three days and just doing regular things like going to school, eating lunch etc. I feel so relieved. Parents who have children who are asthmatic or are prone to respiratory illness just know when it has begun. That horrible painful cough. I used to hate giving him Albuterol but I have learned my lesson the hard way - if I don't nip it in the bud, it escalates to an ER visit. So now I grit my teeth and just give that blessed (and yet damned) medication. I am thankful that we have these good medications to relieve them of pain but I am still so bothered that we even have reason to use them.

Three nights back, of course it all happens smack in the middle of the night, KB woke up in his sleep crying loudly holding his hand over the left side of his head. He had had very low grade fever all day that day. B was in the room with him and I was in the living room with my laptop reading something. Suddenly I heard B call out to me to come to the room and attend to KB. I ran in and I saw KB holding the side of his head, half asleep, crying loudly saying it hurt really badly. Somehow that scene just sent me into momentary panic - this child with fever crying in pain holding the side of his head. I instantly felt so light headed and I had to sit down on the bed for a second myself. B got mad at me for this was the second time this was happening - once before when KB woke up in the middle of the night with severe coughing, I had that same feeling - that it was bad and finally we ended up taking him to ER. I don't know which is worse - his suffering or me seeing him suffer. And this is just bronchial cough. Even this is makes me so sad. Anyway - within a few seconds, KB woke up some more and said it was his left ear that was hurting. I ran to the kitchen and got him some warm compress cloth and pressed it against his ear. I then added a few drops of olive oil and then called the nurse. I knew what she would say but just had to call anyway. B went in the middle of the night to get some Ibuprofen. The rest of the night KB slept fine. The following day, the two kids had a great time playing and jumping and getting on each other's nerves until I took KB to the doctor. She gave him an antibiotic for his ear infection.

KB had not eaten much that day - cereal, half an apple and two bread slices for the whole day. And lots of gatorade. But without much food intake, that night he took Albuterol, Ibuprofen and the antibiotic. He was tossing and turning all night complaining that he was feeling too hot. I kept giving him cold towel rubs on his back and forehead every now and then. All those medications in that little frame that too with so little food. God knows what it was doing to his system. I have been giving him honey with ginger for the last 10 days or so. For KB who is such a picky eater, this is such a big deal. But he mentally trained himself literally on this one because I told him it would help him with his cough issues. And yet this happened that very same week. It is very disappointing. Although may be because of it, I ended up giving him Albuterol only twice a day and not every four hours. I feel so desperate to somehow prevent these sort of cough episodes. The ear infection came out of the blue - he has hardly had any ear infections. This is the reason why when I read blogs about kids traveling in trains in India etc it seems so adventurous to me. That kind of heat and dust coming in, if the coughing starts, I don't know what I would do in the middle of some random place.

I was talking to a friend today and she told me that one of her family friends had something terrible happen to them. Their only child, a lovely four year old boy suddenly developed high fever. A couple of days later, when he was coming down the stairs, he cried because his head was hurting unbearably. They rushed him to ER and found a tumor in his brain. It is in a place that they cannot even operate on. He has been in the hospital ever since and has not come back home. How can life change so rapidly for people?! It seems so grossly unfair especially when it happens to children. Even imagining their pain, I feel like my knees are becoming weak. If there is a hell, this must be it. Seeing a child suffer through pain, tests, treatment, confinement. Big or small, honestly, it is so hard to see children go through anything more than a mild cold. I don't know how the parents of that child (the one with the tumor) ever come to terms with it. How do they even carry on with every day duties, work etc? I don't know, I don't ever want to know. I have been feeling so sad all evening thinking about them even though I don't know them at all.

How do you feel when your child falls sick? I have become better at coping with all this but I still feel that wrenching feeling when I get that feeling that the sickness has begun, it will last 2 or 3 days, the coughing, lack of food, sleep etc and it still makes me feel bad. I cannot stop taking the kids to the park. I can only make sure they wash their hands well after they get back . I try to give them good healthy food, natural preventatives like ginger and honey. KB is just prone to it and there is only so much I am able to do to really prevent it. Has any magic potion worked for you? Do share!

And let's make a wish for that family - to give them strength to get through this terrible time.

Was daddy king?

2011-05-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

KG was eating her breakfast when my FIL was watching the royal wedding on TV. I told KG, "Hey look KG, the prince and the princess are getting married". She turned and saw Kate (yes, we are on first name basis) down the aisle in her wedding gown.

Today as I was driving the kids back from the doctor's office, a carnatic music CD was playing in the car. KB knew that that vocal artist had sung at our wedding. He asked me suddenly "Mamma, when did you and Daddy get married?". I told him. "Mamma, I was not born then right? I came only three years after you and Daddy got married". (Yes dear you were not born when I got married or your grandma would have killed me outright). KG who was quiet until then said, "But Mamma, you were a princess when you got married". Not wanting to elaborate on how I was not a princess and to not disappoint/confuse her, I said, "Yes, KG, I was a princess when I got married". Very innocently she asked me, "Daddy was the king right Mamma?". Hmm. You bet he was! Why do you think I married him?!

Stop with one child or not?

2011-05-15T02:37:00.000-07:00

KB was in the yard riding his scooter. KG had mild fever and chest congestion and I made her go to bed and take an afternoon nap. She has nearly stopped afternoon naps but I find that if she does nap for a short while then the evenings are easier for me. I spent some time trying to get her to sleep and came to the family room thinking she was asleep. Five minutes later she was out of the room declaring that she was done with her nap. Naturally because she could hear KB in the yard riding his scooter in the concrete area. She too joined him. Five minutes into it, I could hear the screeching from KG. As always it was a case of "He did that...she did this". Apparently KB had rammed into her when she was riding her scooter. I asked KB - why did you do that? Of course, the expected answer. "But mamma, she is trying to make smaller circles and act like this is a race". KG retorts, "But Mamma, KB is not being nice to me". Phew. Never ends, this fighting and arguing and me playing mediator. I yelled at the two fighting monsters, "Are you guys ever going to be friends?". I threatened KB that I would e-mail his teacher and tell her to teach the kids in the class as to how to be nice to each other and not bicker all the time. To which KB replied with a sullen face, "F..i..n..e. I won't trouble KG. But that's not fun anymore. It's so boring".

I read this post by MM and I remembered that I had written something along these lines a while back. I remembered Ro too wrote about it. So I went back in archives and found my old post on the topic. So how do I feel about it now? Now that my second one is going to be four years old. Now that I have seen how they can fight incessantly. One day when KB was sick, I had to drop KG at school and after I got back home I asked KB, "Are you missing your sister?". He said, "I can be peaceful for sometime now"!. "What? I labored through pregnancy and gave up the admission to a program for which I had a fellowship as well, just so you could have a sibling...and you feel peaceful when she is at school and you can be home alone?", I thought to myself for a fleeting second. That thought was more in jest. Because deep down, despite everything I knew that an hour later, I would notice that "peaceful" look waning and questions of "Mamma, is it time yet to pick up KG?" would emerge. And as expected it did. "I thought you found it more peaceful when she is at school?". "No Mamma, but now I am ready to go pick her up!". So then I take KB along three hours later to pick her up. She is busy playing in the fabulous playground at her preschool when I walk in to pick her up. The moment she sees us and she spots KB, she runs to him and the delight is obvious. She tells her friend, "This is my brother!". In those few words, I feel the bonding they share and the joy they feel in just having each other.

On the face of it, when I see them constantly getting on each others nerves, it is hard not to wonder if this whole sibling thing is over valued. But in the laughter and sheer delight I see in their faces when they are playing with each other is my answer. When I see how easily they can switch between being annoyed with each other to laughing with complete abandon, I see how strong their bond is. I suppose this relationship between siblings will have some of the uncertainties that any adult relationship will have in later years. But when one child is at school or is asleep, there is so much silence and peace and quiet - after a short while, it starts to get to you. You realize how lively it is and how rich all our lives are because they are together. It is so hard for me to imagine one without the other because KB was only twenty two months old when KG was born. Practically speaking, yes, life would have been so much easier with just one child. But when it is a labor of love, it is the only way you want it. It is so hard not to convince people who are on the fence to just go for the second. I feel so happy when some of my friends who were afraid or doubtful about having a second call me and tell me that they are pregnant with their second child. I feel so happy for their first child more than for the parents. When I see KB and KG together, I just pray that they will be there for each other long after even I am gone. That they will be there for each others children as well. So yes, now that my second one is going to be four, I am more than sure that we did the right thing. Of course, I do think single children do grow up happy and have a great life as well. My two nephews and one niece are all single children and they are absolutely wonderful human beings. I am not saying being a single child is worse off, but having a sibling is just wonderful nevertheless and it just feels right for me as a parent. If any one asks me, I don't have to think for a second to say, yes, go for it, you will not regret it.

Mother's day begins with a 6.00 a.m. argument!

2011-05-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

Of all the hallmark days, I have to say I actually don't mind mother's day. Commercial as it is, it is one day when mother's are thought about...and kids are made to just pause for a second to think about their moms and express something to acknowledge mom. And honestly when I think of how my mom and her mom have slogged throughout their lives in the context of their own lives, for their family and extended family and how it was all mostly taken for granted, I actually feel like mother's day is not a bad idea. If Hallmark benefits along with the way, so be it!

Last year, KB dragged his dad to a store and bought me ear rings and a tee shirt. No such luck this time around. May be because he had done such adorable mother's day craft at his school. A tiny heart pillow, a bracelet made of painted stones and a totally adorable card saying why he loves mom! KG's school was no less - they had a mother's day luncheon and KG, with her teacher's help I am sure, had painted the rim of a adorable paper hat (the kind you saw the royal wedding!) with her finger prints and gave it to me. And had made really lovely paper flower out of thin tissue paper painted with water colors. She answered questions about mom to her teacher - like "what does mom do for fun?" - she takes us to the park. What is mom's favorite movie? "Boring things"! She didn't know what my favorite movie was - so she said - boring things! KG's preschool had the luncheon on Friday itself since mother's day falls on a Sunday. She gave me her mother's day craft/gift that day itself.

KB on the other hand remembered to hide the mom's day gifts he made at his school. This morning he was so excited about Mother's day, he woke up bright and early at 6.00 a.m. No chance of sleeping in once he wakes up. I was in bed but of course answering his questions non stop. He woke up and immediately ran to his hiding spot and got out the stuff and brought it to my bed. KG woke up too and this is how it went. KB gave me the stuff and I looked at the gifts and read his card and sounded very happy and excited. KG said to him, "But we celebrated mother's day yesterday". For KG anything that is not today is yesterday even if it is a month back. KB, the logic boy, said to her "But KG, that was a pretend celebration, today is actually Mother's day". KG immediately raises her voice and said, "NO KB! Mother's day was yesterday". "NO, TODAY!". While poor mom is lying in bed with the two kids sitting on either side, fighting over mother's day and it is just ten minutes past 6.00 a.m.! Well, shouldn't complain. Waking up to two beings who make me feel like I am alive because of how much I feel for them unconditionally is a true blessing. Thank you God for giving me this blessing - to really feel what it is to love someone truly unconditionally. I really don't know if it is possible to feel this for any one other than for your own children (by own I mean, the kids who you consider your own children because you raise them). May be things change when they become adults, I don't know, but when they are children, it is truly a powerful and pure feeling. Wanting the absolute best for them without any doubt what so ever. Praying most earnestly to that power up there to keep them safe and healthy. That untarnished feeling of genuine love - it does feel good to be a mother and feel that. I hope all of you had a wonderful mother's day!

31 x 3

2011-04-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

KB had a homework assignment couple of days back. He had to buy something for under a dollar and give exact change to buy what he wanted. And he had to write about it. I was planning to just take him to Target and find something for under a dollar.

My sister called me from the bay area and told me that her teenage daughter, my niece, had informed her that Baskin Robbins was having a 31C per scoop special. And she had gone out for ice-cream. I usually never go specifically to buy ice cream. KB does not eat ice-cream and somehow because of it we don't go just to get ice-cream. But this time around, I thought it would be fun for KB to buy something for under a dollar and buy ice-cream for his sister. KG likes ice cream and she had asked me for some that day.

After KB and KG had their dinner, I went to the ice-cream place and stood in line. When I got closer to the entrance, I called B and he brought the kids over. KB had a lot of fun ordering for his little sister and he made sure he gave the exact change to the clerk. He bought three scoops of which some were of course eaten by the parent! They climbed on the low wall along with other imps who were running around. Overall they had so much fun. For a change I thought it was worth having waited in line for 45 minutes. KB gave exact change for 93 C and mentioned KG's favorite ice-cream flavors. It was delightful because it made KB feel important and more because unexpectedly on a week day evening, we went as a family just to buy a few scoops of ice-cream. The whole thing felt so simple and nice. It was a truly jolly evening with kids playing all over the place while parents stood in line and at the end of it you get a sweet treat! And of course I thought this made his home work also more interesting rather than buying some useless item at Target. KB asked for a cone - just the cone, no ice-cream - for himself. Thank God he at least had that - if not I would have felt guilty eating my "Tax-crunch, nutty coconut, Cherry jubilee" triple scoop! Well, we went for a 31C special and ended up having so much fun. Am sure this summer we will go there a few more times, of course at 3.99 per scoop probably!

Questions galore

2011-03-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

We had gone to the park this evening with KB and KG and two boys who are their friends. My friend is moving houses, so she left her boys with me at the park. It had rained this morning so the sand was perfect for building sand castles because it had been sunny the whole afternoon but the sand underneath was still damp. We made so many sand castles. And volcanoes and mountains and roads for KG's dump truck to pass through and the tourist vehicles to come and see the erupted volcano. We dug a hole deep enough for four kids and two moms to sit in after she came to pick the boys up. Of course it is a lot of fun when we are at the park. But once we start getting into the car, the tension builds up in my system. They are filled with dirt, completely tired and hungry. But they have to have a shower as soon as we get home and I have to rush and get dinner ready and settle them before they start getting cranky from hunger. And in the meanwhile get dinner ready for my father-in-law also. Dinner times are such a scramble and it is exactly the time the kids also pick their fights and irritate each other to the maximum.

On the plus side though, both kids were so hungry that they ate their dinner really fast. I usually read to them as they eat their dinner. Today's book was "A trip to the moon" with pictures of astronauts and the different components of a rocket/space ship etc. KB was reeling of so many questions some of which I have to look up the answers to. 1) Mamma, if the sun is in outer space, why does it look as if it is inside the earth? 2) If outer space does not have gravity and earth has gravity, then where does gravity even come from? 3) If earth has gravity, then how come clouds don't get pulled down by that force? 4) How far do we have to dig to get to the earth's core? 5) How are rocks formed? How can soil turn into hard rock? 6) Where do they get the oxygen from inside the space ship? 7) How do they get into the space ship when the rocket is so tall? 8) How come the rocket can only take 5 or 6 people in it but so many more people fly in the plane? I thought the rocket was more powerful than the plane!

Goodness - I needed some physics expert next to me to answer all his questions clearly. Thankfully B came home in the middle of these questions and I told him to take over and answer all these clearly.

Is god alive?

2011-03-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

Normally a question like that comes loaded with the anxiety and anguish of the person saying it. But coming from a child the question "Is God alive?" is just that - a question of pure curiosity. KB was talking to me about something - I can't remember the context of the conversation - but I said something like - "That's why God gave us a mind to think!". I knew the moment I said it that the conversation will turn to God.

KB immediately asked me, "Mamma, is God alive?". I was in the middle of what I was doing and I didn't want the conversation to turn in this direction. So I just made light of his question and said, "Well, KB, hard to say. Anyway - I was just saying that we can think". He pondered still about his own question and said, "Mamma, I think God is something someone made up. It is just a word, it is not a real person. It is like how you say Leprechaun".

Oh dear! How did it come to this! I did not continue the conversation about this at that point in time. He still has his favorites when it comes to Gods. Hanuman is his most favorite God. But on the other hand this idea has somehow gotten into his head. I guess the ambivalence I feel about God is something he feels too. He has to develop his own personal God as he grows up and comes to understand his world more and more. Nevertheless, it was funny in its own way!

The ipad generation

2011-02-26T02:18:00.000-08:00

I just read this article in the NYT from a concerned parent worried about her 6 year old's addiction to ipad. As parents in this high tech world, honestly, I feel combating distractions and playing the authority figure who decides how much is too much when it comes to screen time of sorts is getting to be a little challenging. And this when my kids are just 5.5 and 3.5 years old. I have not felt the challenge yet. But I know it has started.

When KB was 3 years old, my friend used to often ask me how I managed to never turn the TV on for him. I never found it difficult because somehow he didn't ask for it, I had not exposed him to it much and I knew that when he is five or so and he gets into it, he will anyway get plenty of it. If I had to cook, I would for example set out two little jars of water and some smaller cups and spoons and he would pour/transfer/spill etc but it would keep him occupied for a long time. He was a calmer child then. He turned four, became this hyper energetic child, moved to a different preschool where his closest buddy was a star wars fan and would bring his toy light saber. KB got into it. At that time I had also introduced him to a couple of PBS TV shows - Dinosaur train and Sid the science kid - because KB was crazy about dinosaurs (still is to some extent) and he loved Sid the science kid which came on just before Dinosaur train. We only have basic cable in our house so the kids anyway didn't have nick jr or Disney channel etc to watch. Aside from these shows KB got into Star wars and Scooby doo. Being the obsessive kid that he is, he totally got into "Star wars". I didn't think too much about letting him watch it since he read Star wars books and his close friend also watched it without getting affected by it. My niece gifted him this big Star wars dictionary or encylopedia, I can't remember - but KB would make us read all that useless information to him but would just sound like a star wars groupie remembering all kinds of details of Sith lords and who has what kind of light saber and what not. But some good came of it. He learned a lot of new words. And Yoda became a good role model for him. He still considers himself like Yoda when it comes to mind control. That controlling one's mind can be a very powerful tool. When he got frustrated say while trying to do a little math problem or a puzzle - he is that way - too hard on himself - tearing up if he can't do it on his own without help - he would try and control his tears saying he is like Yoda. When he felt anxious about new situations, I would remind him how he is like Yoda and he can control his fears. And many a time he did work on himself as if he was Yoda. And then suddenly one day he outgrew the star wars madness. Moved on to Scooby doo. My sister, the indulgent aunt that she is, immediately mailed him a scooby-doo DVD set. From then on, he was crazy about Scooby-doo. He got a mystery machine along with the characters as a gift. He played with it every morning after his shower even on school days. Just a quick hello and time with the characters. He got a whole bunch of books and it motivated him to read on his own as well since he enjoyed those books. He moved on from that phase to the Super hero phase - dressed up as Iron man for Halloween and would draw those characters etc etc. And then moved on from that phase to Ben 10 addiction. He is totally into it now and as soon as he gets back from school he "slaps on" (as he puts it) his "Omnitrix" and wears it until he goes to bed. He transforms into different aliens for different situations. He turns into grey matter when he does his math work or XLR8 when he needs to play outside. He made an "An I can read book" "Ben 10 guide" on his own - drawing about 17 characters and writing about each of them one the other side of the page. He was so proud his first book that he created of his own free will. He is still in the Ben 10 phase - frankly I am getting so tired of it - am waiting for him to outgrow this phase. All this happens on the side apart from his school work etc - without my ever having to tell him - he will never ask to take his Omnitrix to school. He constantly asks me about words he learned from Ben 10 - armor, enhanced, admire, priority, astounding, demise - and he points it out to me when I refer to Ben 10 as "Ottandi Ben 10" (useless Ben 10) - Mamma, I do learn things from Ben 10 too! :)

KG who is all of 3.5 now and started preschool only in September has watched all the shows that KB has watched and has listened to me read all kinds of books that I read to KB - Magic tree house series, Flat Stanley series, Magic school bus, and of course all the star wars and scooby books along with all the other non fiction books he reads. And now if I tell her I am going to eat her up because she is so delicious, she says, Mamma, I am going to become Humongosaur (a Ben 10 alien form) and defeat you! Which ever phase KB is in, she is in. And goes with the flow. Her preschool teacher is this awesome teacher who is a complete natural with kids. She is also a very wealthy woman whose children are all grown up and is generally in a very happy place in life now. She is also a huge fan of the ipad. She has bought several apps for her class kids to use. KG's teacher emailed me a few weeks back with photos of her playing with the i-pad and said "She is just amazing with it". She does this snake puzzle by setting it at the highest difficulty level and memory match games etc with great ease. As I walked in one day to pick her up from school, her teacher Ms.G said to me "Just watch. She is totally in charge here. She lets each kid finish their turn, takes the i-pad back from them, goes back to the main page, picks the game, sets the difficulty level for that child and gives each one their turn". And that is exactly what she was doing. One of the kids got stuck because he pressed the wrong button and he called out to his teacher to help him. KG just took the i-pad gently from him and pressed a few buttons and went back to the main page and brought it back to where he was before his teacher could even get to it. Ms.G turned to me and said, "See, I told you, she is totally in charge here. She is just amazing with it". May be it is being the second child or it is her nature. But I don't know if KB would have done all that with that much ease. He is more careful with it - he would not pull a puzzle piece into a slot that fast - he would pause to make sure it was the right piece. Even when he plays chess he thinks so much before making his move. Their inherent nature plays out even in such small things.

Back to my main point. How much of all this is too much? KB is now getting into nickjr.com games. KG is getting addicted to morestarfall.com. And when we buy the i-pad this year, am sure there will more of that to deal with - both in good and bad ways. Moderation is key. But even deciding what is moderation is hard when you know they are learning something, enjoying themselves too. And at least so far when the weather is good and we have time we are always at the park. I make sure they meet with their friends and play rather than sit and watch videos. But one fall out from all this is the time to play board games. Between doing school work, piano practice, chess every now and then, and now these computer games and reading books to them, it is so hard to find time to play board games. When KB was 3 plus we used to play board games almost every night. I do feel bad about that. It is not an easy thing I feel - allocating time for the million things. While the noise drives me crazy at times, I am still most happy when I see KB and KG playing their pretend games for a long time jumping on our bed and hiding under blankets and what not. No amount of puzzle solving or learning games on the computer matches the joy I feel when I see them do that. I had my first computer when I was in graduate school. From that to seeing these kids playing with i-pads at age three, it is taking some adjustment in deciding what's OK and what's not. Hopefully the kids will turn out OK! What do you think?

Do you think about death?

2011-02-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

It is quite amazing always to me how the body and mind adapt to changes how ever grudgingly in the beginning. You can get used to more work or less work just as easily. The inertia that sets in when you get used to a certain routine and feel so reluctant when you have to change it. My father-in-law alternates between living in the US and back home. He came a few days back and it means a lot of changes in my life. Mainly the cooking of full meals every morning and tiffin at night all with less oil and salt. Going from just cooking for the kids in the morning to planning a full meal every night and rush and cook it in the morning takes some getting used to. Sometimes it irks me how nothing changes for the "son" pretty much when he "takes care" of the parent/s but so much changes for the DIL and yet the way it is talked about is "Oh, yeah, he is with his son". Well, I am talking about the average Indian family here, am sure there are many families where this is not the case.

I am very conscious of our duty as a couple towards my father-in-law (as well as to my mother). I feel sad that he has lost his wife. My mother-in-law was a very courageous woman in the real sense of the word. She did not get fazed by difficulties in life. She could handle most things smartly and without getting too stressed about it. I miss her myself. But sometimes when I see my FIL I feel like asking him if he thinks of her, does he miss her or has he gotten used to it? He very rarely he talks about her except may be in some anecdotal way talking about some event. I feel bad when I think of how even me and my siblings talk less and less about my father - we do remember him and talk about him - but that intensity with which we used to talk about him the first year he passed away has gone down. May be because he lived a full life unlike some others I know like my cousin who died of cancer a month after my dad and her son was still in high school. It doesn't feel so bad when you know someone lived a complete life and passed away before it got to a point of suffering and living on with bad health. My cousin's death still does not feel real to me - somehow I never shed a tear over it because honestly I could not feel it being so far away. But I do feel this strange feeling of disbelief, of wanting to talk to her and feeling that pain when I know I cannot talk to her. Tears, no. Sometimes my own reactions to loss surprises me.

So back to my FIL. When I see him go on in the sunset of his life without his life companion and just doing mundane every day tasks from one day to the next, I just wonder what goes on through his mind. And I can't also help but wonder how will it be for us when we grow old? Who will go first and how the other will handle it. I joke to B saying, "Hey, if you dare to go before me, I will kill you!". And I feel worried almost that B too in his characteristic "head on his shoulders" way of dealing with things will just move on and focus on the future but I will be forgotten. OK, don't kill me. I am morbid that way - think a lot about death. In reality though, how can a living human being mourn all the time? Impossible. You just have to move on. Some situations like the death of a child, of course, I can imagine one never ever recovers from that. Especially if it is an only child and they are left alone after that. It happened to B's close friend's parents.

The other day my FIL went to his room after his dinner as he always does to read a book for some time and then go to sleep. I went in to get the kids in bed and when I came out I just peeked in my FIL's room. He had turned the other way and was sound asleep but with the lights on and no book in hand either. I got nervous for a second and tapped him and woke him up just to make sure he was OK. He said he just fell asleep and didn't bother to turn off the lights. Somehow that image of him alone there with the lights on made me feel sad. If we had gone to bed may be he would have noticed only in the middle of the night. It is really not a big deal - yet some images make you feel sad. One of my friends who used to work out furiously said to me "I am just spending my youth preparing for old age". And he wasn't fully joking. And it is true. In some sense if you don't take care of yourself and end up with bad health in old age, it is a very tough life for both yourself and the care takers. Which of course in my old age will be some nurse I am sure!

It is as usual late at night, the only time I can write peacefully. I am a little hungry, tired from a long day and it is late. May be I shouldn't be posting this one and revealing my morbid thoughts to every one. Do any of you ever wonder about these sorts of things?

May I be excused? Not.

2011-02-03T00:22:00.000-08:00

KB had his surgical procedure done the day before yesterday early in the morning. The two moles (atypical neuvi) were scraped off and stitches were put in by the dermatologist surgeon. I had bought KB an Omnitrix
as a reward for cooperating with us to get this done. I figured I might as well give it to him before the surgery rather than after it. It sure came in handy because KB was completely distracted by it and talking about it the morning of the surgery. He talked about it and explained the whole concept of Ben 10 and the different alien forms to the nurses. When the anesthesiologist walked in and was talking to him, he challenged her saying, "I am sure I wont fall asleep no matter how much anesthesia you give me. I have too much energy". She was this tall, supremely confident sounding woman who turned to me and said, "He sure is a talker. I could talk to him for the next four hours!". When it was time for him to be wheeled into the OR, I told KB I would see him in a few minutes. I felt bad conning him like that but I had no choice. I didn't want him to feel the anxiety. I knew a minute after going in, they would give him the general anesthesia.

We took KG along with us to the hospital. Both kids woke up by 5.45 a.m. that day. B got her ready for school at 8.30 a.m. while I was inside with KB. He dropped her at school and came back by 9.30 a.m. I was so sleepy because I had not slept much at all and I had not had anything to drink since the previous night - I just could not get myself to that morning because we were not allowed to give KB anything to drink until after the surgery. B saw me slouched on the waiting room chair and went downstairs to get coffee and Biscotti. Of course, Murphy's law - exactly at that point the surgeon came out to tell me, "KB is up. But he is mad because he is in a new place and he is a little disoriented because the anesthesia is wearing out". I ran in and saw him crying loudly, with IV needles and electrodes for monitoring still stuck on him. He hates to even have band-aid on himself longer than needed. He was hungry, disoriented and angry with the doctors for "troubling him so much". Somehow we managed to sign all the discharge papers and got him into the car seat and started driving when he instantly fell asleep. He slept for a couple of hours after we got home. He had some milk after he woke up though it was lunch time. He had some cereal and then asked to shower. He normally likes to shower first thing in the morning. He was again very upset that he could not shower for a day. I toweled him down with a warm towel and changed his clothes after which he felt OK.

He is recovering slowly now. Walking slowly because there are two sets of stitches in his lower abdomen. He is scared when I touch the bandaged area to apply antibacterial ointment. I sent him to school today. Normally after they have a quick snack during their lunch break (KB has his real lunch at home), they ask the lunch teacher, "May I be excused?" and then they go off to play. Today KB told me, "I won't ask Mrs.X may I be excused, Mamma...I will just sit with a friend and talk because I cannot run". Later in the afternoon when I picked him up I asked him how it went. He said, "Mamma, twice I asked my friend E to sit with me. But he didn't!". I then asked KB, "Were you OK with it?". He said, "Yeah Mamma, I was OK. I just watched the other kids play. And I watched all the ravens". Thank God for a boy who delights in nature and in little children. KB loves to see little children waddling and talking baby language. He loves to see bees trying to get nectar from flowers and watch the gulls fly up in the air and count how many of them are flying. I felt a tug in my heart at the image of my child sitting there alone but I made myself stronger and grow just a little more as a parent. I told him, "KB, I am so happy that you were OK. You don't always need a friend sitting next to you right". He said, "Yeah, I don't always need a friend sitting next to me. I had fun looking at the ravens".

Suture removal in two weeks. Thanks to all of you for your good wishes. Will keep you posted on the progress in two weeks.

Hopeful 2011!

2011-01-13T05:11:00.000-08:00

I had planned out grand posts in my mind to resurrect my idle blog into an active one at the start of the new year. Well, grand posts fade in my head when I sit down to write late at night. "Tomorrow" is the key word that springs to mind. So finally I am giving up on the grand post and just writing something I over heard and brought a smile to my face when KB and KG were talking while they were watching TV.

KG (who is 3.5 now) shouting to me from the living room - Mamma, today I won't "veral chappi" (suck on my thumb) because I don't want bacteria to get into my stomach.

KB (who is 5 yrs 4m now) telling her - No!

KG - Yes!

KB - NO, that's not the problem. If you veral chappi then your teeth will stick out like a Saber tooth tiger!

That's the funny part when these kids talk to each other. He doesn't try to dumb it down for KG because she is younger than him. If he thinks she will look like a Saber tooth tiger, he assumes she knows what such a tiger looks like and says it matter of factly.

Update to the mole situation from my last post. We consulted three dermatologists and all three of them feel it is atypical and it is better we have it removed. It has to be under general anesthesia because of the way KB is - very aware of his surroundings, anxious, sensitive. They said it is better to do it that way than attempt a local shot. It is probably going to take an hour - I am dreading how I am going to convince him to wake up and come with us to the hospital at 6.30 a.m. in the morning. But if the insurance approval comes through, it should get done end of the month. My stomach goes in knots when I think about it but I am trying to calm myself down about it and not think about it until the day of the procedure.

KB is enjoying his Kindergarten and KG is loving her preschool. It is such a joy and a heart break to see them at school. Esp for KB - being amongst the younger ones and being a gentle one, as a parent I am learning to stand back and let him sort things out to the extent I can. His growing pains are mine too. I joke to my friend that I am also now studying Kindergarten!

One second at a time...

2010-09-29T00:08:00.000-07:00

So much happens and time goes by in a flash...so much is going unrecorded which I am not happy about. I do want to write more often for my sake and for my few good friends who care to read and write to me as well.
In a gist:

KB turned five in August and started kindergarten. He seems to be enjoying his new school. For a child who cried for a whole month when he started preschool at age three, it is quite some emotional growth to be able to drop him off in a new classroom for five hours, wave good bye and leave right on the first day. Knock on wood.

KG started preschool. As I expected it was quite the breeze. We took her to her new school - a lovely warm atmosphere with tons of play and pretty much play, song and dance being the main theme there. The teacher had set out small tubs of paint and some paper cut out to paint on. KG sat down to paint and picked her favorite pink color. After a few minutes of hanging out there and taking photos I said bye to KG. She casually said "bye mamma" and continued painting. She did hold my hand a little longer the second week when the novelty wore out but when I told her I would come later to pick her up, she just went off to play outside.

On Sep 4 morning, KB and KG were playing in the house chasing each other. One moment we were all dancing to a music CD. I went into the study room for a minute. I suddenly heard a thud and crying - I ran out to look - KB was holding his left eye and blood was running down. In panic I got him to remove his hand to check if his eye was hurt. Thank God for big mercies the cut was in his left eyebrow. One minute we were planning our outing for that weekend and the next minute we were driving to ER. They had to give him a shot to numb him and then put in four stitches to seal the cut. Five days later, I had to take him to his regular pediatrician to have the sutures removed. It does show but not too badly. Hopefully with time, it will be barely visible.

KB has a birth mark, a good size mole on his lower abdomen area. I had written about the tension I went through in this post. It has resurfaced again. I took KB to his five year physical when I casually mentioned to the pediatrician to take a look at the mole just to be sure it is OK. He asked me if it looked different. I was taken aback - I do keep an eye on it - it didn't look any different to me - but how can I be so sure - I had no measurements. Our pede decided to refer him to a dermatologist to just make sure it was OK. I took KB last afternoon to a dermatologist. The derm takes one quick look and asks me if it looks different. Again I told him it did not "look" different to me but how could I be sure at a clinical level. The derm then casually told me that it looks "abnormal" and that KB needs to go through a procedure where they would give a shot to numb the area and then scrape out the moles (one bigger, the other smaller one). I told him I wanted to think about it and talk to my husband and then make a decision. KB grilled me on the drive back with questions like "Are they going to remove all my birth marks?", "How do they know this one might hurt when I become big?", "Why do they want to remove it if they don't know for sure?", "Did you have your birthmarks removed when you were a kid?"....It was hard to answer all his questions in the mood I was in. But the matter still remains to be dealt with. I have asked our pede for a referral to see another derm for a second opinion. If I pause too long to think about it and let my mind go wild, I feel like there is a stone in my heart. I am just praying it will be something KB and I can stomach and get through and get back home after a procedure to remove it if it comes to that.

I was talking to my sister the other day when she said to me, "we need to just take it one day at a time". I was joking with her saying I only take it one second at a time. Just can't predict what will happen the next moment. These days my feeling is - if I can deal with it and come back home in a couple of hours - that is fine even if I have to go through some level of tension (like the day KB went to ER), anger and disappointment. My prayer more and more is for the health and safety of the kids and of people in general. Rest can be managed. If you are reading this, that is my top wish for you and your family.

Shantha swaroopini - 3

2010-08-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

I was initially thinking I would stop at part 2. But there are a couple of things about her that I forgot to mention that I am sure I would delight in remembering when she is much older. So I had to continue on with this thread.

KG has a way of dealing with anger - both hers and mine. It amazes me when I witness "inherent nature" right in front of me in my two kids. There is only so much nurture can do in shaping a person's personality. When we were in NJ visiting my cousin, KG was constantly climbing up and down the stairs and refusing to come down to what ever it was I was calling her for. When I yelled at her, she just screamed "I want fruit snack and joooooos". A totally irrelevant comment said in a complaining tone. She doesn't know how to respond to my adult way of yelling with a string of words said rapidly, but she deflects it with randomness. She just throws you off and makes you ask "What?". She does this so often - just say something - sometimes funny also - that you just loose that heat of your temper a little bit! KB on the other hand would take my words seriously and respond like a lawyer with an argument addressing exactly what I said in yelling at him!

How can I post about KG's personality without mentioning how she is the biggest fan and biggest "pest" her brother has?! Right from learning her ABC's to learning about dinosaurs and to "inventing" dinosaurs she has learned every bit on her own from just being around her brother. We read to her but I never had to sit with her and show her her letters or numbers. When/how she learned it without going to school I don't know but I think it is totally thanks to her brother. What ever he does, she has to do. If he drops a pencil on the floor by chance, she has to also drop something - if she doesn't have anything in her hand, she will pick one up and drop it just like her brother! If he watches "Scooby-doo" she has to also watch it. She used to watch "Star wars" with him and know all the main characters at age 2.5 when KB was totally crazy about it. She used to pretend to defeat imaginary bad guys with her light saber just like her brother KB. I had to buy her a light saber because KB insisted I do so! And now that he has moved on from "Star wars" to "Scooby-doo", she too has moved on and sings the Scooby-doo title song one that she learned on her own. She sings a big song on "Triceratops" dinosaur from just listening to a "Dinosaurs" music CD in the car because KB catches on to the words of every song and sings along. If she messes up some words, of course, her perfectionist brother argues with her saying, "KG, you know to say three, it is three sharp horns upon it's nose, NOT "gree""! We love her baby talk and if she sings the words wrong, we make no attempt to correct her. But KB doesn't allow that. He was a born thatha, always pronouncing the words correctly! So he doesn't let his sister get away with it if he thinks she is capable of saying some word the correct way. Which by the way KG pronounces as "Kerect" and so both me and husband always say "Oh, yeah, KG, you said it the "kerect" way!".

KG also gets on KB's nerves by breaking toys, tearing pages in books, ripping things apart etc! His "lift the flap" books from when he was a baby - most of the flaps would be totally intact and in good condition. Unless a few tore from over use. But KG on the other hand was not interested in what was under the flap. She was interested in the flap itself. She would try to rip it first. And for a long time, she did not want us to read any books with long sentences. KB used to read 20 page books back to us verbatim at age 2.5. No kidding. KG on the other hand at 2.5 was still absolutely not interested in long story books. Just wanted to look at the pictures and she wanted us to tell her the story in Tamil/English mixed in colloquial style. All of a sudden in the last few months she loves to listen to story books. Thanks to KB she even listens to "Dinosaur encylopedia" and "Magic tree house" books and asks us to tell her Jack & Annie stories. Like her brother she even invents dinosaurs. Though she can't tell us details of its anatomy and diet and location where the fossils were discovered etc like KB does, she still does a pretty good job of making it up. She told me yesterday, "Mamma, I invented a dinosaur. It is called Loxtasaurus. It is like a snake and it is taller than a dinosaur. It eats spiders"!

People including my husband sometimes tease me that I do have a little extra soft spot for KB. It is so hard to explain...I just love them both the same but in different ways. KB, I feel protective of even now because I feel like he needs me more and is more sensitive. KG, I am so grateful to, because she needs me less emotionally but I give my heart to her because she has helped me so much already by just being her. KB had to deal with our stumbling and learning as first time parents. KG benefited from it. With KB we had no yard sticks to compare him to for learning milestones. KG - we compared her to KB but with the ease that comes with second time around, not worrying but just noting the differences. KG enriches both KB's and our lives with her easy temperament. KB makes us feel love, joy, anxiety - all emotions - as intensely as he does. KB's intensity and perfectionist attitude is complemented by KG's carefree and daring attitude. KB is bold and confident when it comes to talking to new people. KG would be shy and take longer to warm up. KB (at age three) made it so difficult for me to leave him in a new preschool. KG is about to start preschool in September. Yet it is KB who I worry about because he is going to start Kindergarten in a Montessori environment which is new to him. They are both so different. But when B asked him yesterday, "KB, are you excited that you will have five days holidays after your summer program ends and your kindergarten starts? You will be home with Mamma?". He said immediately, "Daddy, I am excited because I can play with KG!". Even today if someone asks him what his favorite thing to do is, he would say "Playing with my sister"! On Raksha Bandan day, I pray to the powers that be, "Please, let them be as bonded as they are today and be there for each other always!" and "God hope their spouses get along really well"!

I was going to post photos - instead decided to make it per interest. So if you would like to see the photos I was going to post pertaining to this post, please mail me at wondernoon@gmail and I will send you the link. I still havent' put it up, but will do if any one mails me!

Shantha swaroopini - 2

2010-08-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

KG was three weeks old or so when a friend (a friend's wife who became my good friend also) came to spend a week with us to help me and my mom since my mom is old and also my father had passed away just five months before KG was born. She would sing "Thaaramaiya Ragukula Ramachandiraraa" and other lovely Telugu songs KG would calmly listen...and when she fell asleep she would be left in the little cradle and she would sleep so peacefully. I am now thinking of the first day when she came from the hospital and we let her sleep in that little cradle while I attended to KB who refused to eat unless I fed him myself. He just ignored the new little baby in the cradle for a few hours. And to think of how soon they became bonded - him playing with her tender soft feet while I nursed her, being so gracious and generous in letting me spend time with her...and how she would be entertained by him and became so used to his presence around her at most times. And how far the two of them have come...playing air hockey together like two big kids, while I was cooking this morning. Just twenty two months apart, they are now like buddies. They are so different in personality but are so close to each other and just dote on each other.

We often call KG, Danica, because of her obsession with cars. KG has always loved playing with cars. Not so much the movie "Cars" but actually playing with little cars. She still does it. Every morning after I drop KB at school and come back home with her, she goes to her train, rides it to the family room (which is their play room) and opens up the trunk and pulls out some 10 hot wheels cars and lines them up to make a parking lot or puts them in some fashion that it looks like a traffic jam. She still rides on her train from room to room and does tricks with it like lifting the front of it while sitting on it. She has to park her train in some parking spot in some corner of the house when I call her for something. If I tell her to come have her lunch, she often dodges me saying, "aaahhm...after I play cars for a littu bit"!

KG has a good sense of humor - she makes funny faces or says silly things that make you laugh. For example, we had a visitor who's daughter's name was Maya. That night KG told me, "Mamma, Maya kutti ponnu is a Maiasaura" and started giggling away. While she can do that, she is so different from KB in how she shows her excitement. She will only give a muted smile with her cheeks puffing up when she gets something she likes or finds something exciting. KB on the hand would show more raw emotion be it happiness or sadness.

KG has this playful tradition of "giving me cheek". If I grind my teeth and come rushing to her and hug her and pinch her cheeks, she would say "give me my cheek back" loudly. And if I make a sad face, she will say, "Mamma, I will give you 100 cheeks, not just one OK" and pretend like she is plucking some cheek from her own and stick it on to mine a bunch of times and then tell me "I gave you 100 cheeks mamma".

It would be quite strange if she actually became a CEO some day because of the number of times people have said that about her. Funny because she is actually quite shy by nature and takes longer to warm up than KB. But she is so strong willed and decisive in the way she conducts herself that different people have said "wow, she is a CEO"!. Once we were at the swimming pool when I playing with my friend's son. I playfully asked KG, "shall I give two odhais (spanking) for A?". She immediately gave this very emphatic and clear "Yes". I then asked KG "Why KG, why do you want me to give him odhai?". Her immediate answer was "Because I said yes"! Yes, Maam!

She still has a little bit of baby language left in her. And we try hard to preserve it. For example she somehow started saying "Cindrellella" instead of "Cindrella" . So both me and my husband always only refer to that character as "Cindrellella". Poor baby - she might get teased in preschool for saying it the wrong way.

She is a tigress when it comes to defending her brother. Let some kid come and grab "Anna's" toy...if she hears a semblance of a protest from her brother, she will join in and go and tell that kid, "It is Anna's" and make sure to retrieve it for her brother. For all her ability to take care of herself she seems so giving and generous that it sometimes worries me that she can be taken for a ride by other kids. When we were waiting on the sides at KB's swim class, KG had four cookies in her little snack bag and she had just started eating the first one. A friend's daughter came that side and just gently mentioned that she too wanted those cookies. KG immediately just gave all the three remaining cookies to her in an instant. I didn't even have to ask her to share it with her friend. She sometimes fights with her brother refusing to share her favorite train or cars but even so if he really looks sad, she would immediately give it to him.

More coming...

Shantha Swaroopini

2010-08-05T23:59:00.001-07:00

The title doesn't sound much like the post I have been promising to write - the one about KG. Even to the people who know her casually, the title may not seem apt for a post about KG. But from the people who know her well, it will elicit an approving nod. I am not sure if I somehow imagined her to be that way and hence continue to perceive her as someone with an inner calm and strength ("shantham") ignoring the fact we very often call her "Rakshashi" since she can be that too pretty often. What ever it is, I feel that she has that inner calm and an ability to just be content with herself. I wish I could be like her sometimes. Not in the way that kids in general are able to move on but in the way that you know will be a part of her personality even as an adult.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I assumed it would be a girl. But when the nurse casually mentioned that it was a boy, I was kind of taken aback. What would I do with a boy...I only imagined myself with a girl baby. But once KB arrived, I got used to having a boy. The second time around, I actually didn't mind if it were to be another boy. This time around, I was so happy with KB that I was OK with another boy. When I found out it was going to be a girl, I took it in stride. I was happy I was going to have one of each but it was not like I was over joyed that it was going to be a girl. I would have been OK either way. But the more KG grows up, the more I feel so grateful to have a girl. And of course as her mother, I feel especially blessed to have a girl like KG. And I pray often that my perception of her is right and that she really is able to hold her own and have that quiet strength about her even as an adult.

Being the second child, KG just grew up in a blink. She turned three in June and I feel like it was only yesterday she was born. The first blessing after having struggled so much with KB's sleep issues was that she would sleep on her own from about 2m of age (until about 18m after which she needed us to pat her to sleep but would still not give us a hard time about it). Having gone through sleep issues with KB, I still feel so thankful to KG for making life easier by just being a good sleeper. The other big blessing is that she is not a picky eater like KB. But for her I would have constantly suffered this guilt that it must be me why KB is such a picky eater and is so difficult over all with eating. It felt like the Gods took pity on me when we gave her the first spoon of solids and she just opened her mouth wide (unlike KB's bird mouth habit) and ate her food so quickly. She is always open to trying new foods and when she says "enough" it is really because she is full and doesn't need more food. She was not much into milk- quite the opposite of her brother - but of late she has become more accepting of it. Because of the eating troubles I continue to have with KB, I am so grateful and appreciative of the fact that KG doesn't give me a hard time when it comes to eating. Every single meal, I feel thankful for it.

To be continued....

Cycle of life

2010-06-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

We had gone to two opposite coasts in the last two weeks to attend two different family functions - my nephew's thread ceremony and my older nephew's wedding. It was absolutely wonderful meeting old friends and also meeting all my siblings at both events.

I couldn't help but feel at times like there was a part of me that sort of sat back and observed all that was happening even if I was a participant myself. The introvert in me wanting to just sit back and take it all in. I looked at my nephew as he recited the Gayatri Mantra during the ceremony and I couldn't believe there was a time when I was a student when I used to play ball with him or chase after him and hug him. And there were other kids who were just eight years old when I last saw them ten years back and suddenly they were tall, voice changed and looking so grown up and in college.

At my other nephew's wedding, I couldn't help but wish my father had been present. He would have relished the novelty of it all - the first person in the immediate family to marry a non-Indian, a very creatively done small wedding unlike the big galas we were used to in our family, no priest what so ever - just an old man, a family friend who officiated the wedding...and my father would have been so proud of my handsome nephew in his wedding suit...we all missed him yet no one really said anything to each other - we all just talked and laughed and teased...every now and then I couldn't help but pause and think about how the cycle of life just keeps on moving, stops for none. Every birth feels like a miracle to me each time to see a newborn baby...and yet when I distance myself and look at the relentless cycle of life - a child is born, he grows up and goes to college, gets a job, gets married, has kids...it seems a tad ordinary. The trivialities that form knots in our heads and keep us up at night seem so...futile, irrelevant in the big picture of life. Petty remarks, hurt feelings over small things all seem so pointless in this big picture. And yet it is these atomic details that make the experience of living so real and you just cannot skip over these to the end. When you step back, both the miraculous and mundane seem so beautifully intertwined.

Now for the mundane reality - I am falling asleep on my laptop - I need to stop and go to bed now!

The SAHM debate

2010-05-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

I am off for a couple of weeks visiting family. I have not been posting regularly - but felt like I should say bye to the people who might visit my blog till the end of the month - just to let them know I will be gone for a bit.

I thought my next post will be about KG. That draft is still in my head. Her third birthday is on June 17 - hope to post at least by then - exclusively about KG!

MM's latest post on SAHM is flooding her comments box. Understandably so. When the celebrity blogger (meant positively) writes on the hot topic, people want to pour their heart out in response. And I feel like writing a whole long post in response! No time though. Pretty late in the night as it is.

Different strokes for different folks - that's how I have come to view it now. And to some extent it boils down to what you get used to, what you need to do to raise your children. Some women don't have a choice, they have to work to earn money. Others are blessed with the choice. Neither choice is easy. Being a SAHM mom takes a little more conviction since you are subtly or blatantly looked down often by other working women and even by other SAHMs who have a low opinion of themselves. And if you happen to have educated yourself beyond UG level, forget it, they look down on you like you should be digging a grave for yourself. Like who would educate themselves so much only to "sit" at home! I have so much as heard outbursts like, "What?! WHY would you stay at home?!!" And then politely (not) follow it up with, "well, hats off to you, I couldn't do that".

When I toured preschools for KB when he was 2.5, I saw some little children in the full day day care and I just could not, absolutely could not get myself to do it. A nanny may have been OK provided I had some one at home to just oversee the nanny. Either way I did not want my baby to be spending whole days in a day care or away from me. Part time options would be OK but those jobs are scarce to nil and in my field that would require being in the lab, it is very rare. The money simply didn't make it worthwhile to send two kids to day care or have a nanny at home. I have zero family support here for contingencies and I just did not want to deal with the stress of it all. I felt like some of those children looked so worn out having to wander around in that same room with a whole bunch of other kids and only so much attention paid to them. My friend who has to work to be able to keep up their mortgage etc tells me such stories of how the child looks/feels at the end of the day. My father-in-law lives with us and I have to cook a full meal in the morning and go to drop off and pick up KB - so the mornings are pretty busy. So I do end up not being able to pay attention to KG at those times. But I keep talking to her while cooking and if she needs me to sit with her for a few minutes while she eats her grapes or comes to feed me her toy food, I am right there. Yes, I am not able to give her my 100% at all times even as a SAHM, but I am there for her when she needs me. And she can hang loose and be a child and not have to follow strict rules all the time. And if she is sleepy at 11.00 a.m. instead of at 2.00 p.m. on some days, she can sleep in a cozy bed with her favorite music playing in the room. I do feel upset and sad at times when I think of how my career didn't take off and may never really, but I don't see a better choice. I am glad I am able to do this and that my husband is able to support us in this choice. I want to be able to cherish these childhood years with them. The only real negative and very real one I see to this choice is what if...I shudder to even complete that sentence. In this economy it is a huge risk. I don't know how to get around that.

I see some working women who finally quit their jobs because the stress was too much. I only hear them say how much their children love the fact that they are not constantly rushed or that they don't have to spend the whole day away from home. And yet I find some of them so defensive of their SAHM status.

Women do it to each other. The viciousness with which they attack each other is so shocking that you wonder if they ever got past second grade. I just don't see why both sides can't just try and understand why certain choices were made and stop themselves from spewing out nonsensical comments and hurt each other. If someone is ambitious and really cannot see themselves not working, so be it. If someone wants to take a few years off and only have a low key career and be there more for the children, so be it too. It is only that woman and her family who have to deal with those choices. What is it to any one else?! You can have your own strong opinions on the topic but why attack an individual who is not asking anything of you in the process? One woman asked me with this self righteous tone, "Soow, do you plan to start looking for jobs?". I wonder how she would have felt if in that same tone I had asked, "Soo, do you have any plan of quitting your job?".

I do see merit to working - but sometimes the work/life balance just doesn't happen and you have to find ways to balance it. In the process, you do loose the confidence that took years to gain during the process of educating yourself. And you do get older and loose out in that sense too. But there is always plenty of need for volunteers in so many fields and eventually one of those will lead to some kind of job that might both be meaningful and give room for raising kids. You make the choices that will keep the family intact and allow you to keep your sanity. And in the end you do hope you have done the best for your children and your family.

OK blog pals, will see you in two weeks! Absolutely no time to even read what I have written here let alone edit it. Forgive the typos and ramblings! Wish us a safe trip!

I just read about the killings of KG children in China. My heart just bleeds for the children and their parents. What is the world coming to? We watch "Criminal minds" and think this can happen only in TV shows. But the news each day is so gut wrenching that if you stop to think about it, it is hard to even get out of the house. Anyway - sadly, I am thinking now about how I have to pack for my trip tomorrow! Life goes on.

When imagination runs wild!

2010-02-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

I keep telling myself that a)I should post more often no matter who reads it, at least I can read it at some point. b) I should write about KG more often.

I have done neither. And sorry, this is yet another post about KB (Kutti boy no more - he turned 4.5 this month and he was super excited about it). Shoot me!

OK, I promise, once I am done with this post (in two parts), the next one will be about KG. A Mama-Mia style post about KG.

Back to my KB post. I can't remember what the context was, but KB once argued with me "How come that is possible?" and I said "Well, it's OK, anything is possible in your imagination". That seems to have been ingrained in his mind. That and of course the fact that he is 4.5 now and is full of imaginary scenarios and full of questions.

If I read a book about the human body, he has to "invent" a bone or a muscle. If I read a book on dinosaurs, he has to "invent" a dinosaur. Stories - of course - he loves stories so much - he "invents" so many of them. The other day, finally I decided to pick up any random thing I found and just write a few of the things he has invented! He sat down like a guru in his little "Elmo couch" while I picked up my 2009 diary and sat on the floor while he listed his "inventions" for me to jot down! These are exact descriptions as he gave it to me that I wrote down in my diary. It was quite the funny scene. Here are some of them for your/my amusement!

Did you know

1) Igla - is the name of the "Thumb bone"? And "Obstrator" is the bone that helps you move your arm?

2) Nascapulae - is a muscle in the stomach that drains bath water when it goes down the throat (while daddy puts soap water on KB's face).

3) Inzotek - a machine invented by KB (picture drawing will be posted later) - that can do lots of things. It can make a dinosaur alive if you put dinosaur DNA into it.

4) Chanberian Cheetah - It is a new kind of Cheetah. It roars loudly. It is faster than the well known Cheetahs and it lives in South America. It could eat people by running very fast behind them.

5) Salonthologist - is a person who studies these Chanberian Cheetahs.

6) Saber toothed snake - It has little black stripes and it is half orange and half yellow and it coule stick out its tongue very long. It has fangs that is the shape of a saber tooth.

7) Dezmiradasaurus - It lived in the Triassic period because it was one of the oldest dinosaurs ever. It was 40 tons in weight and 80 feet tall. It is so big, it can even butt all other dinosaurs. It has studs, spikes and horns and a club in its tail. it has very strong bones and then it had knife teeth.

8) Gerbivore - the Dezmiradasaurus was a gerbivore - it eats everything - water, leaves, meat, bushes, sand, rocks, mud.

9) Hupplegut - this is my most favorite one of his "inventions". Hupplegut is a kind of fruit that has vitamin A, B,C, D, E, and K and it has lots of all these vitamins. It is crunchy like a carrot. It is green on the outside and white on the inside.

I will write a separate post on his story and super hero inventions!

Good night, sweet dreams....

2009-12-20T23:26:00.000-08:00

I think back to the times when KB was an infant and I am amazed how I used to spend so much time singing to him to get him to sleep and gently let him in the crib holding my breath and praying he won't wake up in the process. He was a restless sleeper (and still is) and would wake up in the middle of the night for his feeds. After nursing KB, I would hand him over to B who would sweetly let me go to sleep while he took care of getting KB to sleep. B would sit in our computer chair and put his feet on the edge of our bed and hold him in his two hands with the head resting on his palms. He would gently rock him from side to side and whistle so many nice tunes that I too used to enjoy listening to in my half asleep state.

And then when KB was old enough to move to the toddler bed, we somehow moved to the story tradition. Which is still continuing except the stories are very elaborate and KB is an active participant in the story, making up Dinosaurs and character names! KG was different as an infant - I am ever grateful to her for being an easy sleeper at least the first 18m (and to some extent even now). I just had to turn the music on and leave her in her crib during bed time and she would go to sleep on her own if it was her bed time. And then suddenly when she turned 18m, that changed and she expected us to make her sleep. Accepting that was a little difficult for us since we got so spoilt by then. We slowly started moving her bed time to the same as KB's (she used to sleep an hour before him) just so we could all spend time together. She didn't demand much other than our presence so the stories for KB continued on while KG just drifted to sleep.

Now our bed time routines for the children take a good fifteen minutes. We usually read to them while giving them dinner and later in the living room. Somehow we have not had a "bed time" reading habit for them. They come into the bed room and first KG has her teeth brushed. But she only lets us brush her teeth after she has brushed it herself. In the meanwhile, I give KB his night clothes and then it is his turn to brush his teeth. He goes on and on brushing and finally comes to bed. I tuck them both in and then change into my night clothes. Then comes the fun part for all of us.

I give KG a tight crush hug and tell her "I love you" a few times and then give her a "helicopter kiss" or an "airplane kiss" or a "Kitty cat kiss" or any other animal requested by her. As soon as I give it, she says "helicopter kiss, I said it first". And then KB from his new "Spider man twin bed", would say "Mamma, I want a helicopter kiss first". Some days there are no protests. I then say "good night, sweet dreams, happy thoughts" to KG and she repeats it to me. She then says "You be (awake in the) long (winter) night", a line she learned from her brother. He said it by chance one night in our old house when he was going upstairs to sleep and from then on it stuck. Both kids say it to me every night. I then do the whole routine with KB. Except with him after I wish him sweet dreams and happy thoughts, I ask him "What are your happy thoughts today?" and then we come up with a quick bullet point summary of all the fun things that he did that day. Today for example, it was "M's birthday party, toy story tee shirt from mamma, ride on the giant wheel and carousel, eating at Baja fresh, his favorite place for cheese quesedillas". I then ask him "So will you sleep happy tonight" and he says "Yeah" and then says, "you be awake in the long winter night" and then I leave the room while B stays on to tell a story for KB. I tell KB his nap time story and B tells him his bedtime story.

Our night time sleep routine for the kids just fills me with joy. It is one of the best times of each day for me - hugging them tight and making them feel snug and warm under their blankets and making them feel secure in our love and thinking of all the happy things that happened that day. It just feels like family, those moments. B just waits patiently and when I am done with all the fuss, KG just says "Kitvaa pannanum" (I want to come closer (kitta vaa)). She goes and sticks to B's back and turns the other way and goes to sleep while he faces KB's bed and tells KB his night time story. Later when we go to bed, we move KG to her toddler bed from our bed. Of course there are nights when it is not so pleasant when either kid is sick or when KB wakes up with bad dreams. But when things are normal, those moments are blissful. I wonder how long this particular night time tradition will continue...may be 2 or 3 more years until they grow up and don't need so much fuss from me?

Play play play!

2009-11-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

I am really pushing myself to write this post. Every night I think of writing a post, but I just feel lazy when I get to the laptop and I just read news/emails and some blog posts if I happen to blog hop (I have not yet started using google reader). There is so much I miss out by not posting - first of, the wonderful feeling of reading a few comments from blog pals and feeling that connection. And that feeling of reliving some nice moments. There are things I wish I had written about so I can go back to it now and remember what KB did when he was two or three years old. I told myself that I will just at the least write about how our weekend was since it was the kind that I most enjoy - unplanned, spontaneous, really low-key, relaxed and totally fun.

KB has started attending Bal Vihar classes on Sunday mornings. I should write a separate post on that topic since I had many arguments with B about sending KB to Bal Vihar classes. The class meets from 11.30 a.m. to 1.00 p.m. B did not like the idea of a block of time taken up like that every Sunday. Anyway - since he is attending those classes now, that leaves only Saturday entirely free for us to do whatever we want to. Since my FIL is in India now, I don't even need to be home for cooking meals on time. We just pack the kids lunch and go where ever we want and come back around 3.00 pm for their nap. I always feel this pressure on Saturday mornings though to make sure that our precious Saturday doesn't get wasted in mundane chores like waiting at the bank or me going grocery shopping. Some Saturdays we manage to make the most of it, some Saturdays, it does go in things like those - which is fine, but a little dull in my opinion.

So last Saturday (Nov.7), I woke up and was reading the newspaper and having my morning tea. Back of my mind, I was also thinking about where to take the kids. All fun on Saturdays is only kid-centric. A new children's museum has opened up in our city and I thought may be we could take them there. A friend of mine was planning to take her kids on a train ride in the local regional park, so I was wondering if we should join them there. Suddenly, I thought of our local zoo where I purchased a family membership. It only takes an hour or so to cover the entire zoo which includes a petting zoo. And they have a wonderful play area which is shaded and is very lively since kids who come to the zoo are always stopping there before heading back home. I had taken the kids to this zoo a few times on my own (with friends, but without B) but I thought it might be fun for the kids to go with Dad. So finally I had a plan for the day.

We left home at 11.00 a.m. and went to the zoo. I was surprised to see so many cars parked there just an hour after it opened. But thankfully it didn't feel too crowded inside. We went inside and looked around at the various animals and birds. Highlight each time of course are the Gibbon swinging monkeys. They make these wacky sounds loudly and are swinging across tree branches like Tarzan - the kids just love it. The Guanaco, from the Llama family is of course another favorite for them. We have been to this zoo so often that now KB especially talks about these animals with such familiarity. "Hey, look at that gliding turtle" he says with much familiarity when we finally spot it in a swamp. We then took the train ride around the zoo and then the kids did their customary carousel ride - KB chose the big eagle and KG the tiger (calling it Sher Khan since they are such big fans of Jungle Book). Then of course came the drudgery that KB had to endure if he were to be allowed to play in the play area. Lunch! He tried bargaining with me, but I put my foot down and said, he had to eat lunch before going to the play area. So he managed to finish 3/4th of his lunch and then begged me with his usual "Porumaa?" (can I stop now?). They then played for more than an hour in the play area. KB decided to name that play area and called it "Channing park". There was a little boy, may be four or five years old, who adamantly blocked the way when KG was trying to go through the steps leading to the slide. She first looked puzzled and then looked up at the boy and said "MOVE"! It is kind of cute to see a little girl not even realize that the boy was trying to intimidate her. She just stood there waiting for him to move. He stood his ground though and refused to move no matter how many times she told him to. Finally I had to go tell the boy "Move, please?" in a rather stern voice. Only then he moved. God save our gentle kids in school as they grow up.

Finally, we got back home around 2.30 p.m. The kids went to nap. B and I had our lunch, followed by tea. Within half an hour KB woke up. In the meanwhile, my friend said she would be coming with her two sons to the big park near our place. KB was thrilled when I told him I would take him there if he wanted to join them. So after just an hour and half or so at home, we were again out at the park. KB wore the tiger mask I had bought for him at the zoo and startled his friend when he met him at the park. KB decided that they were going to be "people rescuers" (from Diego) that rescue people from the giant. The bright red, tall and curvy slide he said was the beanstalk. KB said he found the key and unlocked the magic harp and defeated the giant when he went up the slide (walking the wrong way up!). They played on and on going on the castle like structure and defeated several more giants with their super hero tactics. With the day light savings time now, it gets dark very early. By 5.15 or so, it was pretty dark. But there were some kids in the park and as always we don't leave until most people have left! Now the kids decided on some sand play. All the monkeys climbed on top of the sand tunnels and made sand mountains and what not. The weather was cool and there was some lighting in the park. It just felt good to see the kids just play on and on without any worries.

After an eternity at the park, we finally got home around 7.00 p.m. I quickly made their dinner and they ate around 8.00 p.m. B had to go buy milk since we were running out. I had to entertain both kids, so we decided to play hide and seek. KG of course kept giving away our hiding place by running with me and saying "Mamma" and looking at me when we were ducking behind the bed. I had bought a tub of vinyl Dinosaurs for KB at the zoo. He is so into Dinosaurs now that we pretend to be different Dinosaurs at different times. We played the Dinosaur tickle attack game where I would hide outside the room and then after a moment of silence suddenly spring into the room screaming "The Barosaurus is coming" and with my hand pretend to have a long neck and come and tickle the hyper excited screaming kids to the end of the bed. And for KG's sake we played the Dino counting game where the three of us just screamed ONE, TWO, THREE together while counting the tub of Dinosaurs. There was so much laughter in that room when B walked in, I told him that he had to come right away into the room and to join us.

It was a day full of childish pleasures from simple games and things. Just filled my heart with joy. I did not have time to think about much else and we just lived in the moment and I felt like I was also four years old when playing with my kids! KB told his dad this morning, "Dad, you know, some bad people killed the Tamarin monkeys and now there are only 400 Tamarin monkeys left (in the wild, which he did not say)". KB went to school this morning and told his teacher, "I went to the zoo. You know what my favorite animal is? The swinging monkey. It sat on a branch and ate leaves. You know, if you upset the Guanaco, it will spit on you". His teacher, who is amazingly sweet and wonderful with kids said, "eww...hair gel for me?".
Later, she was asking the kids to say some word in the letter their names begin with and KB said "Herrerasaurus" since his name begins with a "H". It was as if the weekend of animals, park, dinosaurs, sand play etc was still in his head and he was barely getting out of the weekend mode!

I met an Indian woman at the park on a day when KB did not have school. She asked me how old he was and I told her he had turned four in August. She immediately said to me, "Oh, he is four. Why don't you put him in the Abacus class (for Math)? My daughter has been going there, it is really good". She meant well, I did not take offense to her. I do get nervous when I talk to such parents that I have not enrolled KB in any kind of academic class and he only goes to half a day school, that too not a Montessori school. But when I think of days like last Saturday, I feel like my heart is full - that feeling of just giving him the time to just be, to enjoy life's simple pleasures in a way that only a child can...he was learning in his own way that day too. It was not academic in a rigorous way but he was enjoying it fully. We have read so many books that he learned phonics on his own and is able to read simple books just from that even if he didn't attend any phonics classes. He does simple mental math while playing "Bear's birthday party" with made up stories of how many bears would be in the room if four more bears joined the party etc etc doing mental addition in the process. I feel at ease "teaching" him this way rather than in a more rigorous way through classes. B sometimes feel we are being "too" relaxed and we should remember that he will be competing against the hard core Indian and Chinese kids who are always pushed to be one or two grades higher than their age level. I tell myself that I will also try to be more of an academic mom but when the clock shows 3.45 p.m. and I know there is only an hour of day light left, I still find myself rushing to get the kids ready to go to the park rather than stay home and do some activity books. And when we get back, it is time to cook dinner, feed them etc, so it leaves us only half an hour or so to do "work" before his bed time. If he brings his "Frog and toad" book and wants dad to read to him, we just say OK rather than force him to sit and write his numbers. I just hope "going with the flow" is also an accepted method of parenting that will work out OK in the end.

For now, I am glad I wrote about a day filled with play and more play that I can read about when KB is slogging away at his homework, studying for his SAT's after a quick shower and dinner when he gets back from his soccer game, finishing the science project report and practicing the piano for his upcoming concert and emailing the volunteer coordinator while checking the score for the NFL game! :) Enjoy it now, you little giant defeater, for the pressures of adulthood wait for you as you go up that beanstalk!

Single word story!

2009-08-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

I was feeding KG her lunch a couple of days back when KB was quietly doing something in the family room. I thought he was packing a gift for someone - a new fad he has going now. A few minutes later, he brought his doodle pro to me and asked me to pronounce the word he had written. I said "PCOFT" and pronounced it as "Pick koft". He said to me, "Mamma, that is a story I wrote". I said, "how is that a story?". He proceeded to enlighten me.

"Mamma, this is the story about a little boy named Pick". One day, he started coughing a lot. (He added in Tamil, "Gollu Gollu'nu cough pannithu, mamma". Then his mom took him to the doctor. He had bronchitis. So his mom went to "Reftan" (his own imaginary pharmacy) pharmacy and gave them a prescription for "Prednisone". Mamma, Reftan pharmacy has both squiggly balloon and medicines. The little boy took Prednisone - he took two teaspoons a day and then he was better. That is the story Mamma!

Wow - all that in one word "PCOFT
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Today he wrote another word "TFGCH" on his doodle pro.

He said to me "This is the story of a little boy named Tiff. He is four years old. He has a little sister named "Gich". She is two years old. And they are still friends".

That's it. That's the story behind "TFGCH". :)
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Since the time I wrote this post in my drafts section, he has written down many such random words and come up with little stories around these random letter words. Some very detailed, some very short ones. I guess it is the age of twittering, so why not one word stories! :)

When the baby bird learns to fly!

2009-08-18T23:51:00.000-07:00

I just read this post by Mniamma. I especially enjoyed reading this line about her 8 month old daughter.

She also crossed over the main door threshold to wave ‘bye’ to M and N and I promptly made payasam to celebrate the occasion.

When KB was a few months old, may be three months old, I don't remember what milestone it was - but when I told my MIL about it, she asked me if I made some sweet to celebrate it. Somehow that was the first time I became aware of that tradition or rather paid attention to it. I am sure I had heard of it before but somehow I had not thought about it. I just love that tradition of making a sweet to celebrate little milestones like a baby's rolling over or crawling or taking the first step.

By that count, I feel almost like making some sweet myself and celebrating what to me is a huge milestone - if not for KB, for me as his mother! KB has been a rather stubborn, strong willed, sensitive child. The tamil phrase "Amma Kondu" is made for him. As the director of the first preschool he went to said to me, he clearly knows what he wants, he is not afraid or shy, he is mad at you for leaving him and going home, he is very articulate, he knows his mind and cannot be distracted. Now with a child like that, it has been hard to just leave him with any one or at drop off programs. He got used to one school last year and I stuck to that school all of last year because he was used to that place and I did want to traumatize him with changes. This year I started him off in a new school beginning of this month and after a minute of crying, he just calmed down and has been enjoying himself. But I had prepped him for it by taking him to that school three times and staying there with him for an hour.

Anyway - back to why I want to make payasam today! I enrolled him in an art class and this class meets every Tuesday for two hours. It is a drop off class and parent participation is not required. I casually asked KB last night if I can just drop him off and come back home with KG and pick him up at 12.00 pm. He too casually said, "Yeah".
"Yeah?" I said.

"Yeah yeah yeah", KB said confidently.

I thought to myself, well, he is just saying it. Am sure when I get there, he will probably start crying. Although a part of me felt that he was sounding quite sure of it. This morning, I drove him to class and filled out the emergency contact information. While I was filling it out, he was already in his spot in the class and he said to me, "Nee po Mamma" (you go mamma). I told him I would leave after filling out the form and wondered if he would cry if he saw me leave. I went and gave him a hug to make sure he knew I was leaving and I told him to be good and that I would see him at 12.00 pm. He said O.K but he continued to focus on the stencil he was working with then. I left the place along with KG.

I kept checking my cell phone to see if the teacher was calling me saying he was crying. I visited a friend for half an hour and came back and hung out by the lake behind the classroom. I could not believe it - KB did not cry at all and was having a good time. This is a class room he has never been to, it looked pretty serious (not so kiddish) - with tables and chairs and kids silently working on their art work without too much noise...the teacher was new and I just left him there and drove out of the place. And he was still fine! For those of you who know KB, I am sure you can feel my joy. Even his going to the new school was not as eventful as this one was to me. My little baby boy who has such a hard time being away from me other than at his preschool managed to stay in a new place on his own and enjoyed himself! KNOCK ON WOOD!
Mniamma, if I don't make payasam this week, you should send me a e-kick! :)

Kutti boy a big boy!

2009-08-13T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have had so many little posts in my head but did not sit down to write any of them. I suppose like marriage you first are so excited when you start a blog...you think of what to write, feverishly read those scant comments that are left for your post, you get excited, disappointed, you then reposition yourself and settle more comfortably in that space...make new blog pals and get so comfortable with them that you don't really keep in touch with them...and the excitement of those initial posts is replaced by this feeling of familiarity and liberty. Counting on those few loyal blog pals to read you even if you post infrequently!

Am digressing. I figured I should write a short post at least because recently in my email exchange with Tara, I realized I had not even clearly written about how KB has healed after his cast was removed on Apr.20.09 after nearly seven weeks of his left arm being in one. It was not a pleasant time for me to see him that way but I also found it to be a different kind of experience in parenting. Where you learn to cope with the hardest part of it - that of bearing your child's pain with grace. He was not in pain but to see this child know his own limits as to what he can or cannot do, to know that he cannot go to the park unless he was just going to walk around...it was heart breaking if I paused to think about it. What carried me through was the only thought that it was a finite time and I should be mighty grateful for that - many people have it much much worse. And I pray to God that even if he were to put me (us) through difficult situations, it should be ones I can come out of and move on with life.

So much has happened in the last three months. KB's arm seems to have healed well, thank god. I still feel nervous when I see him run very fast on concrete areas in the park or jump from raised structures - but I try hard to not focus on it. We moved to a single level home with a nice yard and the kids are loving it. Just as I thought to myself, oh what a nice feeling to see the kids playing happily in the yard at the back hours on end, a friend told me a few days back that her house was burgled. That has left me nervous since she lives a couple of miles from my place. And this is supposed to be one of the safest places in the nation. Prayers again.

KG turned two in June and KB turned four in Aug. I can hardly believe it when I see the two kids sitting very close to each other, sometimes with KB leaning on KB while they watch "Free Willy". I need to write a separate post on their developing personalities. Polar opposites many ways. We had a party for them in a reserved picnic shelter at a beautiful park earlier in the month and it was a lot of fun. We had a puppet show for the kids which was a super hit. They all played ball and ran around on the field after the cake cutting. A couple of friends who I really hoped would come could not make it - other than that it was satisfying for me. The best part was that my mother was here with us the last two months and so she was there for the party. The kids just lovvved having Patti around. She taught them old tamil rhymes like "Maangai thalai murugan" which are utterly charming and cute. She left just two days back and I am sorely missing her presence at home. She was so good with the kids that I really feel bad for them.

KB started pre-K in a new school since the beginning of August. He got into another school close to my place after having been in their wait list for a long time. But KB chose to go to this other school instead. So I decided to go with his wishes. I am so glad we chose this current school. The teachers are absolutely wonderful and nurturing. They give the kids so much space to play and run and be kids and yet manage to also teach them things. It was one of the few schools that let me bring KB for three classes before enrolling there just so he can get used to the place with me around. The first day KB cried a little but calmed down soon after I left apparently. When I went to pick him up, he was leaning very comfortably on the bean bag and talking to his teacher and his classmates! So far so good. Praying that the teachers should continue here the whole year and KB should have a positive experience overall.

I leave you with a couple of pictures of gentle KB who is turning into a "Rettai val" (mischievous)as he turned four and that of free spirited KG who we call "Ragalai".

Feel good day!

2009-07-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Some days are just feel good days. Well, I know tomorrow I will probably be crying over some random thing or the other - hope the spirits don't hear me say this - but today has been a feel good day. KB has started swim lessons and this morning he was really enjoying the class. I felt happy about that.

Finally I actually got to meet a blogger face to face! And it was such a nice meeting. Met with Kodi's mom at my place for a few hours. Best part was seeing how well the kids especially KB and Kodi got along. They were both so amused with their own silly number jokes and seemed to really get each other and laugh over nothing! Kodi has such a sweet, down to earth temperament and she was so warm and pleasant - it was really nice seeing them all at our place. Every time she actually called Kodi "kuttimeow", I couldn't believe that I was actually physically seeing him. KB calls him his "new friend" and after got home from the park he said, " I wish Kodi Aunty would move here, so I can play silly number games with my friend every day". Plane papa has the most adorable eyes and soft chubby cheeks. All that was missing between him and Kodi's mom was super glue! He would not let her go out of sight. KB was just that way when he was one year old! I didn't have much time to think about our meeting before it happened - but when ever I did think about it - I was wondering how it would feel to actually meet a blogger in person. And wondered if my blog image will seem so different to them when they see me in person etc etc...But with Kodi's mom, it was so easy to settle into conversation and feel at ease. My mother too got to meet her and in her typical style she said later, "Romba nalla madhiriya irukkale andha ponnu" (she seems like a nice type!). So that was feel good #2.

Feel good #3 - KB has been on the brink of reading books on his own. He keeps asking me for spellings of words and I would just get him started and he would continue on with the sounds and spell it on his own with some help from me for words like "light" but totally on his own for simple words like "car". I don't know why - but I have sort of been waiting for this moment - more than I did even for his first steps. To be there when he reads a little book all on his own. We had decided this morning that after dinner we would go to his play room and he would read a book from the "Bob books" collection on his own. And he did! It was such an exciting feeling for me. And I could see it in the tone of his voice that he too felt so good that he could read it all by himself. I would have felt this good even if he had read a book on his own a year later. But it was that feeling of a huge world opening up for him that made me feel so good. God please keep him safe and healthy! The day KB fell down and fractured his elbow (on Feb.24.09), I had taken him to a home based montessori and KB seemed to like it - so Idecided to give it a shot. And when I talked to my sister that night, I told her that I was feeling so giddy with excitement about KB joining a new school. And that very night, he fell and fractured his elbow and couldn't go to any school, not even the one he was going to then for two weeks. Since then, I can't help but feel this knot in my stomach even when I get excited about anything regarding him.

KB turns four on Aug.3.09 and I am planning to have a party for both KB and KG together. I am planning to surprise him by inviting his teacher from a dance and music class that he took last year. She will organize some games/dance etc at the party. Even while I wrote to this teacher about timings for the party, I was feeling so excited at the thought of KB feeling happy and excited when he sees her. And I go through that same knot in the tummy kind of feeling that am being happy and what if it gets jinxed and KB gets hurts etc. Anyway it was overall a nice day!

Fantasy world!

2009-07-02T23:15:00.000-07:00

I had written long time back about how KB and I have this tradition of coming up with story titles, taking turns each night. Either me or his dad have to then come up with some made up story based on that title. The next morning KB usually tells me the story.

In the process we realized how fantastic children's imagination at this stage (he will be four in Aug) can be. The kinds of names KB comes up with for the characters in his stories! These are either animal stories or people stories. Some of the names he comes up with makes me think he has been secretly reading Tolkein or C.S.Lewis. Before I fall asleep on the keyboard I will quickly write down some of the names he gives to characters (it always involves a boy and his little sister or just two brothers) stories. He comes up with these names as we start telling the story. Funnily enough, he also tells me how old they are and the little girl is always two but the boy's age varies between 4 and 8.

I usually start off saying, "Once there was a little boy and his name was" and then KB says, "let me think" and in a couple of seconds comes up with some random name. Only in the last one week I have remembered to actually write them down. I felt really guilty that he has been coming up with these really exotic names for his story characters and I don't remember any of them. So I wrote down some of them. Here are some for your amusement!

The cricket story :
Vrittan - age 7
Gernik - age 2

The little girl who was mischievous:
Vurukerak - age 7
Juveliar - age 2

The little boy who wants to be an orthopedist:
Aver - age 6
Dr.Rake

The little boy who tells time correctly:
Joar - age 5
Ribi - age 2

The little girl gets a time out: (I think this was the title)
Kittrank - age6
Keedle - age 2
Velk - Mom
Zon - Dad
Ms.Dank - teacher

The blue whale and the sea turtle:
Kraker - age 5
Halle - age 2

The frog and the goat:
Daquiri - age 5
Lavel - age 2
Relaver - Uncle

As is this wasn't enough for him every day, he has told my mom that he is going to give her 100,000 names. He doesn't know what that number really means - but every now and then he walks by paati and says "Paati, your name is Zeel". And my mom will say to him "Seal". He then says, "Seal ille paati, Zeel...Z - Zebra'le varume". And then she has to correct herself and say "Zeel".

We went to Seaworld last weekend and bought him a little dolphin and KG a little whale. As soon as we got home he went on to name the dolphin and KG's whale as
"Wuruke" and "Zam" respectively.

I better stop - I am falling asleep on the computer!

Moved and mostly settled in...

2009-06-20T00:50:00.000-07:00

We moved houses on Sunday, May.31.09. The kind of stuff that you only want to think back on and not want to go through again in the near future. Painful as it is, somehow I find moves very refreshing once I finish moving and settling in. There is something fundamentally different when you actually live in a different house and it feels as if there is something to look forward to in getting used to the new place, new neighborhood etc. I went through the usual feeling of "I wish I didn't have to move from a place that I am so used to now". I had that fear or discomfort of the unknown...even in something as simple as going for a walk and not knowing who you will see or feeling unfamiliar even with the names of the streets. It is June 20 now and I can't believe it has already been twenty days since we moved in. I feel happy to be here more than I thought I would be.

In a strange way, I went through (as most people probably do during moves) a introspective experience during the process of packing and unpacking. A feeling of suffocation and disgust at the amount of things we accumulate...wanting to just dump everything and live in such a way that I would know exactly what we have in every box and not have anything that I don't use every day. But after we finished moving to the new place and I started unpacking, it was a warm feeling of contentment in putting things in place and turning the bare rooms into a home. Putting up pictures, little paintings by KB, magnets from places we have been to...The opposing feelings that you go through in the process of opening boxes you had not looked at in years...like when I see old letters and wonder why I save them when in fact I only look at them during moves. But it is those few minutes when you discover unexpected things that you go through the nostalgia of days gone by...it feels good. And yet I wish I could throw some of those away because it feels like a life lived in some other birth. Friends who I have lost touch with, friends who I only want to remember fondly but don't want to really get in touch with - because deep down I feel we have drifted in our paths in life...it brings with it a certain sadness as well.

An example. I opened a wedding invitation from an old friend from the time I was working. I was staying in a dorm room at that time and I just bumped into him at the lounge when I went in to check out the piano there. He was an American who happened to play a hindi song on the violin at that time. And that's how we got talking. We became very good friends. Now we have completely lost touch for no real reason. He is now a successful physician, married (he used to talk about his dates with her when they first got to know each other) with two kids, and I am a sahm. We have shared so much as friends and yet I really don't feel like it would mean much to even get back in touch. We have laughed so much and discussed so much about different topics - it brings back such good memories. It's all Maya - B likes to tease me when I worry about some things. In some ways looking at some of these old letters from friends somehow made me think of that - Maya. It all seems so ephemeral and fleeting. However, there is the slow reality to contend with. Duties to be performed no matter how fleeting everything is in the big picture. I look at my aging mother now and I think to myself that this is who raised me and toiled with me when I refused to eat, who trained me to eat, sleep, go to school. Now this is her reality - a life without my father, her pace slowing down and her belongings that can fit into suitcases while she travels around to spend time with each of us. She too lived in a large home with a million things - large Godrej bureau, furniture, bedding, couches, kitchen utensils, jewellery, car, books, "golu" bommais, and million other things that made up her home. The cycle of life. As I build our home, even if it is a rental home, it is still a wonderful feeling to have a place to call home. But I am afraid sometimes to even pause on that thought...what if...we are all so dependent on each other that without the four of us there is no home now. I immediately pray for every one to be healthy and safe. A friend recently lost her brother in a swimming accident and soon after that I read this news. As I hear my friend talk about how she saw her brother physically healthy just a few minutes before he drowned and passed away, I wonder how one ever comes to terms with something like that. My heart feels full in the quietness of the night as I hear the soft music playing in our room where B and the kids are asleep...and yet I realize I am merely going through the motions of life that my mother too went through even if not in exactly the same ways and my children will soon grow up and the cycle of life will continue and one has to be ready for its idiosyncrasies and one never knows what life will throw at you at any point...

That was a long "stream of consciousness" kind of post! If you manage to get to the end of this post, do let me know (or better still write a post about it) about your experiences and feelings while moving.

BTW - KG turned two on June 17, we had a little cake thing for her at home. Plan to have a party for her along with KB's in August. Will post a couple of pics later.

Get me to write!

2009-05-28T23:34:00.000-07:00

Oh God - please someone make me write again! I so badly want to - but every night I am either too tired or too lazy to log in and write a new post! I so badly want to write stuff so I remember at least a few snippets later.

Is any one still reading me? I know, Aryan you are, since your comment is new! Good to see you back!

Sorry folks - for those who bothered to check - for not writing any new posts! So much happening. Not that that is an excuse!

Let me give a quick update.

- KB's cast is off (was removed on Apr 14). We went on a trip to my brother's place for four days - soon after got back from that trip, the cast was off. He seems to have healed well based on the X-ray and the range of movement - thank heavens. Knock on wood. Anti jinx etc etc! :) KB who was crying school and had me really worried that he was regressing just magically stopped the day his cast was off. I felt really bad for even trying to get him to go to school when he probably felt insecure deep down because his hand was in a cast.

- KG is wild as ever - loves to jump even while walking. Just jumps and hops instead of walking even at home. And the stairs are her favorite. Well, after KB's fall, I became more paranoid and could not handle the stress of the two kids chasing each other up and down the stairs inside the house. I knew that once my mother or my FIL come to stay with us, I would have to cook a lot more and I was afraid I would let the oil burn if I heard one of the kids fall! So I decided that we should move to a single level rental home.

- I have been busy house hunting. Finally found a place, carpeted, with a nice backyard and fairly spacious as well. But it is older than the house we are in - so takes some getting used to - older looking fixtures in terms of style. Although newly painted and in a neighborhood with a good elementary school (KB should be joining KG in 2010 unless I decide to hold him back a year before he goes to KG).

- We move this coming Sunday. In the meanwhile, KB has been sick since Sunday. He went to our neighborhood park to fly a kite with his dad while KG and I ran all over the field. That evening both kids are all healthy, happy running all over the place. Next morning, they wake up dull with a fever! Damn these viruses! Since Tuesday KB has been coughing non stop - I felt like heart would literally break. I took him and KG to the doctor on Tuesday morning. After chest exam and nebulizer treatment, they said his chest was clear. No need for antibiotics. We get home - but he continues to cough. He could not eat any solid food. Any liquids he drank also, he could not keep it in because of the cough. Wednesday morning, again I took both kids (B was very busy at work those two days) to the doctor by myself. Again the same thing. Just a bad virus they said. But Wed evening, the cough was unberable for me. I told B to come home asap and take KB to urgent care. There, the doctor prescribed "Prednisone". Finally after a second dose of Prednisone this morning followed by a nap early afternoon, KB woke up without the terrifying cough. I would dread mornings and night times because especially after lying down, he would just cough so unbearably. Again, he has been so patient through all this the last three days. In fact he consoled me so many times that slowly, if he kept drinking water, he would "defeat" the virus! :) He keeps listening to my conversation with the doctor, with my sister who is a pediatrician and to my conversations with B - so he picks up all these things and talks like he is a doctor himself. This morning, when I told him ina frustrated tone, "I don't know what to do KB...I have taken you to the doctor thrice and given you medicines...the cough is just not going away. It is going to take some time". He tells me "But they have not done a chest X-ray for me!". (To rule out bacterial infection!). His getting better has been the best birthday gift for me. It was really killing me to see him suffer like this and not eat anything for three days in a row. God please keep these kids healthy. In the meanwhile, KG has been constipated and is also congested. But she became cranky etc only after KB got better - so at least I could manage them both one sick kid at a time! Thank heavens for small mercies!

So that's the update! My mother is going to visit us soon after we move to our new place. KB is excited that his "Patti" will be here soon. Am looking forward to seeing them interact with my mother. Hopefully after we settle down, I will be able to write a little more frequently!

Hope you are all doing well!

Red it is!

2009-03-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

Posting again - for some reason the last part of my post did not get posted...
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The orthopedic surgeon had told us to come in for a check up a week after the surgery to add one more layer to the cast since he had left room for swelling. So we went to his clinic again and KB very happily sat on the bed and waited for the surgeon. When the doctor walked in and asked KB how he was feeling and if he was feeling any pain, KB casually said, "No, I don't feel any pain". And again said, "Why didn't you give me a red cast?". The surgeon said, "Ahh...yeah. Even my daughter (who looked about six) asked me why I didn't give KB a red cast?" (She happened to walk with him during his rounds the day after KB's surgery). He told KB, "OK, we will give you red today". And when they were really ready to put on the next layer, the doctor playfully asked KB, "You want orange?", to which KB surely replied, "Red"! The surgeon smiled and said to him, "Just making sure!". KB looked satisfied with his new cast. I felt quite bad to think that we still had five more weeks to go but I tried hard to tell myself that time will go by fast.

A few days later, I took KB and KG to "Party city", since KB wanted some "worm balloons". After I got that and other such junk in my cart, I walked to the check out line. And I could not believe the coincidence in the conversation I had with two people at the line. The guy behind me asked me "What happened to his arm?" and I told him. He said, "The moment I saw him, I knew...because my son went through the exact same fall - just two feet high - fell awkwardly and had a surgery soon after and was in a cast for six weeks!". Same hospital even. And the woman in front of us heard him talking and said, "My daughter had it even worse...she was only two and she broke her collar bone when she climbed on the kitchen table and fell down...and they could not do any surgery or anything...it just had to heal on its own!".

Can you believe the coincidence - this has never happened to me - I rarely even talk to people while standing at the check out line, especially at party city! And all three of us had gone through the same kind of thing...I could not believe it. I felt as if it happened to make me feel better and to reassure me that KB will be back to normal soon. The other guy said his son is totally back to normal...and even the little kid with the collar bone fracture eventually started using her arm. All is well that ends well!

KB now walks around with his bright red cast. I tell the story of how he fell and what happened to his arm like a broken record since the bright red cast attracts the attention of so many people!
KB just runs around and his sister seems oblivious to any of this. The other day I came out of the bathroom quickly only to see KG happily playing with her brother except that in the process she was literally sitting on him on the couch! I have to guard his arm and make sure it doesn't get rammed into or it doesn't get wet. Each time I feel sorry, I control myself and think about Baby S and how he has now had his one eye removed (His mom emailed me saying the surgery went well) and that I should take this in stride...kids fall, period. They run around and things happen. I am trying hard not to walk on egg shells all the time worrying when either KB or KG will fall from something.

I will end this post with some nice words from Baby S's strong and courageous mother (the baby who had tumors in his one eye). "I cannot wait until he is well, it seems to be such a simple thing considering there are so many children who are just normal and healthy, but I know to be able to raise a normal and healthy child is both a miracle and blessing. I wish you all the strength and blessings that Baby S has taught me to take care of your son and daughter. We will keep your family in our prayers." Her son, all of sixteen months old had taught her to be strong and in turn she is giving me strength. And I pass it on to all of you.

The bright red cast...

2009-03-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

My brother and I waited in the family area talking to the other mom (T) about her baby S. I just stepped out after about half an hour when I saw an OR nurse wheeling out the stroller in which they took KB inside. I asked him how much longer the surgery would take and he said it was already done and they are now putting the cast on him. I was very surprised and relieved to know it was over already. I had expected to wait for an hour and a half. But we had to wait another half an hour for them to allow us into the recovery room. B had to stay with KG in the family area while I went in to see KB. They had a little crib kind of bed made of steel, I guess to prevent kids from falling out etc. KB was still fast asleep under the effect of the anesthesia. The IV needles were still connected and he did not have his shirt on. Just a pillow on top of his chest. He still had his pants and shoes on him. My first instinct was that he would be cold and I asked the nurse about it. She said he wasn't cold since they keep the room temperature warm and he had a pillow on his chest. He looked suddenly so much more grown up in the kind of expression his sleeping face had. It is so hard to put into words.

I went out to the family area and let B in to see KB. While B was waiting there, the nurse tried to wake him up just so they could make sure he was able to recognize us, was able to speak clearly etc before transferring him to the main hospital (out of the surgery unit) for the night.
When KB woke up, he started crying immediately asking for "Mammma". So B told me to rush in and I came running to see KB. As soon as I held his fingers, he was calm. Half awake but clearly recognizing us all. I asked him if he wanted me to sing "Mudakaratha modakam" a song he has heard me sing nearly every day. He said yes. I sang softly into his ears. The nurse was passing by and I asked her how long before we get transferred to the hospital. KB even in his half asleep state was following my singing. He got upset that I was not continuing. So I quickly started singing again. He fell asleep again while I waited there. A few minutes later, he woke up again and looked up and said "Hey, anga paaru, sea horse!" (Look there, a sea horse), pointing a picture above him. After sometime the nurse told us which room we would be moving to at the hospital for an over night stay before being discharged. They wheeled KB as it is in the crib bed and we (myself, B, KG and my brother) followed the nurse to the next building.

The day before the surgery, at the doctor's office, they had asked KB what color cast he would like to get on his fractured elbow. He looked at the spectrum of colors on display and picked "red" instantly. B blames it on my influence. He says I don't even realize how much I gravitate towards red when it comes to clothes. When I saw KB in the recovery room, I was disappointed to see him in a blue cast because they had specifically asked KB what color he wanted but gave him the wrong color. To a child, these things matter. When KB was moved to a bed at the main hospital, he noticed his cast and immediately said, "hey, why didn't they give me red?!". I told him some random reason but KB did not buy it. It was close to 7.00 p.m. already, KG had to be fed. So they left and I was alone with KB. I told the nurse around 8.00 pm that KB had not peed since 2.00 pm. She said that I could give him juice and then if he tolerated it well, we could then coax him to pee. She said it he did not pee even after four more hours, they would then use a catheter. I was again afraid of one more procedure on him, so my immediate goal was to get him to pee after drinking his juice. Thankfully that all went OK and the nurse gave him stickers even for that! KB had a field day because I gave him juice when ever he asked for it. And different flavors each time! Because he hadn't eaten anything all day. We sat and watched some baby Einstein programme on TV and then I read some books and told him stories. He complained of the cast feeling too tight, so they had given him morphine. He was not sleepy at all and said that he would only sleep at home. I somehow convinced him that we could only go home the next morning. Finally around 11.40 pm, he fell asleep. I slept right next to him in his bed itself. I hardly got some two or three hours of sleep that night. But KB slept well for the most part except when he had to get up to go to the bathroom.

The next morning when the surgeon came on rounds, KB answered his questions about how he was feeling etc and immediately said to him, "WHY didn't you give me red?!". The surgeon was really sweet about it and said that he knew at the back of his mind that he had messed up. He then apologized and said one week later, when he put on another layer, he would give KB a red cast. I really appreciated the kindness with which the doctor talked to KB and really understood that these little things matter to the child.

BTW - I am writing all this so I don't forget about it all - I don't mean to bore you all with fine details. I am assuming people will skip over to read the gist if they do read this post! I want to write about the other two moms and the coincidental meeting with two other parents at Party city...but I am too sleepy now to continue. Hope to write about that in the next post.

The little soldier...

2009-03-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write about this whole experience for different reasons. One, writing helps me feel a tiny bit lighter. Two, I wanted to remember how KB reacted to this whole thing and how he amazed me with this mental fortitude in just accepting things as is and truly going forward instead of looking back and moping about how and why he has to go through all this. The kind of resilience you always knew kids had but when seeing it first hand, it really amazes you. Three, I wanted to remember the strength of the other two moms I met there and wanted to write about it for me and all of us to be inspired by and draw strength from to face our own little problems.

Back to the "brave young man" and "little soldier", titles KB truly earned from the nurse who treated him in the ER and also in the recovery room after the surgery. When they took him to take some "pictures" of his hand, KB told me "Amma, X-ray yedukka poraa maa" and the nurse was taken aback by how cool he was about it. He was fascinated by all that was happening around him in the ER. He did not cry while she took the X-rays, he just wanted me next to him, that's all. And while we waited for the doctor he told me, "Amma, I am looking at why every one here is wearing glasses" and then we spent some time looking at who were or were not wearing glasses. The nurse told him "You were so brave, how many stickers do you want?". Very innocently, he replied "Two". She said, "Only two? No. You were so brave, I want to give you five stickers". KB was thrilled and it was touching to see how he was still such a baby.

Before the surgery, they gave him "Versed" a medication used to reduce anxiety and also reduce their short term memory so they wouldn't remember exactly what happened at that instance. The nurse said he would act drunk almost 10 min after he drank it. But KB was fully alert even half an hour after they gave him the medication. I was very nervous because it was now 3.00 p.m. and I had to wheel him into the OR and hand him over to the surgeon. Thankfully he was in the stroller and I just wheeled him there and the nurse took over without him realizing it. It was heart breaking to hand him over and see him disappear behind the double doors. The nurse reassured me "We will take good care of him. We will put a mask on as soon as we go in and he will be asleep". I just prayed that he should be OK and everything should go smoothly. The surgeon had said it would take about an hour and half for the surgery. B immediately went back home to pick up KG and come back with her to the hospital.

My brother and I were waiting in the family room when I bumped into the other mom waiting there. Her older son was the same age as KB and was playing there. Her younger son, 16m old was in the OR while she was waiting there. I asked her what the problem was with her child. Very calmly she said to me "He keeps getting tumors in his eye orbit". My heart sank even hearing those words. Her strength just shook me. Here I was completely falling apart at the thought of KB undergoing surgery for a fractured elbow and here she was like a rock facing such horrors. I asked her, "How do you manage to be so strong?". She said, "Because I faced the worst when they made the diagnosis. But now I am strong because he has no one else. I have to be strong for him. We have been here so many times and each time after surgery, he bounces right back and starts playing his older brother. We are coming back here next week. They are going to take his eye out because if not they said he won't make it". It sent shivers down my spine to hear those words even. I felt as if God sent me to her in that family room to remind me that kids are strong and that I need to be strong for KB too. I felt so badly for that mom, I just wanted to hug her tight. I couldn't find words to describe how inspired I was by her calm strength and courage as a mother.

While driving to the ER, I was telling B that truly it was these moments when we are really parenting. Rest of the times, you feed the kids, they grow up. You sort of just coast along and go with the flow. It is during the moments of extreme highs and lows that you as a parent have to be the fulcrum and hold the child in place and give them the strength to be calm. And in the moments of lows like this one, you are truly tested. You have to bear the pain of seeing your child in pain, of not being in control of their destiny. Some of you wrote about the guilt I might feel. But strangely that is one thing I did not feel much of. Because I truly could not have prevented this unless I kept him in front of my eyes 24/7 without ever doing any other work. He was just sitting in his high chair after dinner chatitng with me while I was loading the dishwasher. As I bent down to load some dishes, I heard him scream in pain. He was getting down when he just slipped and fell awkwardly. From a height of may be 2 feet. It is like an adult tripping while walking. I just had no control over it. I did have very negative thoughts like, "It is my bad karma that is affecting him" etc etc. Truly speaking, I still have those kind of ridiculous thoughts , but what can I do about it. I have to accept that I cannot control every aspect of his destiny. This was the first stark reminder for me that I do no have control over my children's life beyond a certain point. Life just happens and my role is to be there for them no matter what. That is all I can do. And meeting that other mom and hearing her calm words, I realized what a responsibility that was. To be strong when your child is in pain. I have been fighting myself each time I feel pity for KB to see him do things with only one hand. I tell myself, if he is being strong and taking it in stride, it is quite ridiculous of me to feel sorry for him. Why me, why him...yes, I do feel that way. But I tell myself, there is much worse out there. At least God has granted me the mercy of a finite time of six weeks when his hand has to be in a cast and the hope of things being back to normal. Something so many others don't have. I am afraid to even dwell on that thought. I move on quickly to the mundane of every day life so I don't focus on any of this too much.

Will continue...

Things change in a split second

2009-03-02T23:57:00.000-08:00

I never expected to start writing again. But when your heart feels heavy, you need to pour out. You want to question the unknown and rebuke destiny for how merciless it can be. And that sort of absurdness can only happen in your own space - your diary or in this case your own blog.

My dear little KB (who is now 3.5) fell off his high chair step on Tuesday (Feb 24) night around 9.00 p.m. He uses it just like a chair - it is more convenient for him to sit in it and reach up to the table to read his books while I give him dinner. He climbs in and out of it all the time quite comfortably. But that night he just slipped by chance and fell awkwardly and landed on his elbow. Because we have tiled hard floors in the dining area, the impact resulted in a fractured elbow. I could tell from the way he held his arm that it was serious. So immediately we rushed him to ER. He was so brave and so calm in the ER when they took X-rays and put his hand in a cast. The ER doctor made us wait for over an hour (at 12.00 a.m) while he waited to hear back from the orthopedist. Finally at 1.15 a.m or so he talked to us and said that the orthopedist was insistent that we take KB to a surgeon right the next morning. He said that KB might need surgery to put pins in his elbow to hold the displaced bones in place to make sure he does not suffer arthritis as a young adult. The moment the ER doctor uttered the word "surgery", I literally was fainting. I could not stand, just had to go and sit in the chair. I somehow gathered myself after a few seconds to continue the conversation.

B took Wednesday off and I spent all morning trying to get a referral and an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. I hardly slept because I kept worrying and praying that the surgeon should not look at the x-rays and say that he needs surgery. But sadly that is what happened. He said KB needs to have surgery on Friday (Feb 27) at 3.00 p.m. By then I had cried so much at night etc when KB wasn't seeing me that I was mentally prepared for it. The thought of general anesthesia scared me to no end but I had no choice but to face it. The surgeon was kind enough to squeeze in KB's surgery at a short notice but then he could only do it at 3.00 p.m. Because it had to be done under general anesthesia, I was not allowed to give him any solids from 7.00 a.m. And not even water after 1.00 p.m. I was worried sick as to how I could refuse breakfast and lunch and hold on till 3.00 p.m. But sometimes even in bad times a few crumbs of good luck get thrown your way. KB being the angel that he is, also helped me out so much. His perception of my emotions stuns me at times. Very unusually on Thursday, he woke up from his nap three times and said "Mamma, I love you". And that night he said to me just when he was about to fall asleep "Mamma, I love you the most". I made him take his afternoon nap late and made him go to bed only at 11.30 p.m. My brother flew in to be of moral support to me and I waited him to come before taking KB to bed.

The next morning, I gave KB 8oz of pediasure at 6.30 a.m and then made him go back to bed. Strangely he woke up only at 9.00 a.m. though he usually wakes up by 7.00 a.m. every morning. KG on the other hand woke up very early so I took her to my neighbor's place and made her take her afternoon nap there while we took KB to the hospital. After KB woke up, I gave him a bath very carefully without getting his cast wet. I had to cut a long sleeve shirt to be able to put his sleeve through the cast. Around 10.30 a.m. I gave him 4oz of Motts' juice. The surgeon had told me to keep even the clear liquids to a minimum. I was so paranoid that he should not have a reflux reaction to the anesthesia so I tried to be very strict about keeping the clear fluids also to a minimum. KB was so calm and so mature, not once he asked me for his morning milk or cereal or even for water. I had prepped him the previous night as to what I would give him and he somehow accepted it and did not give me a hard time. We got into the car around 12.30 pm in order to check in at the hospital at 1.00 p.m. The patient interview etc lasted for an hour. We then went into the short stay unit (SSU 4) and there they checked his weight/pulse etc. KB has been playing a lot with his doctor kit so he was quite enjoying the whole scene there. He wore his plastic doctor's glasses while we went into the hospital. A surgeon who was passing by as we entered said to KB, "Those glasses look cool man! Do you want to see my glasses?" and he had a cool magnetic pair that would come apart in the middle and hang around his neck which he showed to KB. KB immediately turned to me and said "I want magnetic glasses too Mamma"!".

To be continued...

Happy new year!! And goodbye for a while!

2008-12-31T16:09:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all a very happy new year! I hope the coming year is filled with many happy moments, lots of laughter, cozy times with family and good health most of all!

I have been wanting to take a blogging break partly because of time issues. But I never could get myself to do it - because what started as a whim became so much a part of my life - I got so involved in the lives of the people I read about. I think about them often and if I did't read any posts from them, I wondered about what was happening at their end. Blogging felt like a life line on some days when the mundane things in life piled on so much that you felt weighed down by it all. Reading about a child's achievement, a travel escapade, a school play, a funny incident, a monthly update all served to cheer me up on those days. And on days I did post, it was exciting to look to see if any one had read it and commented on it. It all became an addiction. I have gotten to know some wonderful people through these blogs and felt a sense of community despite having very little time to meet people and socialize in a group locally. I will miss it all terribly which is why I want to safely call this a blogging break - because I would like to come back to it some day when I feel like it. And hopefully have a few people still visit my site and leave comments and make some connection. I thank very sincerely the people who have read my posts and left me comments and also established a more personal connection through email. I will of course still be accessible on email. I don't want to make this too dramatic for I don't know really if any one will even notice - but for the few who do, I wanted to say a proper good bye before taking a break! Hope the year 2009 is a wonderful one for you and your family!

Impulse

2008-12-29T17:09:00.000-08:00

Shweta walked passed the vanity sink to get her red sequined Sari from the walk-in closet. She started draping it around her and threw the pallu over her shoulder. For a second she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She wondered for a second if it was really her. She had taken a month off from her graduate studies for her wedding in Delhi. Just six months back she had been toiling in her computer laboratory working late hours and having no thoughts of a wedding. Rajesh walked into her life and changed all of that. She had plenty of talent, had excellent education and sharp features too. Yet she had never felt comfortable in social settings and would retreat to a corner. She never felt that she had the smoothness of conversation that her friend Vidya did. She had envied Vidya for her cool demeanor around her male friends. So many of them had fallen for Vidya while Shweta had always been the friend, the confidante to the men who sought out her friend. They would befriend her to gain access to Vidya.

When Rajesh approached her and asked her out for dinner, she was sure this was about playing messenger to Vidya. She never felt animosity towards her for that but could not help feeling disappointed at the thought when it came to Rajesh. He was the mate she had in her mind. The intelligent look in his eyes, the accessible demeanor, passion for music, being able to converse well in Tamil, he even wore thin rimmed glasses just like the image she had in mind. And to see this guy falling for her friend. Why couldn't this one person have liked her and not Vidya? She cursed herself for her bad luck and bit her lip and tried to conceal her emotions as they sat down to eat.

The rest of the evening and the months that followed still felt like a dream. Rajesh had very simply told her that he liked her and would like to marry her. Straight. No dating, no mind games. To the extent she wondered if there was a catch. If there was something she was missing here. Things fell in place so smoothly that she lost track of time and of herself. For someone who had never dated anyone, to be accepted and desired so sincerely by the man of her dreams made it hard for her keep her feet on the ground. She felt like she really understood what cloud nine meant during those months.

She put the sindoor on her forehead and admired herself. She had started wearing eye liner and lip gloss ever since she got engaged. She had suddenly felt a desire to look beautiful, not just pleasing. She started wearing bright clothes and bold earrings. She stood in front of the vanity mirror and thought of her good luck. She now had a wonderful husband and not just that. She had a mother-in-law who was beyond belief. She treated Shweta like a queen. She gave them space and let them have their time together. She never expected her to cook and praised her singing when Rajesh asked her to sing at family gatherings.

Rajesh and Shweta got into the car and left for Bangalore. Mrs.Govind as she was known to many of her students put her feet up and let herself absorb the vacant feeling in the house. The house guests had finally left that morning and after three weeks of frenzied activity, she had two days to herself. Even her husband had gone out of town on work. She thought of her daughter-in-law. The focus of her son's attention now. Mrs.Govind had raised him well and given him all that she could as a mother. And now her job was done. She felt good but it was bitter sweet. She had been a school principal and had an air of sophistication about her that her daughter-in-law did not. They were wealthy in comparison and had more refined tastes in her opinion. As a daughter-in-law, she felt Shweta was no match for her. She did not speak English with a crisp accent. She looked good but dressed simply. She never wore high heels or sleeveless blouses. They lived in a large bungalow in Delhi but Shweta grew up in a two bedroom flat in Madurai. She does have brains though, Mrs.Govind thought to herself. And she seems to be more at peace with herself than I am at this point, she muttered silently.

She went upstairs to rest up and sort out her muddled thoughts. What is it she wanted out of her daughter-in-law? She was lucky to have Shweta in her life. She knew that. But she felt a feeling of hatred wash over her when she was alone at home. Yes, she was alone. In more than one sense of the word. She had prepared for this mentally and yet she found herself unprepared. As she walked up to her room, she passed by Rajesh's room. Not his room anymore, their room she thought to herself. She walked past the room and suddenly turned back and gave into impulse. She opened the door and walked in to catch a glimpse of Shweta's personal life. Curiosity took over the best of her. The crisp accented, power wielding, bold, wealthy, well dressed Mrs.Govind found herself peering into her new daughter-in-laws suitcase. She felt sick even as she walked in. She opened it gingerly and found jeans and sweaters, couple of books, salwars and Saris tossed in carelessly. Nothing interesting she thought to herself. She got up to leave before she puked at her own behavior completely lacking in culture. Her eyes fell on the little music box on the side pouch. Feeling disgusted with herself, she still pulled it out and opened it. "To my only love" the personal inscription read. She hurriedly put it back unable to stand any of it. She quickly put it back in place and rushed out of her room. She put her head back on the pillow and felt tears rushing down. She turned on her favorite ghazals on the CD player by her bedside and turned around and closed her eyes.

P.S. Fictional, based on hearsay and imagined characters!

KB's preschool update II

2008-12-28T23:44:00.000-08:00

I wrote this post on Sep.29.08 - nearly three months back. Funny how you worry your brains out about something and then three months later (well much sooner in this case but I am writing about it only now) you have forgotten about the tension you went through then. At that time, I had been wondering what to do about KB's preschool situation. I had chosen that school thinking it was a good fit for KB and I liked the play atmosphere in the school. But then KB cried so much that after a month of trying, the director told me to take a month off and bring him back. I had been quite upset that they called me each time he cried thus not giving him a chance to just cry it out for a few days and eventually get used to school. Well, things just work out in the way they are meant to work out.

I had written about this preschool program that I started taking KB to since early October. For the first three weeks, I used to drop him in the classroom, but I would be walking in the park outside the classroom. KB knew I was in the vicinity. In the beginning of November, when my cousin and her family visited me, she dropped him in school and the whole gang went later to pick him up. My cousin, her husband and two children, my mami - all of them! That was the first day he was dropped off and I was not there in the vicinity. From that point on, either me and B drop him off at school and then I go to pick him up. He looks really happy there. He does some craft every day and he proudly shows it to me. The kids who come there are all between ages three and five - so he gets to interact with younger and older kids and he seems quite comfortable with it.

It reamains to be seen how well he will adjust when he goes to a proper school with longer hours. But for now I am most happy that this is exactly what I wanted out of preschool for KB at age three - one that will make him happy and one where he will do some stuff and have fun doing it. He plays different games each day - duck and goose game or kids soccer etc. They trace one page of some alphabet each day. Just simple tracing games like match the letter to the picture and then trace the letter type stuff. And they read two or three books to them each day while the kids are eating snack. Even after I go to pick him up, he continues playing there for another fifteen minutes! Knock on wood.

Last year, I searched all over the place for a preschool for KB. I might never have picked this place because it wasn't what I was looking for. But the way things turned out, KB made his choice and somehow it seems like the best thing that could have happened for now. Am hoping the next school he goes to for age four (he turns four in Aug 09), the transition goes smoothly. I decided not to move him to another school in Jan itself but to wait till July of 09. I don't know if he is missing out on serious learning but I don't feel like rocking the boat now. KB is enjoying himself, so I just want to let it be! Well, the little man seems to make his own choices anyway!

Award

2008-12-27T17:23:00.000-08:00

These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to more bloggers who must choose more and include this text into the body of their award.

Thanks to CA and to Mammamia for this award. They truly deserve this award. I would have passed it on to them had not received this award already!

I pass it on to these people who also are truly deserving of this award. They are warm, down to earth and always make you feel like you can drop them a line even if you don't know them and you have this feeling that they will respond with warmth. Even if you don't actually write to them, you get that kind of feeling from their writing.

Ranjani

SS

Kodi's mom

Collection of stars (who has stopped blogging for a while!)

Bangalore mom

Dipali

Neera

MNamma

Once a parent, always a parent...

2008-12-20T22:44:00.000-08:00

I think back to the days when I was a student. I had this image of finishing school, getting a job, getting married, having kids etc. I have older siblings so I saw them go through it all even as I was a young girl in middle school. I had spent good amount of time playing with and cuddling and enjoying my nieces and nephews. I remember how my first nephew used to cry his guts out on some days when he was left alone with us (when his parents went out) and we would pray that his then nanny should be still in the neighborhood so we could go get her to calm him down. Which she could really do like magic. Or how my sister used to sound out words to my niece when she was a preschooler - like "sss ah t" (for sat) etc while giving her dinner. And how my other sister told her husband they would just have to cancel their trip to India because they forgot to put my nephew's "Nebulizer" in the van (he was asthmatic) on the way to the airport stopping at my brother's place on the way. My brother made calls to local pharmacies and managed to find one that would sell them one right away. I remember my second brother concealing his anxiety and praying to God standing in his pooja room while my nephew went through a temporary but severe phase of alopecia. And I think back on those little and big moments now and see it more clearly - what it means to be a parent. How you can't help but celebrate your children's every acheivement and how their every little pain is yours to bear as well.

I read this post by Mad Momma and I could feel her joy. And really felt pride at the little boy's accomplishment on getting potty trained and being able to carry on this basic function independently. I read this post by Tharini just now (and these somewhat prompted me to write this post) and I felt like physically reaching out and patting Winkie on his back for such a commendable job. On what? On being able to go through the tedious process of wearing the whole set of winter gear patiently and correctly. And to actually not take up his mom on the offer of getting dropped off in school. What more reward does a parent want than knowing the child is learning to fly on his own? These posts might have seemed like posts on trivial every day things from a giddy mom before I became a mom myself. I don't know - just wondering if I would have appreciated as much what each of these things mean to a parent before I became one myself. It is indeed a giddy feeling when your child is able to do the simplest of things on his own. From latching on perfectly as an infant to nurse, being able to look at your eyes and smile, to roll over, to roll a ball, to saying mamma, to look at the birds in awe, to point to the moon on a summer night...every moment, a celebration. Deep within. That is only shared in equal magnitude by the other parent. In the look they give each other and knowing that the other person too feels like jumping in delight. And in that feeling deep within when you feel like you are blessed infinitely - that your child is able to do every simple thing that we take for granted. But as a parent, you do feel pride when you read about children who you get to know through blogs - in some sense you watch them grow - in a different way - through the written word. You imagine their personalities and you marvel at the little things they do. I still remember some of Winkie's art work, Ayaan's arrangement of flowers, Beanie talking clear words at a very early age, Sooraj's lovely gift for his mother...so many little things like that. These are children I have not met but only read about them through the mommy blogs. I relate to the pride the mother's feel when they write about them because that is what being a parent does to you. And it makes you realize what an important task you have at hand. That of raising children. Precious little ones that are moulded to a large extent by how much nurturing the parents are able to provide them.

I read this recently and agreed with No 1 on the list. To be able to provide your child with abundant love and to make the child feel secure in his/her early childhood years is an important task at hand. You know you love the child, but to make the child know that and to make him feel secure as a person is much harder than teaching academic concepts in my opinion. It sometimes fills me with anxiety when B remarks jokingly to me as to how much KB is influenced by my every action. While I sometimes loose my temper and yell at B in the middle of an argument, I see KB absorbing all my tones and inflections. And it later shows up in his own actions in some other instance. It is hard to become a saint as a parent. I console myself that KB has to know me as me and not as some saint that I am not in reality. Anger is as much as part of me as love is. I have to try to be good as much as I tell KB to be good. It is the trying that is even more important than winning or losing. I have to first convince myself of it before I teach KB that. But in all of the trials I go through in raising my children to the best of my ability, I realize how much I am growing in the spirit of the word as a person. They have enriched my life like nothing else has in the past and I pray that I have the courage and will to accept them as they are when they grow up and not set rigid expectations as to who they should become. I feel a sense of gratitude towards destiny for allowing me the privilege of being a parent. It takes being one to know what it means in the truest sense of the word.

The jet lands on...

2008-12-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

Australia!

That's our new continents game. I got a "Do it yourself kit" for KB where they have pre cut pieces to assemble a jet plane, race car, bird house etc. It is a lot of fun because he gets to smooth out the wood with sand paper and then paint it and then glue the pieces together to make a jet or race car.

We made the jet yesterday - he had a lot of fun painting it and was quite amused when he mixed (they only had five colors in the kit) blue and yellow and found that it turned green. He woke up this morning and told me about it with the tone of "Did you know, Mamma?".

After KG went to bed, KB and I were playing around with his newly created jet plane. I pretended like it took off and was high up in the air and I turned around and asked him which continent it was going to land on. He said, "North America"! I pretended that the couch was North America and I landed his jet plane on it. But I remembered his continents table mat he had and brought it out. KB really got into the game once I brought this out and then he took over the jet plane. I would say, "Oh, the jet plane is landing in Australia" and he would land the plane there. Then he took a piece of paper and pretended that it was the key to open the jet plane and he then let the people out. He proceeded to say that the people were all tired and needed some coffee. So he turned to the couch and made some coffee after heating some water and adding some coffee powder. (Looks like he only makes black coffee!). I then told him how awesome his coffee was and he said, "People Saptutaa maa coffee'aa" (People finished the coffee). He then went to the pretend sink and dumped their mugs in there. Then the "people" rang the door bell and I welcomed them to Australia and they all apparently had a great time there.

The jet plane took off again and I would say "Antartica" and he would land it in Antartica (on the mat). And he decided it was too cold there and so made them hot chocolate. Juice for those who landed in Africa. A bowl of soup for those who landed in Europe. And a loud welcome to the people who landed in each of these places and great hospitality with all these drinks served as soon as they set foot on the continent!

It was great fun being a part of this make believe world where every thing was so simple and straight forward and there were no lines in between to be read or rifles to be feared. It was a blissful half an hour for me. B returned home from work and KB enacted the whole scene for him with great excitement.

Feeling of home...

2008-11-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

It is the Thanksgiving weekend. While Mumbai is dealing with endless hours of terror, we (especially those of us who do not have CNN) are flooded with advertisements for local Black Friday offers. My cousin, her husband and her adorable young daughter were visiting us after many months of failed attempts - random events coming in the way of their plans each time. India's 9/11 on 26/11. We talked about it to each other on the phone. Emailed friends who had relatives in Mumbai. I read news reports and blogs and watched NDTV's coverage late at night while the rest of the family slept. You read and read and read...yet that reality is so far away. You can feel the terror in your bones when you are physically there. But it feels almost farcical to think that I actually feel the terror that the people there in Mumbai felt. Life here goes on as usual. What do you do? Do you not entertain your guests? Do you not let your children enjoy a holiday break? You feel and yet you go on. And that makes you feel like you don't really care. Very unsettling feeling.

Prices slashed big time for plasma screen TVs. It is all over the news. Advertisements bombard us on TV. In all the years that I have lived in America, I had never stepped out on Black Friday for shopping deals. I am not much of a shopper but I had been curious about the Black Friday frenzy always. I was amused by tales of how an Indian neighbor of one of our relatives stormed into some department store to grab the rice cooker that was selling for $5.00 or some such insanely low price but had to contend with another hand placed on the only piece left, a Chinese person who loved rice just as much I suppose. They battled it out and the Indian person had the satisfaction of emerging the winner after experiencing the thrill of the chase when in fact he could have afforded to buy a very expensive rice cooker at full price.

I watched NDTV late into the night. I could not believe my eyes when they were showing this one commando on Nariman house shooting away - I was confused if this was the norm - to show such strategic operations on live TV?! I read blog posts and newspaper articles and went to bed very late at night. I had wanted to get some thing in particular for my cousin's daughter and I knew that I would not have much time during the day to go get it for her without her insisting on coming with me (in which case my cousin would have insisted I not get her one more gift). I knew Kohls was opening it's doors at 4.00 a.m. for Black Friday specials and I thought it would be a good time to go and get it over with before the kids woke up. I woke up at 5.30 a.m. and got ready and drove to Kohls at 6.00 a.m.

My first time going to shop at such an unearthly hour. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the parking lot completely full and I had to go around and around and finally found a spot in the far end of the lot. I walked in and saw that there were no shopping carts or bags available. I didn't need one since I was only going to get some trinkets for my niece. I paused and looked at some, didn't find what I had in mind and decided to walk to the children's section. I got there and saw that people were all standing in line and shopping. Wait, no - they were not shopping. They had finished shopping and were waiting in line to pay. That was the line snaking through three long sides of the store leading to the cash registers. I had never seen anything like this before. And honestly I didn't even think these were any great deals. I instantly decided to return home since it was just not worth standing in such a long line to get a couple of tee shirts or trinkets.

It was early dawn when I was driving back home. It was Shobha De on NPR talking about the Mumbai situation. About how she used to stand outside the Taj hotel when she was a little girl and wonder if she would ever be able to afford even going into that place let alone be married there. And that her daughter was to get married there 10 days from now and that she "absolutely" would go ahead with those plans if the hotel were to be back in business etc. Mumbai on my mind all along. Even as I blankly drove to Kohls and back. But in a strange way so removed from it all. Like there are times when you know someone you love is no more but the reality does not sink in at all because you are so far away from it and just cannot feel it physically. I had that feeling when my cousin passed away from sudden complication from her cancer, a month after my father passed away. My father's demise was very real to me because I saw him physically that way. But my cousin, I still cannot come to grips with that reality. That when I go back home, she will not be there at her lovely home.

I came back home and went upstairs to see what the kids were upto. KB had woken up to go the bathroom and had asked for me and had cried when he saw I was not home. But he calmed down in a minute and was in bed just when I walked in to the room. I did not even wait to change back into my night pants again. I just got into bed and asked KB to come from his little toddler bed and sleep in our bed. KG was asleep in her crib. The room was dark. It was nice and cool. I pulled the comforter over myself and KB and snuggled close to him. He has had a cough for a week now. He coughs mainly as soon as he wakes up or is in the lying down position. I made him sleep in an inclined position on two pillows and rubbed his back. I thought of the little child and her mother who were rescued. I really did feel for them. That kind of terror when you don't know if your child is going to be safe the next minute must be gruesome. I honestly felt a feeling of thanks - to the powers that be - to have the pleasure and privilege of being able to snuggle next to my child and provide him the comfort for a minor cough and feel a sense of home in that moment. I wonder if the terrorists know of such feelings - is it that they were not loved? Why would they do this to innocent people? To innocent children? The world is too complex, the questions too many, answers too few. But that moment felt full and happy and I clutched at it thinking once again about how vulnerable we all are and how people must have been enjoying such moments when terror struck them in Mumbai. I can never comprehend the mind of such terrorists who would be willing to destroy families mercilessly. With such conflicting emotions, I pulled KB closer and prayed for their safety in this cruel world and fell asleep for another half an hour.

Life - stories and games - that's all it is.

2008-11-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have been out of the blog loop for a while. Partly because after a long time, I have started sitting downstairs either reading the newspaper or magazines or watching TV which I had not done in a very very long time. B and I used to be "Law and Order" junkies but it has been a very long time (probably a year) since we sat down to watch an episode. He falls asleep when he takes KB upstairs to sleep and I don't enjoy watching it alone . I started staying downstairs to watch election related news and some nice PBS specials they had around then. And somehow that again got me started on a little TV watching after every one went upstairs to sleep.

Back to the main story - since this post is all about stories. KB's obsession with "sthories" (as he says it) is something I wanted to write about. Everything to him is either a game or a story. He goes to bed every night listening to a story - title suggested either by him or by me. And wakes up and tells me the story he heard the previous night. (This morning he told me "The Deicer" story). And during the day he makes me tell so many stories that I am beginning to forget where reality begins or ends. For ex, I was driving back with KB after doing some grocery shopping. On the way, we saw a young teenager being given a ticket by the cop. I told KB casually that that "Anna" was being given a ticket because he drove past a red light. (I just checked the recording and remembered what I told him!). KB pauses to think and immediately says, "Sollu maa, Andha Anna story sollu maa". And then the prompting (from KB) starts.

Me: Andha Anna drive panninde irundhan. (That "Anna" was driving). Suddenly he drove past a red light, traffic vandhundrukkarcheye (he beat the red light even when there was so much traffic). Police officer andha corner'lendhu pathundhar (police officer was looking from the corner). He turned on his car lights and came behind Anna's car.

KB: Appram Anna?

Me: Appram Anna ange poi car'aa niruthitu police officer'ku wait pannan (he waited for the police officer)

KB: Police officer sonnar Anna kitte?

Me: Police officer sonnar Anna kitte," WHY did you drive like that? You know you can ram into the other cars if you do that. You know you are not supposed to do that", appdintu kochindar. (PO got mad at Anna).

KB: Udne Anna sonnan police officer kitte?

Me: Anna Sonnan, "Sorry police officer, naa inme indha maari panna maatein (won't do it again), I will be careful. I didn't realize I was driving so fast"

KB: Police officer sonnar...

Me: Police officer sonnar, I am going to give you a ticket. I will let you go this one time. But if you do it again, I will be very upset".

KB: Appram, Anna?

Me: Anna OK sollitu, car'le yerindu chamatha careful'aa drive pannindu ponan! That's it. That's the end of the police officer and Anna story. (Anna got into the car and like a good boy he drove away carefully).

You can imagine many many such incidents that happen every day. Each one is a story. My cousin and her family and my mami were visiting us for a week. We went to a farm where the four kids were playing on a hay stack. One of them scraped his leg while jumping from a tall one. And there it was - the story of that evening. And that night KB's bed time story was "The litte boy and the hay stack". We go to the beach and on the way to the parking lot, KB sees a man changing the tire in his pick up truck. All along the drive back, KB asked me to tell him the story of "The repair truck". I went to visit a friend today and her son cried saying his finger hurt and she looked at it and said that some thing might have poked him. So on the drive back it was the story of why the kutti boy cried.

If KB is sitting at his little table and painting he says, "Mamma, naa painting game vladinkein maa" (am playing painting game). If he is doing some tracing of letters he says, "Mamma I am playing tracing game ma". He sings some random tune and I sing along with him he says "Singing game vladlam maa" (Let's play singing game). If he and KG pass something like a juice carton to each other when they are sitting in their car seats, he says "Passing game vladrom maa".

I wish I could keep life this simple. What ever happens around me, it's a story that I am witnessing. What ever work I do, it's a game I am playing!

There is so much I think of writing about the things they do, but I just don't get to it. I thought I should at least write down about this "story" phase that KB is going through so I don't entirely forget this a year from now. This was a kid I used to worry as to why he only liked lift the flap type books and not story books. Now every picture he sees in either the magazine or the newspaper is a story, every random thing he sees as we drive by is a story and this is apart from the stories he actually reads in books and stories we make up for him at bed time. I managed to record a mini session with him reciting some stories. Including "Malia and Sasha get a puppy dog" where "Obama Uncle" goes to the animal shelter and gets them a Black dog with white spots and they all take a plane and go to the White house!.

He dreams of stories too I think. He stirred in his sleep (the restless sleeper that he is) and when I patted him, he said, "Fire story sollu maa" because he saw an Olympic torch like thing on the roof of a restaurant that evening before he went to bed. When I mentioned the word flame in that story, he said, "Yen throat'la kooda flame irukku". And I thought to myself, "Wow, he has a sore throat and he says his throat is in flames?". I was totally puzzled. Until I talked to B and discovered that B had told him the story of how B has a sore throat too and how the phlegm (which KB thought was the same as flame) made his throat ache.

If any of you want story ideas, feel free to email me, I will come up with random gibberish stories for you since I have stories coming out of my ears!

Good night!

And thus we decide who will lead the nation!

2008-11-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

The much anticipated Election day is here. In an hour or so (by the time you read this for sure), it will be close to "prediction" time. And then the exact numbers. The winner at hand. Who will make the first announcement? Will they bungle it up like they did in 2000? No, I guess not.

I went to vote this morning - I had considered early voting or vote by mail but decided to just go to the polling booth. I had actually wanted to take KB along - but practical issues made me decide against it. I had to be there before the place opened to make sure I was back home before B left for work. KB was asleep then. And despite going before the polling place opened, there was a long line - but thankfully it moved quickly and I was back home in about 45 minutes.

It was exciting to vote especially when the whole nation is so excited about having the power to elect their president. Somehow, this time around you can feel the pulse of the nation as it comes together to choose its leader. Even in my family this time around, my nephew has been writing blogs and working non stop campaigning and making calls to voters. Two of my sisters have been volunteering at the campaign booths and all of us siblings have been having so many email discussions and arguments about all this. In a strange way, after having children who are born citizens of this country, I feel a greater sense of belonging here and a greater eagerness to be part of the voting process. I am hoping that by the time the next election comes around, the kids will be more independent and I can actually get involved a lot more and volunteer some time and effort towards all this.

I am sure some of my dear blog pals can guess who I voted for. But in honor of my dad who never used to tell us who he voted for, just for kicks, I too will leave it to guessing.

Waiting for the headlines to strike!

Power to the people!

Boo!

2008-11-01T23:39:00.001-07:00

Hope all of you had a nice Halloween! We had a great time with both kids thoroughly enjoying trick or treating. We visited a bunch of wonderfully decorated haunted houses...humongous spiders on the drive way, fog and smoke coming out of the lawn area, skulls strewn about...as we near the door, boom, a man shouts and jumps out from the side wearing a scary mask. I was leading the pack with two other friends and their three girls behind me, KB and KG.

KB and KG are probably too young to be scared - they looked unruffled by it all. KG's first time trick or treating though she wore a costume last year too. KG dressed up as "Piglet" this year and KB as "Spiderman". Speaking of spooky stuff greeting us at the door, we had KB's "skeleton" art work put up on our front window to greet the trick or treaters.

KB wore the costume to his preschool too (I am just going to call this school M preschool here on). They had a little Halloween parade and the kids went walking through the large field in their costumes. They had cup cakes decorated with green and yellow whipped cream and "bone" candy as toppings. They filled up popcorn into transparent gloves and gave those to the kids as well. Over all, the kids had a great time that day.

When all you have are memories...

2008-10-26T16:48:00.000-07:00

It was Saturday evening. We drove the kids to Lowe's to get new energy saver bulbs for our living room - we had bought the wrong size and finally got down to returning those and buying the right ones. This sort of thing is cause for high excitement for KB. He talks incessantly of the "burst" bulbs and how we need to go to Home D or Lowes to buy new ones. The two kids run around the mammoth store in utter delight and I shamelessly go around screaming like an uncouth villager, "KB, KB, NO NO, not so fast...stop!". And then lose track of him for a second and scream even louder with some threats added in. "Come now or I will leave you and go back home". And the little brat says with complete satisfaction, "Here Amma" and shows his face. Agonizing as it is at times to not be able to shop for a simple thing in peace, I still always take both kids to these places esp late evening when there aren't too many people, because I know how much they enjoy these kind of large stores. Especially when they are in the garden center there, they look so happy amongst all the plants and the little water fall structures.

While driving back home, we stopped at a red light. I turned to see an older man (an Indian) wearing white sneakers and neatly ironed pants and white full sleeved shirt. He had grey hair and was partly bald. It was around 7.30 pm, nearly dark then. That point in the day as it is makes me somewhat melancholic. Somehow the sight of this man reminded me of my father. He would go for long walks dressed the same way. Looking neat in ironed clothes. Many times, I would drop him at a shopping center a little distance away from my place, because it was too long to walk both ways. He would then walk around the open mall area and then walk back home. And sometimes make friends with fellow Indians or with some non-Indians who are either giving out pamphlets for their organization or have some kind of sales pitch. He would listen to them intently and even have questions for them. He would come back home and tell me the details of who said what or which "gentleman" he spoke to at the mall. I saw this man standing at the traffic light and I could bring back the picture of my father too doing the same. Waiting at the light and people watching in the meanwhile. I am still not able to get it out of my mind. It made me feel incredibly sad that all I had now was this very blurry image in my head of my father - you wish you could adjust the lens and get a clear glimpse of him in flesh and blood - that feeling when you see the image clearly and all feels right for the moment. I wish he had come with us to Lowes which he was sure to have if he had been alive. I imagine KB and KG constantly playing with him, wanting him to sit next to them and doting on him all the time.

I wish I could cry now but the tears don't come. The pain now is not raw but one that comes in flashes and leaves me feeling sad and nostalgic. He is not there to see my children now. It will be two years this coming January since he passed away. I was going to write a post about my MIL yesterday because it was her second year "Shraddh" ceremony. But seeing this man somehow made me write this post instead. I see so much of my father in KB - almost as if he is there in front of me - when KB does certain things. It is hard to explain but it is the kind of stuff that only the children know about their parents. The mannerisms, the slight lift of the feet while standing by the kitchen counter chatting, the playful smile while telling a joke when the punch line is about to hit you when you least expect it...things like that. Even at this tender age of three, one can see similarities. I am thankful for those moments when I see my father in KB. But I can't help but wish he was there with us...for my children especially. They just don't know what an amazing grand father he would have been for them. I just hope somehow somewhere they will know in just the way they turn out to be as adults.

When the cruel mother over works the little boy!

2008-10-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

I sometimes dish out dramatic dialogues to KB just for the fun of it - partly meaning what I say and partly just to get him going into his "deep thought" mode. One day, B came home late and was exhausted. After a long day of taking care of both kids, especially when both kids had somehow been quite demanding, I had just sat down in the couch after dinner to just catch my breath. B had finished his meal and was loading the remaining dishes in the dishwasher. KB saw a bowl of cheerios that I had kept for KG and just on a whim turned it upside down and spilled it all over that area. Both of us got mighty annoyed at KB for his baby type mischeif and chided him. B grabbed a broom and gathered the spilled stuff and trashed it. As he was doing this I told KB, "Pavam Daddy, ivvlo tired'aa irukarche, you are making him do so much work. Pavam illaya Daddy...edukkaga nee indha maari panre? (Poor Daddy, when he is so tired, you are making him do so much work...why do you do this?).

Two days back:

Soon after the kids had their lunch (after KB returned from his preschool program), I took KG upstairs to change her diaper and take her to her crib for her afternoon nap. Just as I was changing her diaper, I asked KB to get me a facial tissue (which is use to dab a little bit of oil that I sometimes put on her skin) from the drawer.

KB says to me "Pavam KB, tired'aa irukache, he has to go get tissue for you!".

Kids these days!
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New art on our wall!

2008-10-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

Our foyer area now has this new painting by an artist that B and I just adore. Yes, of course, it is obvious - it is KB's art. It is special to us for couple of reasons. He is so particular about certain things, especially when it comes to getting his hands dirty, that if he touched paint while painting with a brush, he would ask me to wipe it off right away. It would really bother him.
So it is really amazing for me that he managed to actually dip his hands into paint and create some art with it.

This piece is special also because he did this in the new drop off program for preschoolers - when I was not with him in the classroom. This is the fourth time he has gone to this class. The first time I stayed in the classroom. But KG was distracting the other kids, so they told me I had to stay outside the classroom. It is a large classroom with bay windows that opens into a huge lawn of green in the park outside which has really nice play structures. This program runs on T,W,Th,F from 9 to 11.00 a.m. The second time I took KB there, I had no choice but to leave him in the classroom and wait outside in the park area where he could not see me. He cried a couple of times but because that day's activity included playing outside in the park, he calmed down after some time. He saw me in the park and went back into the classroom and stayed there the rest of the time without crying. The third class itself, he went in looking like he was about to cry but stopped crying and had a nice time. On last Friday, the teacher told me that he participated fully and had a really nice time answering their questions and dancing along during the "song and dance" time. They have a craft time every class - he made a jelly fish the first class, a rainbow fish with sparkles (using a paper plate) the next class and this painting the last class.

At this drop off program, they do pretty much all the activities that the school he was in does on a regular day. Story time, snack time, play time, song time and in fact they have a dedicated craft time where they have a particular activity planned for the day. The difference is that this is not called a preschool only because it is a drop off program for which you can pay for each day. So it may not be the same set of kids each day. I am now actually considering sticking to this program for the rest of the year rather than going back to his old school. I really liked his old school but I guess there is that fear that he may cry again there and partly a mild resentment towards them for not having tried hard enough (to give KB the chance to get used to the school rather ask me to take a break for a month and then bring him back).

At some level I feel the point of going to a preschool at age three is to get exposed to other kids, socialize a little and be away from the secure feeling of a home environment for sometime. This program provides all of that. The only thing it doesn't provide is a steady set of school friends - kids who come every day to this class. KB anyway meets a few of his friends couple of times a week. And he has KG at home to play with, fight with and learn survival skills with too! (On a side note, he nearly gave us a heart attack when all of a sudden he just pushed KG's rocket rider to the muddy area in our yard and she fell and hit her head on the wooden fence. Thank heavens she didn't hit the edge too hard or she would have been in the hospital now bleeding away! Surely they are both learning some serious playground survival skills here!).

I have not decided fully on staying on in this program but this is what I am inclined to do. He is having a great time here. The teachers are all recent college graduates working for the city who conduct this program. They are young and energetic and all of them are licensed and have some early childhood education. I feel a little nervous when I talk to hyper-super moms who will only send their kids to Montessori where they could potentially learn a lot more academic stuff. I don't know if KB will lag behind in that respect when he turns four but for now this seems more than enough to me. And bottom line to me, he looked really happy at this place the last two classes. The teachers address him by his first name and give him high-fives and seat him on their lap and what not. I wanted a place that will nurture him and make him happy. If it continues this way and he looks happy, I am inclined to forgo my (hard won) admission into the other school and stick with this for age three.

And that is the story of the new art work adorning our foyer wall!

Laughing game, story time...

2008-10-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

KB loves to be silly and loves to laugh. He gets into laugh mode and just cannot stop sometimes. Much like how I used to be as a child. One day when I was giving him his cereal, just when we were close to being done, I suddenly broke into laughter (fake) - buahhh....ahhh....ahhh...and pretended like it was uncontrollable laughter and then I stopped. He was so taken aback by this sudden outburst but he clearly loved it because he just started laughing loudly - but his laughter was real. KG saw us both laughing (when he really laughed, I found it funny was laughing too) and even though she had no clue what this was about - she came to the high chair and started chortling and laughing herself. It was overall so much fun. KB of course got addicted to this laughing game. When I took KG upstairs and changed her diaper and then put her on the bed to just run around, KB said to me, "Mamma, buaahh pannu" (laugh like that). And all over again we went through it and we were all laughing like looney bins! :)
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Story time:

B used to either whistle tunes or just sing children's songs for KB when he pats him to sleep for the night. We dont' read to them during bed time. All reading happens downstairs before he gets into bed. One day I suggested to B that he should tell KB stories for bedtime. KB used to enjoy stories I told him at random times during the day. So for a few days B used to look up children's stories on the internet and then tell KB modified versions of these stories. It usually revolved around some animal stories. Tortoise and the hare type stories. One day, I asked KB what story he wanted B to tell him that night. And KB suggested some random title like "The crab and the whale" or some such title. And that night B just made up a story about the crab and the whale. It so happened that the next day I came up with a title for the story for that night. Since then it has become a routine for us. KB and I take turns in suggesting a story for B to tell him at night. And each time we come up with a title KB says "I don't know Daddy if can handle it (he puts the "If" after daddy)". And I have to say, "I don't know !". And then KB says, "Daddy can handle it"! KB enjoys these random little stories we make up (mostly B, some days it is me) during his bed time. Every morning, he tells me the story. He cuts out all the frills and just gets to the meat of the story. Some days, he gets into it and tells me the story with his own frills attached.

One night it was my turn (KB never forgets whose turn it is to suggest the story) to come up with a story title. I suggested "Bubbles and the dog" randomly. I thought B would be getting KB into bed but it turned out he had some work so I had to do it. This is the gist of the story.

"There was a little boy named John. He was going to turn three years old. His dad asked him "What do you want for your birthday, little John?". John told him that he wanted bubbles to blow and a water table in the yard. His dad said, "Sure, we will get you bubbles and a water table for your birthday".

John liked to go to Grove park. It had a ladder that he could climb without any help from his dad. (based on the park that KB likes to go to where he climbs a curved ladder).

One day at the park, when he came down the slide he saw two little puppy dogs. John and his little sister loved playing with those puppies. John was sad to leave the puppies behind when he had to leave the park. The lady said that she could not take care of both puppies and would be happy if John wanted one. But his dad told John they had to leave the park.

On the day before his birthday, John's dad asked him why he looked sad. John said to him, "Dad, I don't want bubble or water table, I want that puppy. Please Please Please dad".

"But John, you said you wanted them. You love bubbles and you loved playing with the water table at Adam's house. Are you sure you don't want them?"

John exclaimed, "Daddy, i only want that puppy, I don't want anything else".

On the day of his birthday, after John cut the cake and the kids sang him a birthday song, John's dad said to him ,"John, come to the yard, I have a surprise for you".

John went to the yard and saw the little puppy sitting by the big plant. "Arf, Arf" the puppy said and ran to John. John petted the puppy and said, "Wooooooww, Daddy! I love this puppy".
(At this point KB's eyes open wide with excitement as well).

"Thank you Daddy", John says.

Daddy asks John, "What would you like to name the puppy?".

John jumps up and down in joy and then turns to his daddy and says, " I want to call the dog "Bubbles", daddy.

John and his little sister and "Bubbles" played in the yard for a long time that day.

That's it , the end!
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KB loves hearing this story over and over and he just loves the feeling of surprise and celebration. He liked this story so much that he asks me to say it to him even during the day sometimes. In all both myself and KB enjoy this new routine (about two months now) of coming up with random titles and having B tell him those stories and then hearing about it the next morning.

Last night it was "The Lamp and the car". (B made up this story where the little boy goes and meddles in his mom's closet and happens to find an old lamp. He rubs it by mistake and a robot comes out of it. And the robot tells him he can give him three things. And the little boy says he wants a car. And the robot says, "Yes, Master" and so on. KB imitates B and changes his voice to sound robotic and says "Yes, master!". I just look forward to KB's rendition of these stories each morning. Tomorrow morning, I will get to hear the story of "The dog and the ball".
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What the eyes don't tell you...

2008-10-09T00:06:00.000-07:00

I often wonder when I hear about suicide cases if really no one close to that person could have sensed a break point about to happen. The point where a person cannot cope. A point when he can justify taking his own life and under even more horrifying circumstances also that of others. I hear of murder/suicide cases or read about it in newspapers every now and then and just think about this in passing and move on with every day routine. But when I read this, it just felt so close to home.

Just the name - an Indian name. A south Indian who speaks the same language. Somehow I always thought only complete whackos who grow up in strained families end up doing really horrible acts of violence. To think that someone who grew up in a regular Indian family and had a loving wife and otherwise normal life could do this?! It turned out that this guy was my sister's close friend's cousin. The said friend used to talk to him very often. And she had no idea something so violent was brewing in him. All for the sake of money? Or the perception that one needs a lot of money to even make it worth living?

I happened to read this post earlier today. At that time I didn't think too much about the exercise. But it seems like a good one for kids to go through. And adults too. To clear up the junk in our own heads as to what is really important in life and what is not. What is a need and what is a want. And what needs and wants merit worrying about either having it or not having it.

There is loss of life every second in this world. So in that sense, amongst many many horrible acts of violence you hear about, this is yet another one. But somehow talking about it with my sister who actually knows these people and has talked to the wife of this person many times brings this so close to home. And it makes me wonder how one can look at a person and just never really know what is going on in their head. On the surface this guy's life was going quite well. He was not even bankrupt at that time he decided to end his life. He had had a pretty good life, a wonderful wife and three perfectly healthy happy children. And yet he could not see clearly how privileged he was and could only focus on that point in his life and decided it was not worth continuing on. It is so sad and tragic that I almost wish we could go back in time and save him and his family.

Long ago, I had posted a story of a young newly married woman who committed suicide because she could not cope with the loss of her husband in the Sep 11 crash. Sad and tragic as it is, somehow I am personally even able to understand that. But I just don't get how Karthik Rajaram could do this to himself and to his family all because he lost some money. He was a brilliant person and could have gotten a job with time. And then I realize it has to be a cumulative effect - years of prioritizing winning over playing the game and doing the best. Years of chasing the next goal without pausing to smell the roses. It is not just him, it is the society we live in and the people we associate with too. It is hard to tell another successful Indian neighbor, that you, the success story you are perceived as, has lost a job. They will be sorry for you but you feel right at the end of that sentence, there is pity, the kind of pity you loathe. (I have known people who went through this a few years back. Some of them who took it in stride are now back on track and much more successful than those who did hold on to their jobs then). The kind of look that says,well, I am in a good position myself, but I do feel sorry for you. It is when I hear such stories that I feel disgusted by how we spend so much time inviting people to each other's houses for Navratri or Diwali and exchange gifts and such but how much do we really know people? How much do we really care for each other? Are we really there for each other? Beyond pithy statements and pats on the back. Just my random thoughts in my moment of sadness over this story. When I think of the little seven year old, my heart just bleeds. To have died such a violent death. I hope he killed the mother first so at least she did not have to endure the worst kind of suffering I can imagine - to see her children being killed by their own father.

It scares me to think that being brilliant or being an over achiever or having all the perceived notions of a successful life also doesn't mean that the person is a self assured person. And then I tell myself that I need to remind myself of this when I raise my children. When I feel the peer pressure to put them in more and more classes so they keep up with the next door kids. I need to raise the child as a whole and not a facet of the child that will bring him/her degrees and money. And this is not to say any of this is his parent's fault (from what I heard he lost his mother when he was a little child). It is yet another reminder of how grateful we ought to be for the many blessings we have thus far and a prayer that our children, who in their adult life are likely to bear the burden of a lot of the economic crisis we are in now, will have it in them to face life with grace and courage. Well, a prayer for myself too that I am able to face life's ups and downs with courage.

The little girl in a Lengha...

2008-10-06T23:50:00.001-07:00

Living in the US without a real home base in India, I don't often get to buy the latest styles in clothes - for myself or for my kids. A cotton Lengha with beautiful work done on it in just the perfect colors for my daughter - I could have only asked my sister to shop for something like that had one of them resided in India. My mom or my cousins/friends send the south Indian pavadais for KG. But a cotton Lengha for her sensitive skin, that is just right for KG - never thought I would have the pleasure of dressing her up in one of those. This Navratri season, when I went to visit a friend and I put this on her, it was sheer pleasure for me for a couple of reasons. One of course as a mother, I just couldn't help but admire KG in this beautiful outfit. Two, when I see her in those clothes, I think of the generous and sweet friend that sent this and feel that intangible connection in our blog lives. The thoughtfulness with which such a lovely gift was sent to a child she has only known through my blog posts makes it so special. It is strange how human bonds can be formed and a certain kinship established even without trying hard. Just from reading about each others children. In knowing how similar we are in many ways and also knowing how different we are as people in other ways. And yet being connected as just friends. If only the world were as simple.

Apple syndrome...

2008-10-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

I used to joke to B when my MIL was alive about the "Apple syndrome". More like "My son is the apple of my eye, center of my life, center of the universe syndrome". And to be fair to her, she only suffered the mildest version of it from all the other stories I have heard of other MIL's. It showed up mainly during meal preparation. Oh, B likes this, let's make it for him. B likes it in a particular way, so let's make it that way. She was gracious enough to also make things I like if I told her I liked it. But you could see that glint in her eyes when she made things her son liked. No matter who else did or didn't. Fair enough - she loved him to bits - she was welcome to indulge him. Just as long as I was not ignored. I can't remember the details of it, but I did get very upset one evening when both my MIL and FIL were staying with us (pre-baby days) and B's preferances were over indulged. I was not angry at her but was angry with B independent of it and so it really made me more sensitive to it. I didn't want to yell at B in front of them, so I just went out for a walk in the complex just before dinner time. B's mom asked B to go look for me and was worried as to why I went for a walk before dinner time. I recollect some of these incidents randomly now as I think about KB's preschool drama and how I have mixed feelings about the school.

I realize it is most easy to aquire the "Apple syndrome". You just have to give birth! The only difference is in how we let it manifest. You can either choose to make your child's happiness your prority because he/she is the apple of your eyes or you can ruin their happiness by hurting any one who doesn't treat your child the way you expect him/her to be treated. I feel annoyed with the preschool director for not accepting or even mentioning that part of the problem is that they do not have the bandwidth to deal with a child who cries louldy in the initial stages of adjustment. Instead she just says, "he is not ready for school". If it were left up to me, I would have just said, so be it, I will look for another school. But what matters to me is which school KB wants to go to. And each time we tour another school, he has fun but still says he wants to go to school W with Ms.T. And that's all matters. He seems happy to be there, so it is the school I will have to deal with even if I don't agree with what they say. I will mutter to myself my disagreement, but I will not jeopardize his happiness in that school by antagonizing the teacher or the preschool director there. At least unless it really gets to a point where I have to defend him for any other reason. I want to go with the faith that they do have his interest in mind and that it is best for him to deal with the separation issue at home if they are not able to handle it there.

There was another time a local friend of ours did something that I couldn't quite understand why. It was some trivial thing - inviting a bunch of kids to a little party she hosted but telling me about it soon after it was over - and mentioning all the other kids and their moms who had been invited and how it was all planned at the last minute - as if to say that is why she could not invite KB. It is one of those things that people do that hurts and you just cannot understand but you cannot also dig deep into for it will always leave an open strain on the relationship. At least pushed under the rug, it has hopes of getting forgotten. That was another instance when I told myself that I should not show to her that I was upset because if my relationship with her were to get strained then my kids would loose out on the friendship with her kids and vice versa. That was not worth it. I decided to just let it pass at that time even though I knew that she realized how it hurt me that she did that.

As a mother, no matter how young or old the child is, you want your child to be happy even if it means swallowing a bit of your pride or hurt feelings. I wonder how often or lasting this feeling will be. But I sure hope I am able to take these baby steps in my own growth toward a time when I will have to and will let go of KB and let him have his life...and know when to step in and when to stay away and grit and bear even if it hurts me just so he is happy.

I think back to how my MIL might have felt when I went for a walk because I was angry with B. Someone angry at her dear son who in her eyes did nothing wrong at that moment. Yet she asked B to go look for me in the complex and tell me to come and eat dinner...I suppose in caring for me, she was caring for the one she loved so dearly, her son. Once a mother, always a mother!

Preschool update

2008-09-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

KB joined preschool on Sep 10 for the MWF morning session. Last Wednesday was the first day he went in totally cheerful and played and was happy throughout. But unfortunately, I had to go to the room at the back of his classroom for some volunteer work. I told the administrator to shut the doors so he would not hear me. But the meeting took much longer than I thought it would and KG was getting upset to be bound to her stroller. I had to let her out and keep running behind her so she wouldn't trip in that place full of things. But when some woman came asking us how to go to the main office, the door was opened and KG tried to escape out. When I held her back, she let out this loud scream and threw herself on the floor crying loudly. And almost immediately, I could hear KB crying in his class room adjacent to the room we were in. That might have been the turning point towards a positive outcome and I botched it up thanks to that meeting.

Last Friday he looked sleepy when he went in. And we went to the store to get flowers for his teacher for her birthday. So somehow there was some change in schedule that morning when he went in. Also he wanted to get bagels when we were at the store - I think he went into school with the thought that he wanted to have bagel and cream cheese. After a promising day on Wednesday, we thought he would do even better on Friday. B waited for a few minutes so KB could sing a birthday song for his teacher and then KB gave her the flowers and then left for work. But KB started his tears just as B was leaving. Again, I called the office to check with them if I need to pick up KB early and they told me to please come and get him as he was crying.

Monday - Sep 29 - B dropped him as usual. Again KB started crying. B called me from work and told me it was pointless since they will anyway be calling me to tell me to pick up KB early and that I should just leave right away and get him. So I just abruptly left w/out taking a diaper bag or milk for KG. When I got there, I asked the admin staff who happened to be outside to check with the teacher if I need to get KB. She came back and told me that he was doing better and that I could just wait in the back building. I was going into the back building when KB's teacher came out of her class just to see me and tell me that he was doing much better and that he still made some noises (crying) but he was playing with puzzles with the assistant teacher etc. I was not prepared to stay on for two hours and it became difficult for me to contain KG since she was sleepy and also I didn't have her milk bottle with me. So I called the teacher after half an hour and she sent word that KB was still crying on and off but that I could come at 11.30 am and get him. I assumed that meant things were going better and I left.

I came back at 11.30 am to get KB. The director told me to wait and meet her in her office. I knew then that they were going to tell me to pull out KB from school for a month or two. I then went into class and the moment KB saw me he stopped his tears - well, not even tears - just loud noises and just went about playing with stuff in the playground. But the teacher Ms.T said to me, "I just think it's better he sort out the seperation issue at home first and then try again a month later or in January. I don't want this to be a traumatic experience for him.". The director later told me, "His crying is beginning to affect the confidence level of couple of other kids who were initially comfortable. Today two other children were crying a lot. I think it would work well for every one if he just took a break, sorted out the seperation issue at home and then came back. He has a very strong sense of self and I just think his crying is just more of an obstinate sort not so much sad crying. He just knows what he wants and he doesn't want to budge on it. It can work well in some things but work in the wrong way as well as in this case. But for now, it is best he tries to sort this out at home - to be away from mom. It' just that his crying is loud. If not, we would just let him cry it out and get used to it". (On a lighter note, when the director and me were seriously discussing this, KB went behind her chair near the window and spotted a little spider. His fascination. He immediately told her, "Ms.C, there is a spider here". She said to him "That's OK. He just likes to live there". KB says, "Can you give me a tissue, I want to get the spider". She hands him a tissue and he spots yet another one. He gets one and then turns to her and says, " I don't know where the spider ran away").

I am not in agreement with this. I feel it is not even a month since school started, they don't have a five day option, so he only goes three days a week. The problem is not so much that he is not ready for school but that the school does not have the bandwidth to engage him and distract him or even just let him cry it out the entire time for a few days until he gets used to being in school without mom around. KB has not had much opportunity to be away from me at home - when he is home with B and I go out. That probably is the root cause of all this trouble. Now we do this deliberately - every morning I go out for a walk leaving KB at home. And almost every other evening, I go out for an hour or so leaving KB with B at home. Each time, KB cries the entire time. B thinks it is all related and that the school is right in saying he needs to sort this out at home. I feel that the two can happen simultaneously and that KB was on the verge of getting used to school. Either way the choice now is not mine. The director has told me to pull him out of school for a month and come back again in Nov. I want to believe that they are sincere in doing the best for him. But I also think they are not giving him a fair chance now.

My concern with this whole thing is that if we were to go back in Jan, he would have been with us all during the holidays and there is no guarantee he won't cry again. If they cannot let him just cry it out for 5 or 6 classes in a row without my having to pick him up early, then how is he going to get used to it? When he knows mom will come if he cries? I like this school, he likes the school but if they again come back and tell me that he is loud and that I need to pick him up early, how will this sort out? It is hard to find good preschools that just feels right when you go tour them. This was one of the few where I felt the children looked really happy - it was noisy, cheerful, happy and lively. Not that the silent/calm atmosphere in a Montessori setting is bad. I in fact always felt KB would fit really well in a Montessori setting. Even now, I wonder if I made the right decision in going with a developmental preschool rather than a Montessori. He loves the Montessori materials - even last week when I went to tour a Montessori, he was like a fish in water - just pulled out the little chair, took a tray of beads and spooned them into other cups and put it back and then went on to some scooping activity, then on to checking out the live rabbit, then on to checking out the planet models they had on display. He sat in on their story time and listened eagerly. So may be a more structured environment in a Montessori would have engaged him better. I am not sure. But at this point in my local area, none of the Montessori schools have an opening. So it is not really an option until he turns four. I am just going with the hope that when he goes back to his current school either in Nov or in Jan, he will mentally make up his mind to not cry and just adapt easily.

I am not worried even if he doesn't go to school until age four. He enjoys his time with his little sister, he meets other kids every now and then and I can take him to other fun classes offered by the city. But I just feel bad that he likes this school and the teacher and he is not being given the time he needs to get used to being away from me at school. But it is what it is and we move on from here! In my old age, I am sure I will wistfully think of these days when KB needed me so badly! :)

KB speak...

2008-09-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

I am writing some of these because this is the only way I will remember the things that KB said which B and I find really cute (of course as parents even "duh" things that kids say are really just so "smart" and "amazing" and "cute"!).

KB loves watching any kind of "Fix it" work being done either by B or by the handyman. Even when he was two he used to pretend like he was unscrewing his toys and putting the batteries in.

And when a bulb fuses, it is a source of excitement for KB. He will remind us non stop that we ought to take him to "Home D" ( he says that for Home Depot) and buy a new bulb. He learned the word "fuse" when we were talking to each other saying that the bulb had fused.

We have recessed lighting in the living room and suddenly yesterday when we had guests over, we turned the lights on and found that a couple of bulbs had fused. KB has been talking about it non stop and before going to be bed he suddenly told me "Mamma, the bulb is confused. We have to go to home D and get new bulbs".

Yes dear, in our house even the bulbs are confused! :)
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KB read this book called "Mr.Bell's fix it shop", an old used book that my sister had sent for KB. It is a really nice book about an old man named Mr.Bell who can fix just about anything - his board says - except broken hearts. But the little girl who is his helper is heart broken because her puppy chewed her doll. Mr. Bell fixes her doll and so she asks him to change his board to say "I can fix anything, even broken hearts". Digressed to talk about the book.

KB loves some of the words in the book like "Gingham and Satin" and "musty, dusty corner" type rhyming words. He has a smile when I read those lines to him. He picked up the word "customers" from that book where the barber comes and tells Mr.Bell to fix his radio since his customers are missing the music in his shop.

The other day KB was toying around with KG's puzzle sorter and couldn't find some of the puzzles. He came to me and said, "Mamma, the customers are missing the shapes, Mamma!"
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Preschool - ready or not?

2008-09-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

KB started school last Wed. He is registered for MWF classes.

Wed - 45 min peaceful time in class. Then crying began till finish time.

Friday - Cried the entire time - 9 to 11.30 am. But teacher still felt he was much better since he did not cry loudly and he answered all her questions. And he was in a great mood all day after that and talked often about his teacher.

Weekend in between.

Monday - Was reluctant to go even when he was home. Tried to tell me that he only had school "Nalaki" (tomorrow) and that he doesn't have to go. I convinced him I would come and get him soon after story time (the last thing they do) and that he will have fun. The moment we reached school he started crying a lot. After I left him in class, he cried so much that he threw up three times and the teacher had to change his clothes twice.
She was very sweet about it - didn't complain even once. She said it was not surprising since he had had a weekend in between and Mondays are usually harder.

Today (Wednesday) - I decided I would drop him late around 9.30 am.
Until 8.30 am he kept telling me about school - how if he is good I will get him balloons etc - but suddenly when he realized it was really time to leave - he said - nalaki dhan (tomorrow) school. So we tried all tactics and finally I told him he has to go to school. But I asked him if he wanted to lie down for a bit (he was yawning - KG woke up at 6.00 am and so he woke up an hour earlier than normal) - he said yes and went to his nap bed and lay down - around 9.00 a.m., I changed KGs diaper and got ready to drop him at school. He was calm but not cheerful - he knew I was packing his back pack - he sat in the car seat - talked OK etc - when he got down he started the tears - though it didn't come easily at first. He managed to kick start the crying and then it flowed easily and the volume got louder. I took him to the bathroom and then sat him down in class and gave him a hug, told him to be good and left - the assistant teacher Ms.S whisked him off for some painting.

But he did nothing till 11.30 - he was quiet during story time - but that's it. Rest of the time he had been crying.

What made it really disappointing today was that even Ms.T (she has been teaching at this school for 23 years now - a really sweet person) seemed unsure if this would work out soon or not. She said to me, "He is not sad or upset - just mad that mom is not there with him...he is not having any fun and if there was some improvement then I would say OK. But he cried the entire time. And he is loud so I feel bad for the other kids since I have to think about them as well".

She suggested "mommy and me" classes, but that's not going to do any good. If he is not ready she said we can try again in January. I feared it shouldn't come to this - but it is what it is. I have to go with the flow now - at least thank God it is only age 3 class. Not a big deal. So many kids go straight to KG. Wait and see. As soon as I went he posed for a photo (the photographer said she waited till I came since he was crying) of the class kids...and asked the teacher if he could borrow a book (the second time he is borrowing from her) and brought some book from the shelf...he said bye to both the teachers very sweetly and told Ms.T that he will be good on Friday - she asked him if he will bring a smile - he said "yeah". Ms.T said to him "Leave your tears at home, just bring your smiles - because if you cry so much it hurts my ears and the other kids as well"...and she gave him a high five. He played for some time in the play ground on his own (which he can for even two hrs if I am somewhere in that building) while I talked to another parent and when he got into the car he told me how Ms.C (the director) was not there today and said "Phone panni kekalam (Let's call and ask) - Ms.Cindy please come to the W school". It is not any English language problem since he communicates well with the teachers in English. And he likes both the teachers. He loves the school. The only problem is my absence while he is at school.

I was feeling a little emotionally riled up thinking about what the teacher said - that he may not be ready for school yet. It is hard as a parent to just accept that especially when you see two other kids in class who are coming to school (others have been away from mom before this) for the first time and adjusting in a couple of days. It is hard not to project this on myself as some kind of failure on my part to have given him adequate exposure or time away from me.

KB is otherwise so confident when he talks to the teachers, is observant and aware of what is happening around him in school despite his crying - he tells me which book they read, which kid did what etc. I guess this is the beginning of my own growth in the process of parenting outside the warm confines and comforts of my own home. I can have expectations of things going a certain way but I have to accept things as it is and let him just be and come to terms with things at his own pace. I have to call the shots here - do I want to keep pushing it because it is generally accepted that children have a hard time initially or do I believe the teacher (I don't have a choice really - if she feels he is not ready - but I could at least request her to try for a little longer) when she says he is not ready and just wait a few months. I thought this whole process would be an emotional one for me. But I am glad that I feel a strange sense of calm despite the disappointment of such a difficult start - that if I have to wait a few more months I am OK with it. It is just age three and if he needs a slower transition into being away from me (which is clearly the only problem and not going to school itself), we will just work on it in the coming months. We are to blame too - B comes home past 8.00 pm on most days and on weekends we tend to go out as a family. So KB hardly has time away from me - I am an absolute constant in his life. So I can't expect this to be easy on him - although I guess I didn't expect it to come to this - where they may ask me to pull him out for now. Anyway - he has promised me he will be good on Friday - so there is always hope.

When KB was about 3 or 6m old (I don't remember clearly), his pediatrician wrote in his notes (which I saw a year later) "sensitive and opinionated". KB is very strong willed. While he is soft-natured in the sense of being concerned about other people, there are things he just will not budge on - no reward can make him change his mind. I had told him I would get him a new set of balloons if he was good at school today - but that clearly did not work - he knew he hadn't been good so he didn't even ask for it on our ride back from school. His doctor told me to watch for some of the infant personality traits to show up again in his adulthood - that he believes that some of those show up even later in life. I suppose this is a preview of what life at age 3, 13 or 30 will be like for me with KB!

First day at preschool

2008-09-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

It's been five months since I wrote this post about my preschool search. KB turned three in August and it was time for the "big boy" to start school. The big day - KB's first day of preschool - was upon me/us this morning. It was big not just because he was starting preschool but this was probably the first time ever he was going to be away from me ever. The best he has done away from me is when he is home with B and I go out to get something quick and come back home asap. But usually I don't get enough time after B returns home to do that on week days and on weekends, we usually end up going out together. And this was a big day for me to see how I react to being away from KB. I imagined myself breaking down in tears to leave him in school and wipe it off movie style and start my car and drive back home. I imagined KB shrieking and howling holding on to my legs only to be pried apart by the teacher and having to run out of class. That didn't happen really.

What did happen?

I had prepped KB over the last few weeks that we would be going to school W and I would drop him off in the morning and he would do all the fun things at school and when it was time to go home I would come and pick him back up. He would recite all of this like a story back to me. Often. We also read a couple of books about starting school. And even this morning when we left for school he told me he would be a "good boy" and have fun at school W and that he wouldn't cry. Well, our boy is a good story teller I have decided. He would get to the finest details about this whole school story - how he would get into the car when I came to pick him up and how KG will be happy to see him, how she would scream in delight when she saw him etc etc.

B came with us in a separate car and we went to drop off KB in school. He looked happy and cheerful when we went in. I took him to the bathroom and then got back into the classroom. I found a chair available and since we had to leave the classroom in a minute or so (school starts at 9.00 am), I just quickly seated him in a chair, gave him a hug and showed him the rolling pin for the play dough and said goodbye to him and left the classroom. It was really strange for me to drive home alone with KG alone and KB's car seat empty. A sad hindi film song would have been apt for that mood!

I got home and had my cereal, talked to my brother and a good friend - pretty much about this since they wanted to know about his first day. I thought to myself that if he crossed 10.00 am then he would be fine. Nuooooohoooo! Our boy had different plans.

At 10.30 am I got a call from the director of the preschool saying KB was having a hard time and if could may be pick him up earlier. So I just immediately left and went earlier than school ending time to get KB. As I parked the car, I saw KB standing in the play ground looking at the other kids while casually crying away to glory. The teacher Ms.T told me that he played with play dough etc till about 9.35 and then he came and told the teacher, "I am done". So she took him to a bin of cars and asked him to play with it. After which he asked for mom. And the flood gates were thrown open when mom didn't appear out of the play dough or jump out of his toy cars!

I was feeling really bad when I was walking towards his school for early pick up. But thankfully I didn't start crying myself. The teachers seemed quite supportive. Even though he was the only one in his class who cried this much, the teacher said there were other kids in other classes who also cried. As soon as he saw me he calmed down with a few whimpers thrown in for effect to show how much he had been crying. He was of course happy to be brought back home. But what gives me hope is that a) he did not cry for the first 40 min in school b) He loves this school
3) he told me stories about who did what in school and it seemed to me like he enjoyed being there.

Well, let's see what happens on Friday!

If it is possible to write posts while sleeping, you could give it to me. I am totally falling asleep here!
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MammaMia - this one's for you : What do Bengali kids learn in preschool?

A for Orange! :) (Need I elaborate why Onondita?!)

KB speak

2008-09-05T15:02:00.000-07:00

KB along with his sister is growing in different ways. A lot of personality changes that I feel has come about because of his little sister. He was always very playful and silly but now he has become very mischievous as well. He throws random objects up in the air, hides things in the CD player, sprays water all over the window shades with his sister's feeding bottle etc...It is a lot of fun and it is very interesting for me to see how her presence has changed him. I only wish her eating habits (she is also very difficult to feed these days but she is so willing and eager to try new foods unlike him) would also rub off on him.

KB is also getting better at defending himself because he has learned to fight her for his toys when she comes and grabs them from him. He has always been confident and bold in talking to adults but with physically stronger kids in the playground, he used to shy away. But now he just verbally tells them to move and give way for him if they are blocking the slide or tells them "Go, it's my turn now". I am hoping that preschool will help him with this even more. I don't want him to learn aggressive behavior but I am happy to see him feel physically confident around other children, even if he is smaller than them.

Now for some KB speak.

We got back from the library and as I was getting lunch ready for the kids, I asked KB to play some music. I tried to give him the CD instead of letting him choose one. He raised his voice and said "Eddddukaga indha maari pannre?". (WHY are you doing this?). I told him, "KB, kutti boys are not allowed to yell at their mamma's. Only big people yell if little kids do something wrong". It was sort of a light exchange. I went about my work soon after.

KB was trying to change CDs in the player when, as always, KG came running towards him to grab the CD he was holding. He turned to her and said "Kutti baby, Little girls should not disturb boys...Okay?!" .

OK thatha, I think to myself.
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We were reading a book "Best friends" while I was givnig him his lunch. I then casually asked him, "Who is your best friend, KB?" and he replied with the same casual tone "Mamma" and turned the page. I guess I should enjoy this status while it lasts!
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KB doesn't like it if his clothes are wet or his hands/feet are wet when he is at home. It's OK if he is in the water at the beach - but the moment he steps out, he has to be changed,cleaned etc.
The other day we were in the yard and his shorts got a little wet when he was playing at the water table. When he asked that his shorts be changed, I told him "It's OK, it's just a little bit of water...it will dry up, KB".

Today while I was having my lunch, he poured some water from KG's water bottle into a cup and poured it on my pants. I told him not to pour water one me. He did it again on the other leg. I told him "KB, no, please don't put water on my pants, I will get wet now". Very sweetly, he tells me, "It's OK Mamma, it's just a little bit of water. It will dry up Mamma!".
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Today the four of us were in the yard watering plants. I went back in to do some clean up work in the garage. B told me that KB asked him to give some water to the wind. B asked him why, he said, "Give some water to the wind, Daddy, wind is feeling thirsty". And B threw some water up in the air both kids delighted in it!
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Awarded!

2008-08-29T16:27:00.001-07:00

Many many thanks to Dottie and Mammamia for giving me this award. I think of these awards usually as something that just spreads a feeling of cheer and good will - no matter what the different kinds of awards are. So in some sense, I take it lightly - neither get too excited nor too sad if I get/don't get an award that I see going around. I don't particularly feel affected. Although when it comes to passing on awards, I really feel like including a lot of people who I enjoy reading - no matter what the purpose of the award is. It could be a most frequent blogger award - but I would still feel like passing it on to every one I like, no matter how infrequent they are at posting, in the spirit of spreading happiness and joy! :)

In some sense, when I saw this award, I really felt like, "Who me?!". "Brilliant weblog"?! I couldn't believe it because I don't post often enough and assume only a few people read it - so I felt a tiny bit undeserving of such an award. Nevertheless, who can deny feeling good about any praise about something you do?! In particular in this case, it is not even the award that made me feel good but the warmth in the words that came with the award. And especially coming from who I think are awesome writers whose posts I enjoy thoroughly.

Mammamia, I started reading you only recently when I chanced upon your writing while reading your namesake's. I think you write really well and to think you have actually read some of my posts and enjoyed it and think me worthy of an award makes me feel good.

Dottie, I think I have been reading you since your very first post. Dottie, not to gush over with emotions over this - but what you wrote is something that made me feel really happy.

"There is something about noon's posts that is very, very honest. No pretenses here. Always look forward to reading her blog".

Those are the kind of words I would like on my tombstone! Because it is something I strive to be but find difficult at times. Difficult because I feel at a loss when I try to be "normal" and "unpretentious" but still get mistaken, or not appreciated or just taken for a ride. And difficult also because I know people who are fabulously smart yet completely down to earth and some people who are so sincere in what they do even if their work is not glamorous and are so untouched by the flashy world around them. I strive to be like them - I really feel at peace when I am around such people. Now, let me not sound like a victim of this cruel world with that first line! :) This is a happy Oscar speech. But point being made is that, those words struck a deep chord and you may not know it!

I pass this on to - well, I am passing it on in spirit back to you both as well. But aside from that, I pass it on to:

Neera: She writes from the heart. There is such simplicity and warmth in her writing. Her life is an open book - well to the extent a blog can be - she says things without any strings attached. As is. Her recent post about her neighbors is testament to that. Very willing to appreciate people for who they are.

Usha: I love reading her posts. Quite often I read her posts and think - that's such an every day topic but it is so interesting when someone writes about it and that too in such an interesting way. There is a RKN kind of home grown/simple feel to her writing. You relate to it instantly especially if you are an Indian. But even if you aren't, you still relate to it because of the universality of some things that all people go through.

Terri: She has a unique style of writing. Nothing bombastic about her writing. Simple words strung together so elegantly. Her writing is so witty and different. And yet you can see the compassionate person (well, canine let's say) behind the writing.

Krishashok: I tried to not mention people who have already been awarded. But I am making an exception on this one - just so people who know my blog also get to read his blog posts. I don't even expect him to know he has been awarded yet again since I have not even commented on his posts. I don't particularly feel bad when I don't comment for the power bloggers (in my book - they post frequently, are quite dedicated to blogging and have a ton of people reading and commenting on their blog posts). In any case, the purpose of this award is to also promote other blogs. And for this reason, I wanted to put it in this list. I read his blog posts the first time one night and I found myself laughing loudly in the dead silence of the night. He is a brilliant writer and his posts are so incredibly different from any I have read so far.

Deponti: Some one with a zest for life and it shows in her writing. Variety of topics, different emotions, incredible pictures, poems, translations. I really enjoy reading her posts.

Poppins mom: She writes such candid posts - emotions, point of view, what ever it be - she says it as she feels it. And she writes in detail and you feel like you were there for that moment in time witnessing that slice of her life. It often reads like a story and I enjoy reading such posts. And she usually takes the time to respond to a lot of comments on her posts and it makes it all the more enjoyable to read her posts.

Kodi's mom: I love reading her posts about Kodi and Plane papa (recent addition). She writes with a gentle touch of humor and communicates the love she feels for her children in an understated way. I love understated emotions for some reason because I feel in some ways it conveys the strength of the emotion even more than plainly stated words. And the fact that our children are of a similar age group makes it even more enjoyable for me to read her posts.

Oh dear - rules rules rules every where! I am posting the rules at the end of this post - pass on the award and spread the cheer! :)

This award is for blogs whose content and design are brilliant as well as creative.The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere.
Here are the rules to follow:
1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!"

Phew - I managed to finish writing this post before one of the kids wakes up crying for me in the middle of the night. But I am too sleepy to sit and edit this post. Am posting it as it is - forgive me please!

Lightning strikes! Thrice!!!

2008-08-22T16:48:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write a post for the last few weeks. But I have had a lot of summer guests and just been busy. I usually am able to write only at night after the kids have gone to bed but I have also been watching the Olympics and going to bed soon after that.

And man, what an Olympics so far! After a long time, I feel like I am a fan of some athlete. I don't know, somehow I never was so enamored by some sports performance for a long time now. But I sat down to watch the 100m sprint and I was struck by lightning! Sheesh! Is that a human or a super human zipping through earth?! Lightning Bolt - he doesn't even show any nerves before a race! He does a cool dance, gets on track, races like the wind and makes it look so unbelievably easy! Three golds and three records! Now if this turns out to be a case of doping, I think I will go into depression from just cynicism after that. But I really don't think it is a case of doping. He simply is out of this world! What I love about the Olympics, especially the track events is the testing of human ability and endurance. And the drama of it all. The hope, the joy, the heart break, the competition, the crowds, the festivity...years of training for those few moments of competition. Sometimes it seems absurd, pointless in the face of all other human suffering that needs more attention. But while you are there watching it, you can't help but marvel and be moved by the human spirit and its tenacity.

I watched in awe each time Phelps snatched a gold medal. Is it luck? I mean this guy won by one hundredth of a second. Does luck also favor talent and hard work? Well, that's just one medal. But he is clearly a phenomenon. Little did I expect one more legend was coming up in the next set of events in track. Legend indeed! I am just glad to have been able to witness this kind of magic on track as and when it happened. How I wish I could have witnessed it live! One would think you cannot get any better than M.Johnson's record of 19.32 in the 200m race. And there he comes and breaks the record at 19.30, this with a head wind! How far can human endurance go? Can there be yet another person a few years from now who can do it in even lesser time? They thought MJ's record would stay for another 100 years. 12 years later, it's gone. A new impossible record has been set.

I was joking with my friend that I am now going to start feeding KG and KB a lot more yams (since Bolt's father credits his yam diet!). KB who watches the Olympics with me recognizes Bolt and whenever he is shown on TV he says, "Bolt Uncle Mamma! Bolt Uncle dhan fast! He is the winner of the race!" (In the same tone he uses for his "Lightning McQueen" cars book). I was telling my friend, "I am definitely a fan of Bolt now, I am going to make "2163" tee shirts for the kids". And she said, "You should make "I YAM a fan" tees for them". I think I will! Will be a cool tee shirt! But few may understand what it is about - but track and field fans will surely enjoy it!

Anyways - managed to write this while KB and KG are napping - for a stretch after a long long time. KB especially keeps waking up and has been napping for just 25 min or so every afternoon. He seems to be fast asleep now as I write this. He starts school on Sep 10th. Am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it will all go smoothly!

Have fun watching the rest of the Olympics and enjoy "Lightning" footage (the relay) tonight!

Birthday celebration

2008-08-06T15:36:00.000-07:00

Kutti girl turned one on June 17.08. We didn't really have a formal party for her on that day. Her star date fell on July.3.08 - so we had an "Ayushomam" celebration for her at the local mandir. It was a really nice and warm gathering of about 30 people. Kids had a great time because I had taken balloons and couple of air pumps. They were all pretty engaged pumping the balloons with the older kids acting as leaders dispensing off different colored ones to the kids.

I had requested people to not bring any gifts and instead make a donation in honor of KG's birthday to St.Jude. I normally feel bad about making such requests because people actually want to give gifts for little children and see their excitement. I certainly do. But this time around, I felt KG was only a year old and she wouldn't care either way. I left it up to them to donate money or not. Many people were very happy to donate to St.Jude. Some of them anyway chose to give gifts for KG. But overall it was a satisfying feeling to have been able to send a good amount of money to a great organization in honor of KG's birthday.

For Kutti boy's birthday (or should I start calling him big boy now?), we had a small cake cutting event at home. It was not really a party - just cake and snacks in the evening. We had invited three of our friends and their kids who are also KB's friends. KB had a great time because the crowd was not overwhelming and the party didn't last too long nor did it have defined time limits as it would have been at party locations. We met at our place and had samosas and snacks, he cut the cake, the kids and parents sang a Sanskrit song wishing him and then the usual birthday song - KB was quite kicked by being the center of attention and had a smile on his face while they sang for him. The kids played in the yard with party hats and party horns and couple of coupe's I had out for them. The weather was awesome too. After an hour or so at home, we headed out to the park behind our place and had a bunch of bubble contraptions out for the kids. Some kids played on the slide and the others blew giant bubbles and made merry. The hard part was when parents had to somehow get these kids to go back home with them - they wanted to continue on with the bubbles and were not happy about having to go back home for dinner. And that set me on the traditional guilt trip - oh no, I should have made it a dinner party for every one - but in reality it would have been too much to organize a dinner party for so many people and yet keep it a low key, relaxing day for KB. Over all though, I was happy that the kids and KB had a nice time. BTW - the cake was a Winnie the Pooh cake as requested by KB. Every one really liked the cake. Dottie, the baking queen, no I did not bake it! :) I will get there some day! :)

Leaving you with a picture of KG sleeping on her favorite giant elephant and KB, the loving brother giving her company and resting on the elephant!

Happy birthday KB!

2008-08-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

I have written a lot about KB this past week - all leading up to this day - his third birthday. My little baby is now a little boy...only now I am able to think of him as a little boy at least - not a baby. He is still very innocent in a lot of ways - partly because he has been home with me and only interacts with other children in my presence. I guess when he starts school, I can see him as his own person without any influence from me at least for a few hours every week.

Both B and I have felt the passing of time the last three years. I can hardly believe KB is three but I also don't feel like time flew by. So much happened in the three years and KB has been a part of it all. I see so much of my father in him and for this I am thankful. I wish for him as good a life as my father had - even if he had tough times in his childhood - my father was such a confident, self made, generous, jovial, well respected, sociable and kind person. I pray to God to keep KB healthy, happy and safe. I sure hope that all the wonderful qualities in him remain so always and don't get tarnished by the vagaries of experience as he grows up. I wish for him good friends, good teachers and good fortune. If at all I came to know what it is to feel love that cannot be put in words, it is only after I had KB. He makes a yelling monster out of me at times, trying my patience with his compulsive and obsessive nature at times. But when I look at his innocent face when he is sleeping or when he does the simplest of gestures - like gently patting my neck as soon as he over hears me telling B that my throat is aching - with utmost sincerity and faith that that simple act can actually "fix" the problem - his innocence and loving spirit touch me like nothing else does. At those times, I realize what it is to love your child in a way that words can't do justice. I sometimes wish to capture the essence of all that is KB and hold on to it and never let go - all that goodness preserved. But I know he will grow up - I wonder how he will look as a young teenager, a young man...what his tastes will be like...there is time for it all to happen. I wish for him the very best every step of the way and I do hope that divine grace that protects us all in ways that we don't even realize is there with him protecting him.

Happy birthday to my dear sweet KB!

KB's day - Friday - Aug.1.08

2008-08-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

I found a little memo book in our shelf a few months back. In that notebook, on the last page, I had randomly jotted down precisely what KB did that day (when he was about 8m old). It was so much fun to read it. That he used to take two naps. I had written down what time he woke up and how many times he woke up that night. Having precise details like that somehow made me feel like I was going back in time and actually close to living out that snippet of the past. While I am on a roll with the KB series, I thought I would add that in here - KB's day - two days before he turns three.

Slept at 10.30 pm on July.31.08

Woke up at 12.30 am - crying loudly - because (I assume) he had a bad dream. Calmed down after me (angry) tried to pat him back to sleep and then finally after B took over and patted him back to sleep.

Around 4.00 am (I didn't hear it but B told me this morning) - apparently he laughed loudly - guffawed - for nearly a whole minute - looks like he had a funny dream!

7.30 am - woke up. Happy. Always waits for B to walk in and say "Rise and Shine" (after reading Elmo's "Rise and Shine" book, he has become fond of that phrase). Had 4oz milk in his bottle (yes, I don't really care to stop the bottle and move to sippy cup - I plan to do it when he starts school and gets comfortable with school - in my mind it's no big deal - bottle or sippy cup now - I know he will stop it soon enough).

9.00 am - cereal - Kix (main) with some coco puffs and whole milk

I then make their lunch, have my cereal while quickly scanning today's newspaper and come upstairs. Activate my new cell phone (while KB sits at the computer chair watching KG's Ayushomam videos - short one minute videos).
He is waiting for KG to wake up from her morning nap. In the meanwhile, he doodles in the card I have for B's dad - this is the Father's day card - still waiting to be mailed with a longish letter!

11.00 am - we walk in to see KG fully awake but happily lying down and waiting for us.
Nurse, change her, take KB to the bathroom. Get them both ready.

11.45 am - Head off to the store to buy some fruits and order KB's birthday cake (He wanted Winnie the Pooh). As always, soon after I finished buying fruits, he bugged me to get him yet another balloon from the balloon stand at the store. His innocent pleading eyes requesting me for a mere balloon - I just can't say no - it's just a little balloon I feel - so I indulge him and get it for him. Even though he has so many at home.

1.00 pm - Back home. KB had Motts Apple juice on the way back. Also gave him a few grapes while I got his and KG's lunch ready in the bowl. (Rice/Dal/Yellow Squash vegetable for lunch along with Danon La Creme Yogurt for KB).

1.20 pm - KG done with lunch.

1.30 pm - KB starts lunch. Done around 2.15 pm. No protests though. Read his new Eric Carle book I got at Kohls couple of days back. "Panda Bear Panda Bear, what do you see?". He loves it. Makes me read it twice back to back. Then read "Bob the builder" and "Rusty Red Wagon". (Each of them twice back to back - that's his new thing - read each book twice in a row!). Music in the background. After a long time he asked for Leonard Cohen again and played it while eating his lunch.

2.30 pm - Make my sandwich. Eat it while KB calls B like he usually does soon after his lunch and gives him the morning news. Where he went, what he did, blah blah...

2.40 pm - Give KG a bath. Change her. KB turns on the music. I leave her in the crib after getting ger dressed. He waits outside the door for me.

3.00 pm - Give KB his vitamin, sing "Mudakaratha Modakam" and make him nap on the little Elmo couch in the office room where the computers are.

3.15 pm - Go downstairs, make myself tea and come back up.

3.30 pm - Read email/respond/a couple of blog posts/news.

3.55 pm - KB is awake. I pat him back to sleep. Come back to my laptop. Two minutes later, he is awake. This has been going on for the past two weeks. He used to nap two hours but now he barely naps 30 to 45 min. I sure hope he doesn't loose his nap habit for another year. I still take the half an hour of nap for I can then drink my tea in peace.

I tell KB he should not get out of his bed before the big hand in the clock touches 12. He looks at the clock. Two min later - just around 4.00 pm - gets out of bed.

My friend calls and says she will drop by. KB is talking to me non stop. My close friend who has the week off calls me to chat since she doesn't have to be at work. Just then I decide to introduce KB to the "Starfall" site. Help him with navigating the site while talking to my friend.
10 min later, I take him downstairs for his afternoon milk. 8 oz Silk Soy Vanilla.

Come back upstairs since KG is awake and we hear her. Nurse/change KG. In the meanwhile, my friend has come by, rang the bell and I totally did not hear it. She leaves and later calls me after she gets home. KB, KG and I go downstairs. I do some putting away of toys. Since my friend is not coming, I decide to take KB and KG to the lagoon by the lake near our place. I get them ready, sandals on etc and start driving. Playing "Suprabatham" by A.R.Rahman (in the car) that another blogger had sent as an MP3. Go to the Lagoon and realize I forgot to bring the entry card with me. Drive back home and go to the park right behind our house. KB and KG play on the slide etc until 7.00 pm.

7.00 pm - KB has a bowl of grapes (about 15 grapes).

7.15 pm - feed KG her dinner. In the meanwhile, KB asks for water in his steel tumbler. Drinks some and finds a little bit of it splattered on the dining room floor. Immediately points to the spill on the floor and says, "Mamma, I had a great big spill, can you please clean it up?" and brings tissue on his own and starts cleaning up the spill.

7.40 pm - Give KB his dinner (Mac n cheese - easy Fridays meal).

8.15 pm - B is home. We decide to eat the left over pasta from two days back. I have an appointment for threading at 8.45 pm! I quickly eat another sandwich, get ready and left for my eyebrow appointment at 8.45 pm.

B said he was a little eager to know where I was but was calm otherwise. He cried some because he hit himself on the stairs a little. But over all when I got home (it's the first time I went alone in a long loong time). KB looked quite happy. As soon as I walked in the garage door he told me "Mamma eyebrowsS (that's his plural form) look pretty! (B told him casually once to tell me so and kid repeats it at the right time - as soon I get home!).

9.20 pm - am back home. Play balloon game and doodle pro scribbling with KB.

9.35 pm - KB has La Creme yogurt. No milk at night on Mac n Cheese days).

9.45 pm - cut KB's nails.

10.00 pm -B brushes KB's teeth.

10.15 pm - KB gives me a tight hug. The night time routine is for me to hug him tight and be talking to him while B brushes and come to get KB from me. And when B is done and is ready to take KB upstairs for bed time , he has to come to me (holding KB) and say "CanI CanI CanI" asking me to let go off KB. KB then gives me a hug and B takes him while KB laughs at being snatched from me by Daddy. KB says "Good night" to me and then says "Goodnight Lamp, good night stairs" and so son!

And now I am beginning to see lines in double, very sleepy now. So I have to say "good night" too!

KB series V: Even an angel can be high maintenance

2008-07-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

I suppose by now you are wondering if this blog is going to be one big KB series! Well just until this coming Sunday. I decided to write about KB since I don't do monthly updates and thought it would be fun to read all this a few years later when KB is much more grown up.

I was not really planning on writing a post tonight. But reading the following comments made me want to write it:
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DotThoughts said...

I throughly enjoyed reading the series. especially the bit about balloons :) He is such a great kid!! And the way you wrote about him was so full of pride and joy in being his mother. Great posts!

7/31/2008 10:07 AM

The TAAMommy said...

As much as you want to give credit to your son, 90% goes to you girl. You seem like an amazing mom with amazing patience and endless attentiveness towards your children.It is first, wonderful to hear what he is upto, and second wonderful to see you so patiently write out all these details. Thank you !!

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The way I feel right now - completely exhausted mentally. And so full of worries about KB joining school this September. And feeling very guilty about how angry I was with KB this afternoon and how I yelled and fought with B this evening just because he joked about something I said to him seriously. A public acknowledgment that I am not being patient enough and it's not all joy and pride at KB all the time as the previous posts might suggest.

Things that worry me - that he is such a friendly/sociable kid - but he still has to have the "Noon" radiation (meaning mama be around) in the general vicinity or he gets flustered. He will go out with B to a shop or park but if I go out leaving him home - he gets flustered after half an hour or so. I have made the mistake of not doing this often enough. He used to be OK for a couple of hours if I left home when he was asleep. He would not cry when he woke up if he didn't find me in the house. But since KG arrived, somehow between her nursing schedule and KB's nap times etc I don't go out alone on weekends. And week days, there is hardly time to do so since B gets home around 8.15 pm.

I have been taking KB for a "Parent and Toddler" class at the school he will be attending in September. It meets once a week for two hours in the morning. I thought it would help him get familiarized with his new school. There are two rooms (for this class) connected by a hallway. One room has foam steps/slide, a wooden boat like see-saw, a tunnel etc. The other room has two round tables with little chairs, peg puzzles, a tent, a tiny little bed with little toy babies resting on it, a play kitchen etc. First ten minutes before class, they are allowed to play outside. But it gets hot and the summer school kids come to the play ground, so the PT (parent/toddler) kids have to go into the classroom. KB has no interest in painting in this class. He enjoyed it when we came to register etc because in the main campus of the school, they have the easel in the corridor and paints and paper etc set up. He just plays with the paint, enjoys it etc. But here may be because the kids are all sitting close to each other and painting - he doesn't want to do it. And even the puzzles he brings to the tunnel room and does it in no time so he really just doesn't want to do anything in the other craft room. So pretty much all the time both KB and KG want to continuously play in the tunnel room. She too has no interest in playing with toy babies or kitchen play or anything. Even blocks both kids are not interested in if they have to be in the other room. I really don't know if this means KB has no interest in craft/painting or if it's something about the room. In any case, he just hates paint getting on his fingers - even if a tiny dot falls on his fingers, he wants me to wash his hands with water! Even wiping it off is not enough. It has to be back to totally clean. Just the way my father was. Preschools here do so much art and craft work that I really hope he develops an interest in it!

The PT class has a about 10 min of snack time. Today the teacher somehow delayed it and I too had to rush KB through his breakfast that I think he became very hungry all of a sudden. He went to the craft room (where snacks are served) but couldn't spot me - since I was trying to grab KG and come to the snack room. He kept calling out for me and there were a couple of other tall moms next to him - in an instant - he got so flustered, he started crying. Until then he was this happy camper jumping up and down, being totally silly and having fun. Laughs and plays and doesn't realize he is hungry and suddenly loses all energy and just feels low. Just like me. I worry what he will do when this happens at school. He should learn to go tell the teacher he is hungry - but if he just cries for no reason it will be hard on him and the other kids in the classroom. He insisted that his hands be washed with water and soap in the classroom sink and not the outside sink. Because that is what he did the other times and for snack time he thinks he has to only wash his hands in this sink.

KB is a stickler for routine. Just like my father. Things have to be done a certain way. There was a long line for the classroom sink and he was hungry and I was holding KG. I was losing my patience at his fussiness regarding which sink. I tried hard to control my anger and asked him to come to the sink outside. This is what hunger does to him - make him unreasonable. He cried even more when I tried to get him to go outside. I was so upset and embarrassed at all this. Felt sad because his being a stickler for routine is going to come back to make it difficult on him when I am not around. I know, precisely why he is going to school. But just makes me worry. "What should I have done to make him be a little loose and relaxed when it comes to such things?", I think to myself. Things you tolerate as a mother, will not be tolerated by an outsider, especially a teacher who has many kids to attend to. I felt very tired myself from having run to school early in the morning after getting both kids ready and having had just a glass of milk for breakfast. I just felt sad that I had somehow not trained KB to be more relaxed about such things - dirt in his hands, things in place in a certain order, wetness etc.

Another high maintenance (HM) thing about KB is that he will have to wipe off his tears or if his nose is dripping with a tissue immediately. Nose, I understand. But if he is crying, he will keep asking me to wipe off his tears. And then point to his nose and say " Tissue! It's dripping!!!".. Sometimes, I spend so much time wiping off his tears and nose drip back to back that I just want to throw the tissue box out and tell him to go sulk in a corner! It's a good thing he doesn't go around with snort dripping out of his nose but he takes it to the other extreme sometimes. Tests my patience big time. I do it a few times back to back patiently. Wipe of tears, then the nose drip...back again...and then I just loose it. He did this in class this morning while waiting for the sink. I yelled at him - if you want me to keep doing this, we are going home KB!

Clean, orderly, no wetness at any point in time, routines have to be followed exactly, needs mamma around, very restless sleeper, slow eater - don't you think my dear KB, the sweet, gentle, well mannered kid is also high maintenance? I am sure you (hopefully someone will get this far in this post!) think I am making a big deal - but you have to come here and see how difficult and insistent he can be on some of these things.

So Dottie and Taamommy - It's not all pride and I too yell and scream - quite bad considering he is good in so many ways. I feel like I have so little patience. I can tolerate the work but I just cannot stand too much crying at any point in time. I need to learn to control my temper with KB when it comes to these things. It's been a long day today, am falling asleep, before I give away too much about what I screaming monster I can be at times, I better stop here for now!